Not that I blame anyone. I'm a little whiny beyotch these days, and I neglect to sign people's guestbooks and tell them that I care about what they have to say, and if I don't do that for you, then you aren't going to do that for me. I understand that. And I can dig that. I just miss the good old days where people actually cared about what I had to say.

How whiny am I? After the great Banner Party of 2003, I had like 7 people add me to their favorites. By the way, "Liz is" and "Apparently I talk about Matt a lot" were the most popular banners, it would seem, not only coming from you guys, but from the masses as well. So I should just stop bitching about life in general. There's a concept!

Also, I neglected The Spark for way too long and not surprisingly, my ass got kicked out. I feel bad about that. I've been part of the Spark for almost a year now, and I dug it. But, when one sucks, one has to pay the price.

In other news, today is the start of my new Hardcore approach to life in general. I didn't start off very well.. I woke up at 9:15 instead of 8 AM, which I was aiming for. That would have given me more time to job search, but I wouldn't have that much time today anyway because I have to go see the psychologist today. But I did work out and take a shower and have breakfast, all before 11:00, which is like a record.

I'm trying to be hardcore because last week was like a new record of slackitude for me. I have no idea what my problem was, but I just did not ever get off my ass. To tell you how bad I got last week, let me take you through all the movies I saw. I was literally escaping myself into the movie theater. It was a little pathetic. A lot pathetic, actually.

Sunday afternoon - The Secret Life of Dentists. Good movie. Denis Leary is hottt.

Tuesday night - Pirates of the Carribean. Again.

Wednesday afternoon - Marci X. Now, process all those words together. Wednesday.Afternoon.Marci.X. That's a new low of pathetic. I mean, we've all seen the commericals for that movie, and we've all said, "Oh my god, how horrible does that look!" And that's pretty much what you'll be saying after you see it, plus "OHMYGOD! What were they thinking?!" It was bad. I don't understand Lisa Kudrow's choice in this movie. She makes like.. 20 million from Friends, why does she have to be in a movie as craptastic as Marci X? Not to mention that I just totally wasted a perfectly fine Wednesday afternoon that I could have spent job hunting but instead had to crackwhore myself out by watching a movie and then spending the rest of my money on Galaga. *sigh*

Friday night - Thirteen. That was a really hardcore and good times movie, but I should have been hanging out with actual humans instead of going to see a movie by myself, yet again. I really need to stop doing that.

Saturday night - Finding Nemo. Again.

The Saturday night patheticness was made worse by the fact that I actually planned to hang out with Pam that night. I was clutching her phone number in my hand around 6 on Saturday, knowing that I should call her, knowing that it would make me feel better just to hang out with a friend, but I didn't call her. I saw the movie instead. A movie I've already seen.

That was made even worse when Matt called me later that night. He had spent the day at Texas Stadium covering high school football games, and later that evening, he was sitting in the press box when the coach of the Dallas Cowboys, Bill Parcells, came in. Matt and Bill and some other folks chatted for about 30 minutes about football and life in general.

Matt is acheiving his dream. He's not sitting back and letting it happen to him, he's doing it, kicking ass, making it happen. I love that about him, and I want that about me.

I saw a movie on Sunday night too but it was with my brother, and it wasn't really a movie, it was a series of shorts. It was part of the Gay and Lesbian Film Festival and it just sucked. One of the shorts was kinda cute and clever, but the rest just kinda made me uncomfortable. I want to pretend that I'm hardcore and nothing shocks me, but there's something about gay boys doing stuff together that really turns me off. I'm really just not into it. But I guess that's actually normal. Hey! Something normal about me!

Matt and I talked for a long time yesterday morning, and while it was a nice conversation, it bothered me. It made it clear that I really need to use this time to get it together or when I come back, there's going to be problems. Matt doesn't really know the full extent of my total slackertude. I believe that if he did, there is no way he'd want to be with me. That's why I'm trying to be hardcore right now. That's why I'm going to spend the next 2 weeks doing all the things I know I have to do to get it together, and its going to be good times. I say 2 weeks because 2 weeks is a lot less scary than say, 5 months.

A few facts for you: Today is my 8 month anniversary of being in Austin. It seems like a lot longer. But that's probably because I've spent 5 months of that time looking for a job and being depressed about certain things. Also, yesterday was a month since I got fired. I am no closer to finding a job. At all. That's why I have to use the next couple of weeks as crazy job looking time, because I don't want another month to pass by. That would just not be prudent. Also, I have 5 months left here. That is a long time. But not too long. The Fall will probably fly by, and before I know it, I'll be back in Dallas starting the whole job looking process all over again. But at least I'll be closer to my Mattiebear. And just so we know, it's been almost 11 months since the initial break-up. Yeah, that shocks me too. Almost 3 months since we got back together, though.

Also, yesterday was my puppy Charlie's 4th birthday. In dog years, he's legally able to drink now! He's my puppy man.

Yesterday I went to San Antonio. By myself. And while I was cruising down the Riverwalk all by my lonesome, that's really when it became clear to me that I can't do that anymore. I can't do things by myself. That era is over. I have proven to myself that I am capable of being alone, and that's crap now. I need to cultivate friendships instead of cultivating my alone time.

Because the Riverwalk? Definitely not a place to go to by yourself. Like, bookstores.. that's a good place to go alone. Working out, definitely a good thing to do by yourself. Going to movies? Not so good, but not quite pathetic in nature. But being a tourist at a definite touristy destination by yourself, that's just sad. However, I am quite proud that I managed to find the Riverwalk, park, and then find my car again later all by myself. It's the little things. Also, I got to drive past the Alamo. I think it's a little odd that one can just kinda drive right past such a historical icon. Shouldn't they like.. not build a road in front of the damn thing? Just wondering.

I also bought a new compact CD player, and it's just so much fun to have in the car! I listened to the Eminem Show on the way back from San Antonio yesterday. It's so weird what emotions that album stirs up in me.. namely the fact that I played it over and over and over the first couple of months that I was going through the break-up. And when I was driving back around 6:30 and the sun was starting to go down and I was listening to songs like "Hallie's Song" and "Square Dance" and "Superman", I couldn't help but remember driving to my dad's farm on a Friday night because Matt was going to a football game without me. I just remember being so extremely devastated, and that's just such a weird memory to have. It's a jolting memory. It's a reminder that that is in my past now, and it's time to buck up and get out of my little depression funk. It's time to get it on, folks.

Anyway. This is way too long. But I had all that stewing away inside my brain, and now it's out! Yay.

Also, I cheated on the porn thing. Internet porn is your friend. I am ashamed.

*****

What was Liz doing 2 years ago?

"So I thought of a story to write for my class, but when I really thought about it, it seemed a little too tabloidy for my class. I mean, it's a typical "Mom has abortion when I'm a little girl, she dies, I lose out on a sibling and a mom, I turn anti abortion and do rallies and such, my best friend gets pregnant by my boyfriend and has an abortion, they eventually get married and I'm bitter at life in general" kind of story, but I dunno. I think I can do better than that."

What was Liz doing a year ago?

"Speaking of Axl, I've started reading a lot of message boards and I just can't stand it when people talk bad about him! People are saying he looked bloated and fat and he's just another aging rock star! He did not look bloated. And his hair is strange, I'll give you that, but I think he looks great! And shit.. just because he was around in the 80's and had a rockin band, he's now associated with all the big haired makeup wearing has-beens, so people get all annoyed that he's making a comeback. Hey! Grunge didn't kill him! It only made him stronger! It only set him back for a few years! Get ready for a comeback."

*sigh*