I had a brain fart today, and when I had a break at work I went to the break room and wrote Matt a long email about a whole bunch of shit. It's not shit that I used to spew forth, like of the "when could we get back together" nature, but more of the "I miss you and I was reading your web page and that's why I loved you so much" nature, which I'm not sure is much better. I knew when I was writing it that I was going to regret it, and as time wore on during the day, I kept thinking, "Oh nooo... did I really send that crap to him?" But sometimes I get these things in my head that I feel like I have to tell him or I might explode, and maybe I should just let myself explode or something, because this is just not good, not good at all.

I feel like such a tool. I know he and his girlfriend are probably doing awesome right now, and I had a mini panic attack this morning thinking about them being engaged. He all but promised to give me another chance when I get my shit together, but I have a feeling that's just never going to happen. I feel like he's already in too deep with her.. they've been together for 6 months with a lot of bumps in the road, and if they survived those bumps, they could probably make it through. I know he's feeling old now that he's 25, and I know he wants a family soon, and I know he's probably not even giving a thought to having me provide that for him. It freaks me out. It makes me a little crazy, because he is totally who I want to marry.

I feel like I have to make last minute attempts, but what can I do? I'm helpless in this situation, and what little strength I can show him, I totally fuck up by writing him those emails. I am so mad at myself.

I'm so mad at myself that I messaged him and actually apologized for writing it, and he said it was sweet and that he would reply to it later. He's being really nice about the whole thing but I still feel like such a tool.

Fuck! I have a job, I have friends who call me, why am I still acting like this! I want to hold on to him, but I don't know if I can anymore.. I know I should leave the whole thing up to God now, but it's so hard. I don't want to lose him, and I am. I am losing him, and that makes me want to curl in a ball and cry. I am crying. I'm so tired of crying.

I am so retarded.

I can allow myself to be retarded every now and then, though. Now that I've allowed myself this time, I can't do it again for like.. 3 weeks. I can let myself cry and freak out today, but I'm going to let 3 weeks go by before I do it again. I'm just going to suck it up, because I can't do this anymore. I have a job, I am progressing. Here's weird stuff from the conversation:

Me: I just feel like I'm losing you, yo.. cuz we don't talk that much anymore and you mean a lot to me and I just don't want that to happen..

Matt: We don't talk that much because I don't want to get in the way of you rebuilding your stuff.. we will talk more as you progress further..

How does one gauge how much one has progressed, I wonder? Probably by the sick and twisted emails one sends, I would imagine. I am determined that once he thinks I've progressed enough, he won't give a shit anymore and it will all just be a big bunch of shit. Why would he care about me anymore, anyway? He has his own life, I'm not coming back until next year.. I've lost him. I've really and truly lost him, and it's about time I just started moving on and dealing with it. It hurts, though. It hurts a lot.

Anyway, I guess I'll just show you the email I sent so you can all bask in the retardation that is me.

*****

Subj: Heya and some such.

Date: 5/30/2003 9:50:36

From: Me

To: Matt

Hi there, M Bearius. I am coming at you live from the break room! Isn't that exciting? Did you know that if GM was a country, it would be the 30th largest country in the world? That's not intimidating or anything, not at all.

I just wanted to give you a shout out. I had all kinds of fun dreams about you last night, so I wanted to let you know that I'm thinking about you. How are you doing lately? Are you busy and happy and having fun times and stuff? I hope you are, you deserve it.

As is my bad habit (And I'll be happy to stop if you want me to, I probably should anyway) I looked at your web page this morning and saw your second quarter goals. You know, most of those things are just part of the reason why I loved you so much.. I know that you want so much for yourself, and I also know that you won't stop until you get it. I admire that so much about you, and you know what? Lori is one lucky chick, let me tell ya. :) All those things on your list are things that made me admire you so much. But by now you're probably about to gag from my dorkyness, so let's move on!

As for me, I have a job! It has benefits! And all kinds of good stuff that I've never had the opportunity to have before. It looks like I have a number of challenges ahead of me, but I think I'm ready for them. It's about time that I challenged myself, right? I'm also making lots of friends and trying to keep my social life busy, and I'm doing a good job with that, if I do say so myself. It's nice, it really is.

I miss you! I haven't seen you in 2 months and I'm having Mattie withdrawls. I hope you're doing well, and I hope you're a happy BDM. Have a great weekend and hopefully I'll talk to you soon.

Today is casual Friday. Isn't that exciting?

Muah!