baby maybe someday
2003-05-23 My angryness.

I was going to post this on Unsent Letter, but I would like to share it with my audience.

I go through stages with you. Sometimes I'm sad. Sometimes I'm apathetic. Sometimes I'm empathetic, and I'm hurting because you hurt. And sometimes, like right now, I'm just plain fucking angry.

Why am I angry, you ask? What did you do, you ask? You dumped me, asshole. You assured me for years that it was okay to trust you, to put faith in you, to love you with every ounce of my being, and then you dumped me. Do you know what I have to do now? I have to date! I have to hold hands with another guy, kiss another guy, share my stories with another guy, be intimate with another guy. I never wanted to do that. I never thought I would have to do that! I thought it was always going to be you.

Sure, we had problems. I understand that. I understand that we're both better off for now, but fuck that. You gave up, and now I have to fucking date again. Not everyone is like you. Not everyone can find the second love of their life a month after breaking up with the first one. Congratufuckinglations on that.

I don't even care that you two have issues anymore. I did care. I cared that she could never give you the things I did, yet I could never give you the things she does. I cared, and now I don't. That's your problem. It's your choice to stay in a relationship that doesn't make you happy, and I don't fucking care anymore. Good for you. Way to go.

You're appealing to me more and more every day as a sick bastard. You enjoy fucking with my head, being faux sexual with me over the internet, and then you enjoy being with the nice chaste girl that goes to Baptist conventions on the weekend. You are the very definition of Madonna/Whore. Except I was BOTH of those, and you know it. Late at night, when you're sleeping, I hope you wake up in a cold sweat knowing that you lost me. You lost someone who had her share of problems, but loved you like you were the last person on earth. Because to me, you were. And now there's other people on earth, and I have to move on.

"I don't mind talking about what we did have or might have..." Oh yeah? Does it make you feel powerful to fuck with me like that? You were with me, inside my heart and soul and mind, for 5 years. You should know me better than that. You should know better than to give me false hope like that. Your message? "I love my girlfriend, but I don't mind having you get me off online every couple of weeks. Someday, when my girlfriend gets tired of my lazy ass bullshit, I might come back to you half heartedly and want to try again because I don't want to have to go through the process of finding someone else. So, thanks for sticking around because you love me. Maybe I'll make it up to you someday." That was good enough for me for a long time, and maybe it still is. But sometime soon, I'm going to get tired of that. I'm going to move on, I'm going to figure it all out. I hope that day comes soon. And when that day does come, I hope it shatters you like it shattered me.

You are a weak human being. You might have your bullshit morals, but they don't mean anything because there's no reason for them. YOU ARE WEAK. You enjoy tearing people down just so you can pretend that you're powerful. You aren't powerful. You're a coward. And you're afraid of what people will say if you don't say it first. You are weak. And you know it.

So, fuck you. I hope you choke on your thoughts of loneliness like I have for the past 7 months. I hope it consumes you sometimes, like it has for me. I hope it gets inside you and you can't shake it off and it makes you go temporarily insane and you think that nothing is ever going to make it better. Fuck you. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of you and your stupid problems and your stupid girlfriend. Fuck you.

back & forth random
recently...

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701 - October 17, 2004
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