Yesterday was quite nifty.. I got back to nature. This weekend has been full of horses. Yes, I said horses. I rode one yesterday! I haven't ridden a horse in like.. 10 years! It was very exciting, but my dad got nervous and he was all, "You're doing it ALL WRONG!" And he made me get off after like.. 5 minutes. But I rode a horse!

And. Once Upon a Time in Mexico. I was SO looking forward to this movie. Antonio Banderas. Mickey Rourke. Johnny Depp. Oh yeah. But it was kind of disturbing, people! It is, however, nice to know that Johnny Depp is still achingly hot even after he has no eyeballs in his eye sockets. Although I did wake up in the middle of the night because of the whole eyeball-less thing. I'm not sure if you want to see this movie for yourself. It's.. icky.

I went to church today with my mom. She goes to a Unity church. Yeah, I don't really know what that is either. Except they say "Father-Mother God" and "Jesus the Christ." I thought that was odd. I really like my church a lot better.

And tonight's Conan's 10 year anniversary. I'm skipping out on Sex and the City at my brother's tonight to watch it. I need TIVO.

I spent the 3 hour ride home seething in anger, but right now I'm kinda blissful. I don't know. Maybe I'm happy that I'm home and no longer in a 45 mile vicinity of certain asshats. Maybe I'm happy because I bought like 8 books for $15 at the greatness that is Half Price Books. Seriously, I bought 3 books that are staples of my childhood. That makes me happy.

Speaking of asshats, lets just get asshat talk out of the way. I am so seethingly angry and dissapointed in Matt that I can hardly stand it. And I've kinda decided that I'm not really going to talk about the bad stuff in here anymore because I'm a wuss and don't want people to know how bad it's gotten. I know that's totally retarded, but seriously: I hate my thoughts towards Matt more than anything. I wish I could get the balls to just break up with him. But I'm not in that place right now. I still have faith, for some reason. After all the times he's fucked me over, I still have faith. And I will continue to have it until:

A. He breaks up with me again.

B. Something even bigger happens to piss me off.

C. I get my head out of my ass.

Until these things happen, I will continue to be a complete crackwhore who lacks a backbone, a spine, if you will. So. There it is.

I did not see him this weekend. I called him yesterday because it was all part of my devious plan: I'd call him and let him know that I'm pretty happy and then he'll know how well I'm doing and he'll want to see me. Guess what? It didn't work. I shouldn't have to resort to this. I shouldn't have to resort to the sort of behavior I had when we first broke up. He owes me more than that.

And at least I didn't call him today. I was so going to. I was going to say something like, "I'm leaving! Last chance! Are you sure you don't want some of this?" But then I actually thought it might be nice to preserve what little dignity and self respect I still have, and I didn't call him. Thank God for the little things.

In other news, I hope to obtain some happy drugs this week. Do I have to go to the psychiatrist more than once or will he hopefully provide me with the goods on the first occasion of our meeting? Just give me the damn drugs, damnit.

Anyway. That is all. Conan is on in 45 minutes! Yay.

*****

What was Liz doing a year ago?

"Actual conversation I had with the chick at the cash register at our neighborhood El Fenix:

Her: That man you're with that comes in all the time, is that your husband?

Me: No, that's just my boyfriend.

Her: Well, the managers are all saying that he has lost so much weight.. he used to be really big and he lost so much weight!

Me: Yeah, he has, he looks good now, doesn't he?

Her: Yeah, how does he do it?

And then BB comes over and tells her how he lost his weight.

That was just incredible to me. People at friggin El Fenix noticing his weight loss. I was just so genuinly happy for him! He's lost 125 pounds and he deserves all the praise he can get. That lady made me so goddamn proud of my boyfriend, I can't even tell you. *sigh*"