I can't let this day go by without properly documenting it:

Happy 42nd Birthday to the one and only W. Axl Rose. He is old. And someday he will come back to us, on his own time.

Yeeyuh.

So, two weeks in Dallas. I have the following observations to make:

1. Living with a dog is weird. Everyone knows what a weird freaky dog lover I am, but actually living with one and taking care of it and making sure it doesn't chew out the sole of my burgandy Doc Marten (oops, too late for that) is challenging. Plus, she gets dog hair EVERYWHERE. It's driving me crazy, all this dog hair. My clothes are covered in it! I must have spent an hour today de-hairing all my valuables.

She's a sweet dog and everything, but she's a trouble maker. I have to constantly watch her to make sure she's not doing something she's not supposed to. I mean, my roomate takes good care of her and such, but she has a job. I don't. So yeah. Responsibility sucks!

2. Lately, I seem to have the preoccupation with being pregnant. I have no idea why, and I have no reason to be pregnant, because that still involves sex, and I'm still not having sex. But I still seem to think that since I'm not having my period, pregnancy is imminent. Even though my period has never, ever been regular. So I'm crack.

3. Friends tonight was hi-larious. My roomate is equally as obsessed with the show as I am, so we actually watched the 6:00 rerun, the 6:30 rerun, and then the 7:00 show. It was quite highly stimulating and satisfying.

4. I like the roomate. She's pretty groovy. We haven't had any disagreements about anything, not yet anyway. I get to borrow her DVDs, which she has quite a few of. I'm a little jealous of her life in general, though. She has a serious boyfriend and lots of friends and a close family and a good job, and she's only 21. She loves Everyone Loves Raymond because she "lived with the In-laws" for a while and can understand that. She has it together. And I don't.

5. Speaking of that.. I am glad I have a roomate and a dog, because I have to go out of my way to hide my bad habits now. Like, I can't take naps in the middle of the day when I get frustrated with life in general anymore. I used to take a nap from 3 to 6, wake up and watch the West Wing, and then go on to my evening activity. Can't do that here. First of all, we don't even GET Bravo! *gasp* Second, she usually comes home at 5 and the dog is always out and about anyway and that makes it hard to take a nap which makes it harder to be lazy.

Sometimes I'll not even come home when I want to because she's either there or not there. Sometimes I just want to avoid having to take the dog out. Sometimes I just want more alone time. It's weird. I like having a roomate, it's just different than living by myself. It takes a little getting used to.

6. The bad habits are still getting out of control, though. Like, my eating. It's really bad. I can't seem to go a day without eating something really horrible for me. I thought I was escaping from Food Hell when I left Austin because Taco Cabana wasn't around the corner anymore. But guess what? Taco Bueno is. Uh oh. And the donut place where I've been going for my donut fix for ohhh.. 15 years, that's like.. 5 minutes from here. And I'm working out! Oh, am I working out. I'm slowly getting back into the whole hour and a half workout routine I depended on in Austin. First, you gotta do the weights.. some days its the legs, some days its the arms. There's about 30-45 minutes of that. Then the cardio. I do about 28 minutes on the elliptical and then 10 minutes on the bike because I like what the bike does for my legs. Then there's about 10 minutes of sit-ups. And then I ruin it all by eating the Mexi Dip and Chips and Muchaco without beans. I don't know why I do it. But I do. Every.Single.Day.

7. The depression is still here, obviously. I still hate waking up in the morning. I hate looking for jobs. I hate sunny days. I hate thinking about sunny days. I just about want to kill myself on Monday mornings. I don't have a job. I don't have a lot of friends. I ruin my body daily with my love for cheese, guacamole, and fried things.

The only difference between this depression now and the depression I had in Austin is that now:

a. I don't cry desperate and pathetic tears every single day anymore;

b. I'm in close proximity to family, which is good when I'm bored and have nothing to do.

c. I'm in Dallas, the place I wanted to be when I was in Austin.

It's not about Matt. At all. I do wish that he was a little more interested. I wish that he would make plans, but the three times we've hung out since I've gotten back have all come out of being online at the same time and him saying "Wanna come over?" I know there's not going to be anything for Valentine's Day. There's nothing to be done right now. Maybe when I get it together and get my head right with ball, maybe then I can start looking for someone else that will give me more of what I'm looking for, but right now, this is me, and this is my life. And it's not so bad. We still talk everyday. We still have good nookie. We still watch the Practice on TiVO. But that's all.

I'm kinda treading lightly with this relationship. Almost walking on eggshells. I don't want to cause trouble. I don't want to stir anything up. I'm trying really hard to stay cool and let the game come to me. I'm doing a good job, but I want more. I want more from HIM, not from anyone else. I love him so much, and I want to have a life with him. I don't know if I will. But I don't know if I won't, either.

So, I don't know. Maybe I should start taking the Lexapro again. I only stopped taking it last time because I was pissed off and didn't want to be depressed anymore. That worked for a while.. maybe a month or so.

But now it's February, one of the most depressing months of the entire year. That is not helping the depression, obviously. And...

8. The job thing. The interview I had on Tuesday was scary. The confidence that I felt I had built up after a year in Austin.. where did it go? It wasn't with me at this interview, that's for sure.

I didn't feel mature enough for this job, but I did feel like with the proper guidance, I could totally pull it off. But I didn't feel comfortable there and I know they noticed. I was wearing this suit and while I looked great, I didn't feel great because that suit isn't me. I'm a jeans and a t-shirt kinda girl, and they knew that about me, I know they did. When employers smell blood, they aren't interested. If they know how badly you want it, they aren't interested. People don't like desperate people.

I feel so helpless without a job. I'm so tired of this not having a job bullshit. I'm 24 years old. That is just pathetic. It's just totally and completely pathetic at this point.

It's a question of being mature enough, I guess. I happen to think that given a chance at such a job that I interviewed for, I can mature fast while at such a job. But to get the job, I have to be mature in the first place. And I'm not. I'm the opposite. Immature, in fact. So, I can't get the job. And it's a cycle, one that I am beginning to loathe.

9. But anyway. I love long rambly entries, don't you?

Some other news and notes:

My brother wanted to be more like his little sister, so he started his own blog. And surprisingly, it's really cute and informative and funny.

I really got into the Apprentice tonight. I don't know what it is with me and the reality shows lately, but what can you do sometimes.

A new book by Jennifer Crusie is coming out on Tuesday. I seriously can't wait. She hasn't come out with anything new in 2 years. I bet it will take place in Ohio, there will be a cute little dog, the woman protaganist will be older but strikingly gorgues, there will be lots of cringing, and yeah. I look forward to it.

I updated my about me page today, so check it out. It's not boring!

This just might be the longest entry ever. It almost took me an hour to write. I just had a lot to say, I guess.

Rock on. Tomorrow I'm going to see Charlie, and I can't wait. There's been many other dogs in my life lately, but he'll always be the original gangster. Awww yeah.