I was looking forward to lying out in the sun today, cuz everyone keeps commenting on how pale I am. But it's cold and now it's rainy-like, so nevermind, damnit! Friggin mother nature.

So yesterday I did the job thing. I filled out applications and all that fun happy crap. Then I went to see Head of State because I like stupid movies. Later, I went to my brother's. We watched Six Feet Under and then had dinner, where I had 2 strawberry margaritas and ended up embarrasing everyone when I sent my food back because I didn't like it. Well! Mole = yuck! So that was good times.

Today I'm going to work out, and then I'm going to the drag. I've only been once since I got here, and it used to be my favorite place in Austin. So I'm going to do that. It should be good times.

*****

Now, I have some things to obsess over here. I know this gets old, but it's really been heavy on my mind lately.

Matt. Matt.. Matt.. Matt. He wrote me that lovely email a few days ago, and then when I talked to him later, I told him it made me smile and made me happy. So he's written me emails everyday to wake up to since then, and it just makes me so happy. I love waking up to emails from him, I always have. And to have him write them even though we aren't together.. it makes me smile like a crazy woman.

I wonder what's going on in his head. I wonder how he thinks of me, and how he thinks of his girlfriend. I wonder if he ever thinks about marrying me, because lately, I've been thinking about it all the god damn time. I know that I shouldn't think this way.. and everytime I do, I feel guilty about it. But I do.. I think about it all the time. I think about how I would be so devoted to him, so happy with him.. we would continue to amaze each other every day of the relationship because that's just how it is with us.

What does he think of when he thinks of me? Does he think of me as the annoying ex girlfriend, or does he think of me as the loving ex-girlfriend who's always going to be here for him? He's so patient with me.. any other normal human being would have gotten tired of me a long time ago, with all my crackwhoreness. But he's still there for me, whenever I need him.. it's nice to have someone like that. But I just want more.

Does he think of me like that, or does he think of his girlfriend like that? Why can't he see that he would be so much happier with me? I know she's smart and pretty and mature and all that crap, but I can be that too. I'm working on it. And the fact that he doesn't recognize that really drives me crazy. I want him.. I don't want anyone else. He's what I want in a boyfriend/husband/best friend. We can work through our problems. And if I gather my information correctly, I don't think he even got to see her last night, which I know annoys him. I would hang out with him on Friday nights. I would hang out with him every fucking night if he wanted me to. I know that's pathetic. But what can you do sometimes.

*sigh*

I have to get over this.. I have to get out of this stage of my life. It's only been a week since they got back together or whatever, and I need to step back and give it time. The very first time Matt and I had lunch together, 5 1/2 years ago, he said that one of the truisms of life is that people either get married or break up. And I just really think that someday he's going to wake up and realize that I'm better for him than she is. I know him inside and out, I would be there for him no matter what, and I just plain love him and adore him.

I know my priorities are all out of whack, but that's how it is. I love the man, I love him with all my heart. I mean.. I just don't know what else to say. Or do. He's my Mattiebear.

I'll shut up now.

Make sure you see my super fantastic movie survey that I did a year ago. It's beautiful and delicious.

*****

What was Liz doing a year ago?

"And, and, and! I downloaded some songs from his band, 30 Odd Foot of Grunts. The songs are pretty nifty. I wanna buy the CD but I lack the funds available for that at the moment. And my friend told me that Russell Crowe has a house in Austin or some such. That's like three hours from here. My brother lives in Austin! I wanna go to Austin! Bluhhh..."