I feel so extremely lazy today. It's all rainy outside and I didn't even wake up until 10. I went to bed at 12:30, even. Last night I went to see About Schmidt downtown for $1. I'm not sure why I was compelled to do this.. I didn't like the movie much the first time I saw it, and the second time it made me cry, even.

But by 12 am last night, my head was about to explode. Crying for hours on end can really do that to a person. I barely made it home, even though it takes like 5 minutes to get here from downtown. I was soooo tired. I took 2 motrin, read a few pages of Valley of the Dolls (Which I've read about 5 times now) and went to sleep. Such sweet sleep I had last night.

Things just really aren't going well at all with Matt. I need to probably just chill for a while. I need to build up my stamina and my mystery and stuff for a few weeks before I talk to him again. For like.. 2 months, I've written him these long and cheesy emails pretty much once a week. I don't think that's necessary anymore. And you know what.. even if I do get my shit together I don't know if he's going to want to get back together. *sigh* My life is destined to be different forever, and I just don't know how to deal with that.

I just find myself missing the weirdest things. Like.. his mom. I miss his mom.. we had almost bonded until he had to go break up with me. Now if we ever get back together I have to start all over again. She's a tough woman to impress. I dug that.

I'm so lonely, you guys. I know I'm not exactly a bum yet.. I talk to my mom everyday, I hang out with my brother a lot, Matt still cares about me.. I just don't like what I have. I wish I had something more.. and it drives me insane that I don't. I admire my mom in this way.. she has a job she goes to everyday, she goes home to a husband that really truly loves her, her kids love her, her ex-husband loves her, even her ex-husband's girlfriend loves her. My mom rules.

And the job situation.. it's fucked up. Any job I get now I'll only be able to do for 2 1/2 months. I feel bad about that, but you just have to do what you have to do sometimes. If I ever even do get a job. Which I might not! Heh. Matt's roommate is 30 years old, has a 7 year old daughter, has like 5 years of management experience, and he can only find a job at Toys R Us. That's not exactly reassuring.

That's where Grad school comes in. Everyone seems to want me to be a teacher. Matt thinks I'd be a good teacher, my mom does, my stepdad does. And he's a teacher, so he'd know. I've never wanted to be a teacher in my whole life. It's an attractive job - working 9 months a year, having the summer off, having spring break and christmas break.. that would especially be good if I was with Matt, because we could still take our road trips. And I am such a crackwhore for thinking about that.

Now, here's a survey I stole from her. I haven't done a survey for a while. So yeah. Also, I did some of it yesterday and some of it today. Alrighty then.

ANGER

1. Who did you last get angry with? Myself. I am a crack monkey.

2. What is your weapon of choice? Crying. No one can resist a crier.

3. Would you hit a member of the opposite sex? If they deserved it!

4. How about of the same sex? Sure. It happens.

5. Who was the last person who got really angry at you? Probably Matt, for being a crazy insane person. I don't blame him. If not Matt, my family because they think I'm making some bad choices sometimes. And I am. But what can ya do.

6. What is your pet peeve? Homeless people who have dogs.

7. Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily? I don't really have grudges anymore.. I have bitterness sometimes, but there's just really no point.

SLOTH

1. What is one thing you're supposed to do daily that you haven't done in a long time? Clean my apartment.

2. What is the latest you've ever woken up? Late.

3. Name a person you've been meaning to contact, but haven't? Ryan and Alison. I was going to call both of them tonight but I have a weird voice from crying all day.

4. What is the last lame excuse you made? Because I love him.

5. Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through? No.

6. When was the last time you got a good workout? Today.. 33 minutes on the elliptical, 9 minutes on the bike.

7. How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock today? I don't need to when I don't have a reason to wake up early. Or at all.

GLUTTONY

1. What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice? One word: margarita.

2. Meat eaters: are the best eaters!

3. What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting/outing/event? 3 Margaritas on the night of my graduation. We all know what happened with that.

4. Have you ever used a professional diet company? No.

5. Do you have an issue with your weight? Ehehehe. Uh, yeah. Ever since I was like.. 8 years old. It's been a battle, and it always will be.

6. Do you prefer sweets, salty foods, or spicy foods? Sweets.

7. Have you ever looked at a small housepet or child and thought "Food!"? I can't say I have, really.

LUST

1. How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies/family)? Two or three.

2. How many people have seen YOU naked (not counting physicians/family)? Two or three. Or four. It hurts my brain to think about it.

3. Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of your gender of choice during a normal conversation? Sometimes a chick has some really good cleavage. I admire people with really good cleavage because I just don't seem to be capable of it, even with my giant honkers.

4. Have you "done it"? I don't remember.. it's been so long.

5. What is your favorite body part on a person of your gender of choice? Hair. Does that count? Okay.. arms. Mmm.. arms.

6. Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute? Umm no.

7. Have you ever had to get tested for an STD or pregnancy? Pregnancy, yes. When you're 17 you're really stupid. I was, at least.

GREED

1. How many credit cards do you own? Two.

2. What's your guilty pleasure store? Restoration Hardware.

3. If you had $1 million, what would you do with it? Go to grad school, pay the rest of my rent for this place and move back to Dallas, buy some puppies, ladeedada.

4. Would you rather be rich, or famous? Rich, please.

5. Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks? I wouldn't put it past me.

6. Have you ever stolen anything? I went through a klepto stage when I was 13.

7. How many MP3s are on your hard drive? A couple hundred.

PRIDE

1. What one thing have you done that you're most proud of? Moved to Austin, even if the circumstances aren't all that great.

2. What one thing have you done that your parents are most proud of? Graduated from college. Even getting into college was a big deal since I had such shitty grades.

3. What thing would you like to accomplish in your life? Write a successful novel.

4. Do you get annoyed by coming in second place? Yeah.

5. Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors? Movie trivia, yeah.

6. Have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score? How do you think I got through college?

7. What did you do today that you're proud of? Slept until 10.

ENVY

1. What item (or person) of your friends would you most want to have for your own? I want my mom's BMW. It's purty. Also, my brother's dog. Also, Matt's girlfriend's boyfriend. Heh.

2. Who would you want to go on Trading Spaces with? Fuck if I know.

3. If you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be? The answer of "Matt's girlfriend" is just too sad. So I'll say.. your mama.

4. Have you ever been cheated on? Not technically, but Matt and his "let's have an open relationship so I can get blow jobs frequently" was a little annoying.

5. Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own? A smaller stomach, hello. I helped that situation by only eating once yesterday. Not too good, but hey, whatever works.

6. What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself? The social trait.

7. Do you wish you'd come up with this survey? Not quite.

8. Finally, what is your favorite deadly sin? Sloth.

THE SEVEN HEAVENLY VIRTUES

FAITH

1. What religion do you follow? Christianity.

2. What religion were you raised as? Christian.

3. Do you believe that forgiveness is a religious property, or a human property? Both.

4. Do you believe in magic? Sometimes.

5. What was the last promise you broke? I don't know. That's not really something I like to think about.

6. Have you ever said the words to a prayer and not meant it? Not really.

7. Do you believe that anyone could be perfect? No.. it's not possible.

HOPE

1. Did you get everything you wanted over the last holiday season? Yes. Except for Matt. *sigh*

2. Regarding your future, what is the best thing you could hope for? A sense of well-being, which some might call happiness.

3. Do you let yourself get your hopes up for something even if you know that there is a large chance of failure? Hehehe. Uh. Yeah.

5. Have you ever bought a lottery ticket? I'm a total lottery whore.

6. Do you gamble? Hell yes! Gambling rocks.

7. Have you ever had something called off on account of bad weather, but then gone ahead and done it anyway? Yes. Once Brooke and I went to a bible study when there was a tornado warning. That was exciting.

CHARITY

1. What causes do you support? Blind causes, animal causes, homeless people causes, reading causes.

2. What causes have you given money or time to? Animal shelters, homeless people on the street, Dallas Reads, and I volunteer frequently for the Reading for the Blind and Dyslexic thingie.

3. Have you ever worked in a soup kitchen or done another kind of outreach for the homeless? Not at this time.

4. Would you ever consider joining the Peace Corps, Amnesty International, or another travel? Maybe..

5. Do you give money to the homeless on the street? When I wasn't po' I did all the time.

6. Have you ever helped out a friend with basic needs, like rent or food? When Matt was having some big money issues, I paid for his groceries for a while. He has more than paid me back for that.

7. What's the greatest extent you've gone to help a friend in need? Dunno.

FORTITUDE

1. What are you most afraid of? Spiders, and the fact that Matt and I may never get back together.

2. What did you do today that was really brave? Woke up. I like her answer better.. she wrangled a chicken!

3. Who is your favorite superhero, and why? Batman. Cuz he's cool.

4. Would you put your life in danger to rescue someone? Probably.

5. If you were to face the Wizard, would you want more courage, more brains, or more heart? More courage. Courage is so important.

6. Have you ever gotten stage fright? Not really.

7. Do you consider yourself to be a leader or a follower? Follower. Bbaahhh! Bahhhh.

JUSTICE

1. Have you ever been summoned for jury duty? No.

2. If they reinstituted the draft (for both genders), would you go, or would find some way out of it? Canada, here I come.

4. Which should be guaranteed legal? Gambling in Texas. Let's get some Blackjack up in here!

5. Do you believe that Dubya is rightfully President of the USA? I don't know. I voted for Nader, so I can't really say anything.

6. What was your favorite media circus trial? Bah, who cares.

7. Have you ever written a letter to a politician? No.

TEMPERANCE

1. What do you have the hardest time moderating yourself on? Money.

2. Do you collect anything? Magazines. It's a sickness.

3. Are you addicted to anything? Obsessing over Matt. And pizza.

4. Have you ever put anything on layaway or used an installment plan? No.

5. What's your preferred method of paying for things? My dad's money.

6. Tell us one thing you wish you hadn't let yourself do? Let myself screw things up so badly with Matt. I knew I wasn't doing everything I could, but everyone in my life has always loved me no matter what I did. And he didn't anymore. And I have to live with that every single second of the day, and it tears me apart.

7. Do you feel that you obsess over things? That is my life. They didn't call me "Obsession" on Matchmaker for nothing.

PRUDENCE

1. Who is the wisest person you know? Mommy.

2. Have you ever participated in a vigil? No.

3. Do you take advice when it's given? No.

4. What area are you wisest in? Puppies.

5. Do you drive defensively? No.

6. Have you ever had unprotected sex outside of marriage? Hasn't everyone?

7. What did you learn today? I'm sad.

8. And of course, what is your favorite heavenly virtue? Justice.