I don't want that to happen. We were having this horrible conversation that was just ENRAGING me, and I kept saying to myself, "Say it! Say it. SAY IT! You have to say it or you're going to be mad as hell at yourself."

So I said it.

Liz: Take someone else out for New Years.

Liz: I don't want this anymore.

Matt: Okay.

And then I logged off. He didn't call me. I went to work out for an hour and a half (imagine my delight at there being a kickboxing class a few minutes after I got there) and I came back, no email or anything. I really honestly think he couldn't care less. Maybe at some point it'll occur to him that I was serious, and even then he might not give a shit.

I had to do it. I had to show him that I'm not going to take this shit anymore. I love him, but maybe I love him too much. Maybe it's just time to move on. Maybe he should start over with someone he didn't cheat on for 4 months, someone he never had an open relationship with, someone who's parents don't hate him, someone who doesn't know him the way I do. Maybe it's time for me to find someone who isn't afraid to tell me that he loves me, someone who will eat turkey and drink wine and take me out and meet my friends. Someone who isn't ashamed of me. Someone who really loves me as much as I love them.

That would be nice.

That's all I have to say right now. I'm hoping to stay strong, but who knows. I am looking out towards a future without him. I'm thinking about what I can do for New Years. I'm thinking that I really need to get in shape because the next guy isn't going to want all these extra pounds, especially because I feel so unnattractive.

Now that makes me sad, that right there. He always made me feel beautiful. But I guess it's time to look to myself for that.

This is hard.