I remember looking through the want ads when I was 15, seeing all these awesome jobs for like producers and directors and writers.. and everything was booming, everyone was happy, the world was good times.

Now, there's nothing. Nobody is hiring. Not even freakin Target seems to be hiring. Even Express hired me a few years ago even though I had no experience, practically no availability, and I could barely fit in their tiny 12 year old anorexic clothes.

And it just seems like everything in the world is falling apart. What makes me more sad than anything is the people that are serving our country. They are 18 and 19 year old boys who JUST got out of high school. A lot of them are married, a lot of them have newborns, and now they're gone for God knows how long, protecting their country and leaving their loved ones behind.

I mean.. what do 18 and 19 year olds know about life anyway? How do they get out of high school and go straight to Iraq? How can they handle that? The stress they must feel, that their family must feel, is something that I can't even possibly imagine. It's so sad.

When I was a senior in high school, I entertained the thought of joining the Army. Even if I was serious about it, my prior knee surgery and my weight and other assorted factors would probably keep me from doing such things, but yeah. I was almost serious about it. I went to the Army office and took a test and talked to a recruiter. If I would have stayed there, I probably would be fighting in Iraq today, or some such. And you know what? I almost wish I was. I live a meaningless life right now, but if I was serving my country, making a difference in the world.. then I would feel a lot better about myself, my country, and my role in life.

But what can you do sometimes?

Today really kinda sucked. I'm about to leave and go to a club downtown, which is like so totally and completely weird for me, but I think I need to do this. I'd rather sit here and watch TV, but my social life calls, and I must answer. Plus, it's free!

But I applied at a couple more different places. Central Market said my application would take FOUR WEEKS to process. Oh, okay. I'll just wait here while you process that application.

I did do another temp agency, though. And stuff. Tomorrow is another temp agency, plus I'm going to go to my last resort place.. Round Rock. Round Rock is like 40 minutes from me, but there's a crapload of restaurants and stuff over there and well.. I gotta do what I gotta do.

*****

I was plagued by thoughts of Matt today, and it's just getting old now. It's been almost 6 months.. I just need to grow some balls and get over it. I'm trying lots of different things in order to do so, and I hope they start to work at some point.

I just feel empty.. he filled this big void inside of me that was always empty, and yeah.. yeah, I realize that I have to fill that void myself and that no one but me and God can fill it, but I just miss him.. and I know when I get back to Dallas it might even be worse, because it will almost be the fall. I used to love Fall. We'd go to football games, we'd go on road trips, we'd celebrate our anniversary by going to Reno, we'd do a lot of shit in the Fall. And now I have to find other things to do. And that scares me. I really hope I can get over this before I go back.. because I owe it to myself.

I did check his website today, though. (Nothing new.) And I did check to see if he's idle a few minutes ago. He's not. And it's wrong of me to be happy that he's sitting at home and I'm about to go out and look for some booty.

It's all bullshit. So I'm just going to go get hot and meet some boys at the club. Yay boys.

*****

What was Liz doing a year ago?

"I have to tell you all of my passionate hate for Daylight Saving time. WHY? WHY must we have this abomination? I hate it. I hate this whole "Let's still be sunny at 8:30 at night and throw off everybody's sense of time, mood, love, and justice just because it's almost summer."

Well, I have news for you! The summer sucks! The summer can KISS MY BIG ASS, DAMNIT! It doesn't rain and its 105 degrees for 3 months and THATS NOT FUN! I'd appreciate THE LEAST AMOUNT OF SUN POSSIBLE! Thank you and have a nice day."