*****

I have other things to say, like how I hung out with Natalie last night, and some comments on the Oscars, but let's just cut to the chase and unleash with the "woe is me" of the day, shall we? Get ready to hear a bunch of bullshit you've already heard.

When I got home today, as soon as I got in my apartment I started crying.

I'm just in such a weird place right now.. no friends, no boyfriend, 200 miles away from the life I've always known.. no job, no clear future ahead of me. I know I have a future, but I just have no fucking idea what it entails. I used to think it would entail Matt, and road trips together and living together and getting married at my dad's farm, having kids and puppies, and as soon as I graduated I'd live in his city and get a job at the local paper.. that's how I thought it would be.

But instead it's me coming home in the middle of the day to an empty, dirty, lonely apartment. I was supposed to spend this weekend regrouping, getting it back togheter, and instead I'm probably just more depressed.

I mean.. how hard is it to just decide to be happy? I want to be happy.. I can't stand being this depressed. I can't stand knowing that tonight Matt is going to school, and since he and his girlfriend have different classes at the same time, they're going to get together for the first time in more than a month and they're going to try to work out their problems. I will be an afterthought. I will be the ex girlfriend that won't leave him alone.

I'm the ex girlfriend who refuses to just fucking get over it. I know that this wasn't the deal.. the deal was that we both got our shit together, and then maybe we'd get back together at some point. I don't have it together.. he's getting it on track, but I'm still empty.. I don't have hobbies, I don't have friends, I don't have a job.. he has all of those things. I feel like I have nothing. Just... nothing. But he gave me this hope.. this false hope that maybe, since she "dumped" him, we'd get back together because he loved me.. and that's just not going to happen.

Why did I fall for it? Why couldn't I see?

There's so many things in my life that I should have accomplished by now. Who am I? What do I stand for? What do I want out of my life? Where do I see myself going? I should have answered these questions in college.. I should have tackled them head on.. I should have solved it by now. But I can't keep regretting my past.. it's over, and there's nothing I can do to change it. I have to chalk it up to experience and fucking MOVE ON. But it's just so fucking hard.

I mean.. this has to be my lowest point.. I've thought that about a couple of different points in the past couple of years, like when I had my week long struggle with buliemia, the day before Christmas Eve when I found out he had a girlfriend, a few years ago when my grades were bad and my dog was sick and Matt was starting to like this other chick, the one he's dating now.. I've had some really low points. I have to get myself out of this.. I have to do things that make me happy. I have to move on, but it's so hard.

It's so god damn hard..

And it's bullshit because have I even really tried to get it together? No. No, I really haven't. I haven't made an effort to call people here, to hang out with them, to make friends. I've barely made an effort to get a job. I've barely even tried to get over Matt because I thought there was a chance we'd get back together. Last night, right in the middle of sleeping even, I had this thought that just hit me like a train.. they're going to get married.

I mean, why wouldn't they? She's smart, beautiful, comes from a good family, mature, and has a lot of prospects for a future. He's smart, good looking, mature, generous, loving, and is determined to make something from his life when he basically came from nothing. I am not mature. I am a cry baby. I am smart, but I don't use my potential. I am good looking, but I'm still fat, and I have a long way to go. If they can get over their issues, they're going to get married. I am not going to marry him.. I'm not going to get to take his virginity, I'm not going to get to go on the honeymoon to Australia, and that's it.

I know there's other guys out there. I know I can't keep being so hung up on this. I know that my plan was to come to Austin, renew myself, get myself together, and come back with a better sense of self worth. I know all these things. I know a lot of things, really. But it still hurts so bad. It hurts, and I don't know how to handle it when it gets this bad. I would say I want my mommy, but I just spent the whole weekend with her. I have to suck it up, I have to get over it, and I have to do it soon.

Right now, at 1:45 on Monday afternoon, I just have no hope. I feel so hopeless and desperate, and I feel like there's nothing I can do to change this situation. I know that I have to be patient and not get my panties in a wad and know that in a few months, things will be so much better for me. But right now.. the situation is not good. I am not happy. And I don't know how I can stop crying long enough to let myself get up, call some friends, pound the pavement looking for a job, and get over Matt.

Why can't I just let myself be happy?