When I first came here last January, I kept looking at it as, "Well, I'll only be here for 7 months anyway, I'll give it a shot." I knew 7 months wouldn't be long enough to accomplish everything I wanted to do. And it wasn't. 7 months turned into 12 months, and in a week, that 12 months will officially be over.

That's right. One week. And 4 of those days will be spent in Dallas this weekend, doing apartment stuff, taking some stuff to my dad's farm, doing naughty things with Matt. My time in Austin has come to an end, and while I'm actually quite relieved that the time has come, and I feel that I am ready for it to come, I'm still a little sad.

I've been driving around, trying to get pictures of all the stuff that I know I'm going to miss, trying to imprint everything in my mind so I don't forget. Which is a little dorky. It's not like I'm in Russia or something. I'm moving 3 hours away!

Right now I want to talk about the feeling of knowing that you're going to leave a place and not come back very often. The feeling of having to say goodbye to the people who meant the most to you, trying to convey to them how much they meant to you.

Yesterday and Tuesday I was faced with this task. On Tuesday night I decided to go to one last meeting of the Depression Support Group at church. I haven't been in months, but I wanted to let these people know how much they meant to me at a certain point in my life, that being about March of last year to September.

It didn't matter to them that I hadn't been there in months. It was the same people, the people that were always there for me when I was feeling my absolute worst. We did a little bible study and at the end was a question of what you wanted to accomplish in the next 9 months. I talked a little about my previous 9 months, and they all told me that 9 months ago, it wouldn't have been good for me to leave Austin. That they saw such improvement in me, my attitude, and my confidence. That's the word everyone is using.. confidence.

I do feel a certain confidence, truth be told. I mean.. I feel like my attitude has improved so much in the last year. I feel like when I leave next Thursday, I will leave behind the girl I came here as. I know that sounds like bullshit and really, maybe it is. But I feel like I've truly left this person behind. And Thank God for that, right?

They also said that when I first came there, I was crying all the time and I couldn't keep it together. I remember that person. I remember not being able to go one day without crying. I remember, and I can't forget, but at the same time, I am forgetting. I will always remember the total craptasticness that period of my life was, but I am forgetting what it's like to wake up and feel total and complete dread about life in general. It's just.. nice.

Last night I volunteered one last time, and that was sad too. The volunteer leader chick, Rose, was a pretty awesome person and I enjoyed working with her this past year. Before I left, I saw my name on the list of "January anniversaries," which excited me. I volunteered for a year! I didn't do it twice and then stop because it sucked. I'm a little proud of that, really.

And then came the activity I was dreading... one last get together with the girls. We went to church, and then we gathered at Chuy's to eat fun Mexican Food and giggle. I'm going to miss that. I just don't think it's going to be as easy to make friends in Dallas as it was here with the churchy girls. I don't think I'm even going to find a church in Dallas that I'll like as much as the one here.

I don't know what I would have done without that church. More importantly, I don't know what I would have done without these girls. They meant a lot to me. Every other Thursday night we would get together and do our thing. I'm going to miss that. A lot.

They gave me a nice card and a journal as a present, and paid for dinner which made me sad for some reason. And we somehow managed to get almost the entire group together for this outing, which is really hard to do.

It was sad, but it was kinda happy too. I dunno... I didn't cry. I am very surprised that I managed not to cry, and I even have to wonder why I didn't. Is it because I'll probably come back somewhat frequently? Is it because I'm really looking forward to starting over in Dallas? Is it just because I've grown so much that crying is no longer necessary? Hopefully it's a mixture of all three.

I didn't know how to leave them. I hugged them, thanked them for dinner, told them that I would see them soon, and then walked back to my car. What are you supposed to do in that situation? I felt like I did it wrong or something. How do you say goodbye to people that meant so much to you? I felt honored that they'd even want to have a going away dinner for me in the first place. *sigh* It sucked, kinda. But I think I left it in a good place. I'm not upset about it or anything. As Natalie said when I was first going to Austin and leaving our safe bosom of Denton, "It's not the end, it's just the beginning." Which yeah, is a little lame, but true nonetheless!

I tend to think that since I didn't get a good job while I was here, and since I am leaving Austin weighing the exact same that I did when I first got here, that it almost wasn't a succesful year. But I don't think that's true. I gained insight. I gained a notion of what it was like to live on my own. I found out what it was like to have to make something out of nothing. I lived through the worst depression of my life, and you know what? I came out of it. I can honestly say that right now, I am HAPPY. And that is important. I have a sense of confidence I didn't have when I came here. I have friends. I have better hair.

Deep down, I know that I haven't had the true test yet. I know that if Matt inexplicably gives up on us again when I get back to Dallas, it all depends on how I react. I feel like I'll be cool. I FEEL like I'll dust myself off, get up, and start dating again. I KNOW, I DEFINITELY know, that I will not act the same way I did the first time around. I will not be there for him. I will not stay up until 5 in the morning and let him vent about how much his new girlfriend sucks. I will not keep suggesting we meet so that I can fail to seduce him yet again. This will NOT happen, because I've learned too much, I've been through too much with my emotions to let that happen again.

I spent the first half of my journey here wishing, hoping, praying that he would come back to me. I spent the second half trying to deal with the fact that he did. Both experiences were good. I learned from both. I'm just not all that sure which one was better.

We're cool right now. Last night we played Scrabble online. He won one, I won one. Tonight I'm going to spend the night at his house. I have no idea what will happen when I move back and I'll officially live 10 minutes from him. I'm nervous about that. I'm nervous about not having a lot to do when I first move back. When I was so depressed last year, I set up a system for myself so that I had something to do almost every night of the week. Mondays was Barnes and Noble, Tuesday was the Depression Group, Wednesday was church or volunteering, Thursday was Small group or volunteering, Sunday was my brother's house. I won't have that safety net when I go back to Dallas. I can always go to my mom or dad's and maybe Matt's, but I have to figure that out. It's scary.

So yeah, I'm nervous. I'm anxious. I'm a little sad. I'm confident. I'm different. I'm excited.

Most of all I'm relieved that I left behind the Liz of 2003. I am not the victim I made myself out to be when I first came here. I don't introduce myself and then immediately after say something to the effect of "And I was dumped by my boyfriend of 5 years!" I used to do that. I became a victim, and that's what I made myself be for quite a while.

I have rambled enough. And what's funny is that I'm probably going to write yet another contemplative entry before it's all over. I can't help it, people! That's what I do!

And I can't help but think that this whole entry was one massive ego inflater, and that when it really comes down to it, I'm the same person I was when I first came here. Maybe that's true. I'll find out sooner or later, won't I?

Anyway. A week. That is what is left. I did it. I stayed. I didn't leave when the pressure was on. I didn't wuss out. I did it.

In other news:

a. This is the longest entry of all time.

b. I'm hungry, and my stomach just made unpleasant noises at me to prove it.

c. My dad is getting yet another puppy this weekend, and I'm going to be there when he gets it! The breeder is going to come by the farm and we get to pick which one we want! You guys don't understand how much this excites me! That's a good way to spend a Saturday, in my opinion. Golden retreiver puppies all over the place! TEE HEE!

d. I like this not updating every day thing. I think it works well. Don't you?

I'll shut up now. See? I'm shutting up. Okay.