baby maybe someday
2003-01-17 A bunch of crap straight from my ass.

You know what I love about working out?

I love getting off the bike or the elliptical trainer after doing it for 30 minutes, and then I feel like I'm walking on air or something. My legs feel like jelly and I feel like I'm about to collapse but somehow I don't.

I also love to sweat. I love the sweat that comes from a good and hard workout. The sweat that comes from 105 degree summers, I can do without. But after my workout, when my hair is all wet and my face is sparkling with dew-like sweat, I feel like I've accomplished something.

When I'm in my diet stage of life, I get a little freakish about these things. Almost every single second of the day is spent obsessing about losing the weight, like, "Wait until Matt sees me after losing 30 pounds! Then I will be irresistable!" I know I'm not supposed to think that way, but let's be honest, that's how I think. I also know I'll feel great about myself, but the thought of other people's reactions excites me as well.

I also know when I'm losing weight. If I cheat, like I did last night, I know that I didn't lose weight the day before. But when my stomach is a little lighter, I know about it. Me and my stomach.. we know each other well. We've fought a war together for 13 years, and its been winning. I hate it for that.

That's why I turned to bulemia for a few days last year. I'm sure some of you remember that fun episode of my life, which I have not done since the day before my french final in summer school. The pressue to lose this weight just sometimes overcomes me. I know I won't take such drastic measures now, but if there was some kind of short cut that I could take, I'd be there. I'm so tired of being fat. I'm not like.. horribly obese or what not, but I'm no spring flower either.

I'm tired of it. I just want to lose it and be done with it.

Anyway. I just thought I'd share that.

*****

You know, I wish there was some sort of explanation for my social retardation. Some sort of pill that would take care of my weird little inconsistencies.

It only took Matt about 6 months to figure out about my social inadequacies, and from that point on, it became a big thing with us. And it's always been a big thing with me. Sometimes I just don't know what to say in a certain situation. I fumble my words, I mess things up, I stumble all around. I feel so.. stupid when I do things like this, and I don't understand why it happens. None of my family is like this, it's just me. The big socially inept dork.

And little things confuse me. Like, locks. Keys and locks have somehow always gotten me confused. I have to sit there and try to lock my door 5 times before I get it right. Today, I had issues with my mailbox. I've lived here for 2 weeks and I still haven't checked my mail because the key to the mailbox won't fucking work, and when I tried to explain this to the apartment person, she just looked at me like I was totally and completely clueless. But seriously, I think something is wrong with that lock, and if I'm wrong, than I don't know. I'm weird.

Is there a diagnosis for social ineptitude? Is there a reason why I have problems with locks and with directions and with knowing where I am? I've been known to go the wrong way on a highway for at least 30 minutes before I realize what I'm doing. North and South? They mean nothing to me. They're just more ways to confuse me.

I should get therapy for this or something.. I get confused really easily. That's why I'm so scared to enter the real world, because I know people that I work for will quickly figure out how socially retarded I am after they have to explain things to me over and over again.

I'm just clueless, and I hate it. I hate it so much. I just wanna be like regular people sometimes instead of this "I'm a big huge dork so take me as I am or fuck you" kind of personality.

Blah.

*****

I hope I can find something to do tomorrow. Saturday's have always been the worst in this break up. There's been like.. 9 or 10 of them and it doesn't ever get better. I feel my loneliest on these days. On Friday I can go see a movie or do something else like that, but on Saturday.. there's just nothing. This time I hope to hang out with my brother, but if he's busy, I just don't know.. I hate Saturdays.

I want a job soon. I hate all this free time. Hugh Grant in About A Boy divided his free time into units, and I feel like I do that too. There's appropriate times for TV watching and other assorted things, and then there's appropriate times for working out and going shopping and having computer time.. I don't like that. I want friends, I want a job, I want family. I don't like all this freedom I have anymore, I want something more for myself.

It's just a question of will I ever really be happy for what I have instead of looking to be happy for what I have in the future. I hate that question.

*****

What a bunch of crap I spurted out of my ass today for this entry, eh? I'm gonna go drink another Slim Fast and try to figure out what the hell I'm going to do for the rest of the day.

*****

What was Liz doing a year ago?

"The first week is almost over and already BB is pissed at me. He's used to having our weekends free, and now I usually have something else to do on weekends, and that's not good. Since we live an hour away, it's hard to just take off and see him at a moment's notice. This semester is really going to test us in a way we've never been tested, and that's a scary, scary thing."

back & forth random
recently...

So be it! My last entry ever. - November 16, 2004
701 - October 17, 2004
Buh bye: An Austinliz thesis - October 03, 2004
war of the roses - October 01, 2004
fucking debate! - September 30, 2004