I keep repeating out loud in my empty apartment, "It hurts so bad.. I just don't understand.." he won't listen to me.. he won't talk to me... he's not awake right now and the emptiness inside of me is killing me. To not have him at all.. I thought that was bad. But to have him and then have him turn his back on me.. that's even worse. To know that just a week ago he was calling me and IMing me and talking about the future, and now he's ignoring me. Not even taking 5 minutes out of the day to see how I am.

It's breaking my heart. I fucking can't believe that he's doing this.

And on another level, I know I'm not crying about him. I'm crying about myself, and how I allowed myself to get to this point in my life. How I let it get to a point where I'd rather stay with someone who doesn't care about me the way that I crave. I could have dumped him a long time ago. I could have gotten it together. I could have moved on. But my heart is attached to him, and my brain is so fucked up beyond recognition that it won't let me do what I know I should probably do.

But I have hope. I have hope that things will get better, because they always do. But look at that.. they always get better, but then they get much, much worse.

I don't understand.. he knows I'm hurting, and he doesn't even care. He's so involved with his stupid busy little life that he can't even bother with me. I knew that would happen. Back in December I wrote him an email about how I was so afraid that when football season started, he would forget all about me. And he has. He has forgotten that I exist. Me, flesh and blood, the person who has loved him no matter what he did, who he pissed off, how he fucked up.. he has forgotten me. He has discarded me. I sometimes think that I only exist in his life to make him feel superior to himself. Seriously. He knows that however big he screws up in his life, I will be there by his side, making him feel better.

Where is that person for me? Why isn't he that person? Why doesn't he care enough? WHY DOESN'T HE CARE ENOUGH? It's so simple to just call and ask how I'm doing. It's so easy. I realize that he was busy this weekend, but he could have taken an hour out of his day to sit down with me. And he just didn't want to.

My brother got me an appointment with a psychiatrist at 11 on Thursday. All I can say about that is.. Thank God. Maybe I can actually start taking the meds this week. I want to do whatever I have to so I don't wake up on a Tuesday morning and cry like a baby. It's always Tuesday.. I don't know what it is about a Tuesday that makes me feel so helpless and completely out of control.

Breaking up sounds like the most obvious option right now, but I don't want that. I want to talk about it. I want to get this out of our systems so we can move on. I can't stand this anymore. I can't stand his total ambivalance when it comes to me. I mean.. should I just set him free? Should I let him go out in the world and find someone who doesn't care that he forgets about you when it most counts? I mean.. he's the one who called me after the blond broke up with him. Doesn't that mean that he wanted us to happen? I don't understand him.

But. I have stopped crying. I am willing myself to get off my ass and go work out, but I see that he just got online, and I want so desperately to talk to him, but he just woke up and that would probably not be conducive to anything.

This sucks.