So I wake up and I pretty much start crying. I force myself to get up and eventually I go to my brother's to fax some stuff. While I'm there, I fax my resume to like 10 places, and I call a million temp agencies and either schedule appointments or just remind them that I'm still looking for a job. When nothing happens at all, I get depressed again. I start crying again. My brother's dog looks at me in helpless sadness, like there's something he wants to do for me but he can't because he's a dog. So he licks my hand instead.

I of course have to IM Matt at this time, because I haven't made things bad enough yet. But I was in a bad way.. seriously, this was one of the worst breakdowns I've had since I've been here. I talked to him for a little while and really.. he just succeeded in making me feel worse. He doesn't say what I want to hear anymore, and I have to deal with that. I have to continue to make progress and not expect him to want to be with someone who has issues with total mental breakdowns. You know, just thinking about it.. I can recall almost 5 such breakdowns since I've been here. The grandaddy of them all was, of course, the day I found out he had a girlfriend on December 23rd. That was bad.

I have friends now, that is true. I have things to do at night. I've lost some weight. I can really tell that my ass is getting smaller because my shirt used to get caught on top of my ass and now it doesn't! I've made a big dent in the job market.. I've filled out a ton of applications and the temp agencies all know I'm still here. Hey, that's good. I know Austin a lot better and I hardly ever get lost anymore. That's good. But it's been 6 months and I'm no closer to getting used to a future without Matt in it.

*sigh*

The one good thing that happened today was that I applied for a technical writer job I found on monster.com and the chick called me back like 5 minutes after I sent my resume. I might get called to interview about that position, which would be awesome. But then again, I might not. We'll just have to see!

Also, Matt suggested that I look into grad school. I think that's a really good idea. I could start over with school.. major in something that I could actually have a future in.. so I'm probably going to start trying to find out information on that. There's a lot of reasons that wouldn't work out.. my grades in college sucked, I don't have money for it, blah blah blah.. but it might just be what I need.

And one more thing.. I got an email about secret shopping, and when I got back home and had a few hours to chill, I asked Matt if he got it, and we had about a 2 minute conversation that was like.. 100% better than the last one. And because I'm a total dumbass that never learns, I might assist him in secret shopping on Saturday night. Only if he wants me to, of course, because most boys don't really care to spend time with a psychotic ex girlfriend.

I'm going home on Friday. I am excited.

That's all for now. Later I'm going to go see About Scmidt, because it's only a dollar and because I like to do stuff. Rock on.

*****

What was Liz doing a year ago?

"Everybody wants what we can't have, right? Nobody is ever completely happy with what they have, including people who have everything. The poor people will always want to be richer, the rich people will always want to be happier, the pretty people will always want true love, the ugly people will always want to be pretty. You know what I'm saying? Even if we do have what we want, it's not enough.

It makes me feel better and it makes me want to kick my own ass to I can get over things. I'm always questioning myself, and instead of doing that, I should question other things, and I should move on with my life, out of the "Why didn't I do that/why can't I have this" stage of my life."