Last night I discovered that VH1 is currently replaying the greatness that is Beavis and Butthead. This brought me back to junior high, when me and my best friend Amanda would watch B&B marathons, like 4 or 5 hours of the show, and we'd sit there and write in magazines, making fun of people and adding our own inside jokes.

The things that entertain you when you're 13 and 14 years old. We didn't do drugs, we defaced magazines.

I miss her. I haven't talked to her in 5 years, and she was my best friend all through elementary school and junior high. She wasn't very big with the compliments, and there are 2 that stand out in my mind that just totally made my day... once she said that I was the only person she really trusted to talk to when she was in junior high. That made me happy. Another time she actually said "Well, you're my best friend, why wouldn't I want to do (whatever it was)?" That made me happy for days on end.

It sucks, the people we let go. We actually went to the same high school yet we hardly ever talked. It's just a shame. People come and go and I wish I could have had better insight on who I let go.

Oh well. Life just sucks like that sometimes.

*****

For some reason, I'm choosing to torture myself by watching Dawson's Creek right now. I never watched it before Matt, and I want to never watch it after him, but here it is, on my TV.

I'm feeling a little better today, I guess. I want to get out and go exercise and start the whole job looking process for the day, but I have to wait for Mr. Hail Storm Inspector to come look at my car. That's in an hour. I don't want to wait an hour. I hate being here right now.

Is it bad that I hate sun? I'm thinking it's a bad thing. But it's not like this is a new thing, it's always been this way. The day that I wake up and I'm happy that it's sunny.. that'll be a new day in my life! Woohoo.

*****

Thanks for your supportive guestbook messages. I know most of you are looking out for my best interests, but there's just some people that suck the life right out of me sometimes. It's not good times.

*****

Matt and I had the most frustrating conversation ever last night. Frustrating in that it was the exact same conversation we've had over and over the past couple of months.

Me: I want to get back together.

Him: But you don't have your shit together.

Me: So what? If you believed in me, that wouldn't be a factor.

Him: Get your shit together.

**

Me: I don't want to overcome this breakup, because if I give up, then it's over, and I don't want it to be over.

Him: If you get your shit together, it's not going to be over.

Me: *exasperated* But you still have a girlfriend and you probably still will by the time I get my shit together!

Him: No comment.

That's not verbatim, that's just an example. It goes round and round and it never stops. And I mean.. I'm trying to get my shit together. I'm looking for a job in every nook and cranny in Austin. Most of us aren't as fortunate as him to have all these jobs that involve little effort. He does the following 4 things: He writes for a football website, which he's done for about 3 years. This involves him going to high school football games and then writing about it. Big stretch there! He does data entry for an auction company with catalogs. He's done that for almost 4 years now, and he can do it whenever he wants, from home. I used to help him do it.. he's incredibly fast and can finish one in 30 minutes and gets paid handsomly for it. He does secret shopping, which of course I'd help him with all the time. He likes doing that because it involves road trips, and he gets paid to go out and have dinner and other assorted things. And also, he has his own credit card consolidation company. People pay him crazy money just so he can get online and dispute their credit. So simple, yet he gets amazing results with this. I don't think he makes a whole ton of money from this, but it is another source of income for him.

But to his credit, he searched for those jobs like a crazy person. He made an effort to find them.

And I'm out every single night until at least 10. That's my goal.. I never want to come home until after 10 PM. Last night I went to my depression support group, tonight I'm having dinner with Lisa and then going to this thing at church, which is just a big praise and worship kind of thing. I don't know about tomorrow night.. or Friday or Saturday, for that matter, but I'll figure something out.

We just aren't on the same page. At all. It's so very annoying and disconcerting, but at least I see this.

I've been trying to use my journalistic skills to get him to say something, anything about the status of him and his girlfriend, but he hasn't said a god damned thing about her. I don't think he's very happy with her, but what do I know. He's a pretty freakin secretive person when he wants to be. And really.. ignorance is bliss, I guess. Why would I want to know about her anyway?

I am proud of myself, though. I haven't looked at his web page today. This is part of my new plan, starting today. I hate starting new things, because Day 1 - Day 3 are always the hardest. But if I can make it past Friday without initiating conversation, without checking to see if he's idle, without looking at his web page, then I think it'll go a lot better from there. I'm trying to beat a week. For 5.5 years, we've never gone longer than a week. Let's see if we can do that.

*sigh*

It's just all bullshit. He was giving me so much bullshit last night, and it was really frustrating. But I don't have to deal with it. I HAVE to focus on getting a job and getting over this depression that I seem to have. I was in depression denial for a while, but it's pretty much out there right in front of me: Loss of appetite, uncontrollable crying, feelings of guilt, isolation, all of this stuff. I even tried to put sheets over my windows last night so I wouldn't have to wake up to the sun. That didn't really work, though.

I dunno. I can't keep holding on to the illusion, the fantasy, that he wants me back. Because he just doesn't. He won't say "No! Get over me! I don't want you!" And that's annoying. But I mean, that's what he's basically saying anyway, right?

Whatever.

*****

I signed up with 3 more temp agencies today. As long as I'm stuck at home for a little while I might as well try to be productive, right?

I hate my life. But at least I'm trying to do something about it.. at least I'm working on a lot of different things, like working out and applying to lots of places and trying to make friends at church.

Yesterday I got so excited when I was working out.. Don't Cry came on the speakers! My all time favorite song! Here's how you know I'm really depressed - before that, I haven't even listened to 1 GN'R song in the past like.. 2 months. Isn't that sad? My all time favorite band. *sigh*

*****

What was Liz doing a year ago?

"So BB passed his french equivalancy, and now he can graduate. Him telling me this was very dramatic. Since I wasn't here when he wanted to tell me, he got all pooey and decided to tell me he didn't pass and he was sad and why wasn't I there for him? When I felt suitably crappy, he then told me he passed and now he can graduate. Ahhh, I just love boys. Now he's going to graduate school. Great.. 6 more years of school to look forward to. But then he'll be all smart and our kids will be all smart and I'm a dork and I'm shutting up now."