I'm just really annoyed with Matt right now. He keeps saying "If you're GOOD, we'll do this, we'll do that, blah blah blah.." I just straight up told him, Dude, whatever, I'm just going to do my thing. If you think it's good, fine. I don't really care anymore.

The whole point of this being "good" crap that frustrates me is that I thought not being "good" is why he dumped me in the first place, and I spent the first 6 months in Austin tring to be "good" so I could get him back, when, in the end, it only mattered when he was dumped by The Girl. And in our lengthy conversation tonight he was like, "If you're happy right now, shouldn't you stay in Austin?" That annoys me on so many different levels. I've planned my whole scene around the fact that I will be leaving on February 1st. There are no doubts about this, I will be leaving. Everyone in my life knows this, although I've learned not to talk about it anymore because people really get annoyed when they learn they're really only in a temporary friendship.

GRAWR! One thing about long distance relationships.. I've found that I get really annoyed and frustrated when I think I'm going to see him and then I don't. I was really actually ready to shell out $40 for a motel in Waco tonight, but he didn't think it would be worth it. For a few minutes there, I thought it would happen. And when he was like, "Just wait, in 2 months we'll be in Vegas.." grrr. That pissed me right the hell off. For me, it's worth the hour and a half drive to do some nookie-izing and snuggling and then falling asleep together. But I guess it wasn't worth it to him. Butthole.

I need to find a way to not get so entirely pissed off. Relaxation techniques are my friend.

But you know what? I'm cool. I'm fine. Even before he started this being way more attentive thing a few weeks ago, I was fine. I have a job, I'm making money, I'm hanging out with friends, I'm going to eventually lose weight.. and if he's there for the ride, cool. If not, whatever. It'll suck a little, but I've had a year worth of sucking already. I'll be fine.

My hands smell like burritos.

I have tons more to say but I'm shit-ton tired, so an update will be forthcoming in the morning.

Peace out.

We're getting to the interesting parts of what I was doing a year ago.. the parts of me deciding to move to Austin, to try to move on.. we haven't gotten to the full out, balls to the wall depression part yet.. so that's good times.

*****

What was Liz doing a year ago?

"But what about in January? I'm seriously considering going to Las Vegas. I think it will fill a need somehow - a need to go away and see if I have what it takes to make it on my own, without someone holding my hand. A need to see if I'm really missing anything in Vegas. A need to just get the hell away from here for a few months.

That sounds good to me, but I don't want to do it if it's going to jeopardize our relationship. I've made a lot of decisions based on our relationship, and I'm not saying this as a guilt trip or whatever, I'm saying it as a fact. I was seriously considering going to Santa Fe for college, but I decided not to because not only did I want to stay in Texas, but I wanted to stay with a certain Mattiebear. I never seriouisly pursued getting a job in college because I knew it would jeopardize the time I got to spend with you. Again, this is just a fact that I am stating to prove my point here."