Okay, so it was fun at first. Matt wasn't there to give me that look of pity and shame when I lost my last dollar to the evils of gambling. But obviously I need his look of pity and shame because OBVIOUSLY I have no sense of when I should STOP GAMBLING!

For example, I was at this one slot machine for maybe 2 hours. I was up $100 to $120 at one point, but I lost it all. It took me a while, but I lost it. And this is AFTER I went to the ATM machine to get MORE MONEY TO GAMBLE WITH.

I just wanted to record this for posterity: I suck at gambling, and I really shouldn't do it anymore. However, gambling is just one example of my crazy obsessive personality. I have to work on all of it instead of just one aspect of it. For example,Ticketstock. I know going to Ticketstock is only going to renew this weird obsession I have for Gordo, so why go? I always go by myself. I could just stay home and listen to it on the radio. Instead I go to a place I know I will walk out of with a renewal of my obsession.

I have some serious issues that I really need to sit down and look at. This gambling thing is really showing me that. I won money last week on a lottery ticket, and I should have just left it at that. But I had to come to Shreveport, a 3 hour drive, just so I could waste money that I'll never, ever see again. I suck. Right? I just do.

I knew, not even in that back, but probably at the very front of my tiny little mind, that gambling by myself when I have no internal stoppage device would be a bad idea. Gambling just brings out the worst in me. Matt knows this.. that's why he probably didn't want to come with me tonight. I just.. suck. I don't know when to stop. I get kinda crazy. Like, tonight on the slot machine. I knew I should stop and cash out and run away with the money, but I kept going and going and going until it was all gone. And by the time I was finished, it was almost 2 in the morning. And seriously? I was REALLY disoriented. I could barely figure out where my car was. I actually tried to unlock a DIFFERENT car! In my defense, it looked exactly like my car. But cleaner.

The point is.. that's just scary. I need to get my shit together in a bad way. And I'm writing this entry to hold myself accountable. To maybe remind myself for the future as to why gambling is BAD.

Okay then.

Anyway, this is from the Gambling Anonymous website. I bolded the things that apply to me. They say that a compulsive gambler will say yes to at least 7 of these. I think that would make me a... compulsive gambler!

Did you ever lose time from work or school due to gambling?

Has gambling ever made your home life unhappy?

Did gambling affect your reputation?

Have you ever felt remorse after gambling?

Did you ever gamble to get money with which to pay debts or otherwise solve financial difficulties?

Did gambling cause a decrease in your ambition or efficiency?

After losing did you feel you must return as soon as possible and win back your losses?

After a win did you have a strong urge to return and win more?

Did you often gamble until your last dollar was gone?

Did you ever borrow to finance your gambling?

Have you ever sold anything to finance gambling?

Were you reluctant to use "gambling money" for normal expenditures?

Did gambling make you careless of the welfare of yourself or your family?

Did you ever gamble longer than you had planned?

Have you ever gambled to escape worry or trouble?

Have you ever committed, or considered committing, an illegal act to finance gambling?

Did gambling cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?

Do arguments, disappointments or frustrations create within you an urge to gamble?

Did you ever have an urge to celebrate any good fortune by a few hours of gambling?

Have you ever considered self destruction or suicide as a result of your gambling?