When I meet new people, I tell them my name is Liz. And I usually put that on any nametags I might have to wear and stuff. So, as a result, everyone in Austin calls me Liz. Which is fine.. but I feel like I'm a fraud! I'm Elizabeth, damnit! Yet I just say my name is Liz because for some reason, over time, that's what everyone ends up calling me anyway. My former roommate's name was Elizabeth, but everyone called her Beth. I don't know.

I just feel weird. Am I Liz or Elizabeth?

Anyway. I did Habitat for Humanity today. It was fun.. I got to shovel a lot of dirt, rake some dirt, climb into a dumpster, and then eat pizza. I met a guy who has a degree in journalism and actually works! Wow, there's a concept. I also scratched my leg on a nail type of thing, so now I probably have rabies and scabies and possibly SARS. It was fun.. I almost wish I had what it takes to work in construction, because it's a very fulfilling job to look back and see that you've actually been doing stuff. It's good times.

My mom is on her way to Austin right now. If that's not good times, I don't know what is.

I feel like taking a nap. When I got back from Habitat, I went swimming. I've already swam in my apartment's pool more than I ever did at my dorm's pool, and I lived there for 2 1/2 years. Yay good stuff.

Going back to the fraud theme, I feel like such a fraud when people compliment me these days. I don't know why.. but when my brother says I look like I've lost more weight, or anything like that, I just don't feel like it's true, or that I don't deserve it. Or when people say "Wow, it looks like you're doing okay in Austin," or something, I'm like.. "uhh.. no." I think the weight thing is due to my not decreasing stomach. I still eat the most horrible things, and by the time I can think about what I'm putting in my mouth, it's already there. Like, I ate 3 pieces of pizza today. Why did I do that? I was already planning on going to Subway. It's like.. "Wow, pizza, can't.deny.pizza."

And the Matt situation.. I'm trying to be very careful with myself. It's been a while since he's given me any hint of getting back together, so I've had a substantial amount of time to let my wounds heal without interference. And I've done well with that time, but I'm still not letting myself think that I've gotten anywhere. Do you know what I mean? I see my older entries and I KNOW that I've grown somewhat, but I'm waiting for something big to happen to erase all the progress I've made.

Like, I haven't had a true breakdown in almost 3 weeks, which is a record. But I know that something can change that in 2 seconds. And I KNOW that I'm still waiting for something big to happen, whether it be good or bad.

I seem to have good instincts about these things.. like when I thought he at least owed me an email before I moved here, and he wrote me that 3 page email that really made me feel a lot better. I expect something big to happen, like.. he comes here or I come there or he announces that they're engaged or just.. something. Things can't keep going on like this, where we talk every couple of days, and then we have a nice conversation about nothing, and then I realize that he couldn't care less about talking to me and then we go another couple of days without talking because I'm restoring my pride.

I just feel like something is going to happen. And now that I'm staying here until next year, I have no idea when, or if it will be good or bad, and I should just not waste my time on this.

That made no sense, so I'm just going to take a nap right now. Good lord, is Kelly Ripa annoying. I just thought I'd throw that in.