I just had to decline a perfectly good administrative job because they had a 3 month training period. Grrr.. grrr is what I say. I need a job, because this is just getting ridiculous now. I just want something to do for the next 3 months, it doesn't fucking matter what it is, just give it to me, damnit! Grrr.

I mean, it made sense when I first came up with the idea to go to Austin. I'd go, get Matt off my mind for good, find a job, lose weight, make friends.. I'd turn it around. And while I have done SOME of those things, the job thing is really the biggest. I need one, quite badly now. And nothing else is going to get better until I get one.

What brought this on is my dad. He was on me hardcore about this job thing this weekend.. he wouldn't shut up about it. I know he thinks I sit around all day and watch TV with my thumb up my ass. I feel helpless, though.. I want a professional job but not until I get back to Dallas. I want to go back to Dallas because I feel like it's where I belong, where I want to be. Why is that so bad? I just want to be in Dallas.

Anyway.. this wasn't a great weekend, I don't think. I should have come next weekend, really, when everyone was finished with school and ready to go out and get crazy. I spent way too much time staring at my phone, wondering why Matt wasn't calling me. I have been drawing black X's on my calender on every day that I talk to Matt, and there's like.. tons of black X's. That needs to stop, and it will. Now. Right this second. I'm not going to initiate conversation with him at all, and if I get the urge to, I'll have to find something else to distract me or I'm going to feel really bad about myself. My plan is to not talk to him until A. he talks to me first, B. His birthday, May 20th. I'll call him on that day. So that's like.. 22 days of not talking to him. That's suitable to me.

I had fun with my mom this weekend.. she really does take good care of me. But my dad's right.. she's too supportive. If I wanted to go be homeless for a month, she'd be like, "Okay sweetie, have fun, I'll send you $50 a week." And that's nice, but it makes me feel weird, like I shouldn't feel bad for not having a job right now. I should feel bad. Even if the Austin economy does suck, that's no excuse. I should have found a job by now.

My dad and I went to the races yesterday. There's nothing like a good gambling trip to bring us close together. Unfortunately, I only won $17.00 and then I lost it all on the next bet. I sucked yesterday. Donna won $90, the lucky bitch.

And it's interesting to watch my dad try to be a parent again with Donna's son. His parenting techniques are interesting, and I know they're totally different from when he raised me and my brother. It's just so weird to see him try to be a dad for the second time. Donna's son is 3 years old, what must a 58 year old guy like my dad get out of it? It's all very strange.

And also, I love my puppy man. He is a weird little dog, but I love him muchly. I had my dad take some pictures of us, so probably by tomorrow I'll put them up here. Rocktastic, I know.

At least I haven't had a breakdown in a whole week. At least I haven't had the "why can't we get back together" speech for a whole week. At least now I'm starting to appreciate the fact that I don't want to get back together, at least in the next month or two, because that would certainly destroy any stamina that I'm building for myself. At least.

I really need to turn this around. 6 months is way too long to feel like this. I have to let it go. One thing I know I need to do starting like.. right now, is work on getting a job for Dallas. My dad said he won't help pay for moving expenses in August if I don't have a job when I get back, so yeah. I need a job. I need something that is challenging, that will distract me during the fall so I can keep my mind off unwanted feelings.

I can't stress this enough.. I have to let go, because I will go insane if I don't. It's time.. it really is time. It's way past time. I had my self-esteem all tangled up in Matt, and that's over. I have to find it somewhere else now.

I think I'm going to get on Matchmaker later and get a date for Friday. I need to start dating.. it'll be good for me.

Peace out.