baby maybe someday
2003-02-07 Blockage in my ass.

So, I blocked Matt on IM's.

I know half of you are probably like "FINALLY! Sweet Jesus!" And the other half are all "So? Big fuckin deal."

It is a big fucking deal. That's our only mode of communication. I've talked to him on the phone 1 time since October, and that was because I wanted to ask him to dinner and I didn't have access to a computer to do so.

I didn't even tell him I did it, I just did. I don't know if he'll notice. I don't know if he'll even care. He was all like "We're buds! Lizzie and Mattie! My friend, the one who knows me better than anyone." That's not good enough for me. I don't want to be "buds." I want more.

He just doesn't know how to talk to me without upsetting me. He gets inside my head, he takes advantage of my vulnerability, and then he just smashes it into oblivion. Even last night he said, "So what if we made up! Big deal!" Like he wanted me to believe it wasn't a big thing or some shit. Why would he want me to think it wasn't a big deal? Just so he can continue to manipulate me?

When I look back on the past 3 1/2 months, he's just been really.. hard on me. Really mean, really unaware that I am a person who doesn't take too easily to change, to my boyfriend of 5 years being in love with someone else. I don't know what to do here, I've never dealt with this before. And I know he hasn't either, but he's on the easier side here. He has a girlfriend, he has a job, he has a few friends, he has a house, and he's lived in the same city he's lived in for all his life. I don't have any of that. I just hang out here with my feelings of worthlessness, and that's about it.

So yeah. I don't know how long this is going to last, but hopefully it'll be for a while. We made tentative plans to hang out next Saturday when I'm in Dallas, but that would just be a nightmare at this point. I'm just going to go to Dallas and ignore the fact that my planned activities are like 10 minutes from his house. That should be good times.

It makes me feel powerful the way I'm just going to ignore him. He's not used to me doing that.

And you know.. I know I can't expect him to wait for me until August, when I come home. I know that. I don't really know what I want from him, but it's not this. I don't want him to lead me on and take advantage of my feelings for him. I can't do that anymore.. I need this time to myself. The past 2 weeks could have been so much more productive if I just would have not talked to him, and not had those 5 am chats, but I'm learning. Soon I will be okay with myself again, and then maybe I can talk to him. But not until I have a job, and not until I can feel good about myself.

Okay, that was a long explanation and I'm going to shut up. On the bright side, my mommy is coming today. Yay mommy!

back & forth random
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