*****

First of all, ye Sarah of guestbook fame: I don't know you, so I'm allowed to say this without any problems at all: fuck you. Matt and I loved each other for 5 years. We shared intimate details of our lives together, we talked about the future together, we held hands in crowded rooms, we snuggled under blankets when it was cold. It wasn't just me in that relationship, he was there too. So, fuck you. Yes I consider it a relationship because that's what it was. So go worry about your own life and stop worrying about mine.

I think my conscience (my real one, not the one who thought they'd sign my guestbook and tell me about my life) knows when I really need to shut up and stop whining to the world about my problems.

This morning I woke up and almost immediately started crying. I felt sorry for myself. I wrote this really long entry about what a fuck up I am. But the fun part about being a gold member here at D-land is that you have to press shift 1,000 times before you actually get to the "done!" button. And I only pressed it like 2 times and it went to the "click here to learn more" crappola and poof! It was gone.

But that's probably a good thing. I went to my brother's this morning and we talked and he really helped me have some perspective on things.

You know what? I took a chance. I packed up my shit and moved 200 miles away to see if I could make it on my own. Things really seem to suck right now because I have NOTHING to do. All I have is time to sit here and think about all my problems. I don't have anything to study, I don't have any work, I have to just sit here in my own juices and think about everything that went wrong.

But I did take a chance. I took a chance thinking that I could make something better for myself. For the month I've been here, I've kept talking to Matt even when I know it's wrong and that it's just holding me back. I've sabotaged a lot of things, but at least I did it. At least I promised myself that I could take a risk and feel like I could come out of it a better person. Matt isn't doing anything different. He's going to school and studying and secret shopping just like he always has, except now he has a different girlfriend while he's doing it. And this girlfriend doesn't treat him right, but that's his problem.

I asked him yesterday how it was just so easy for him to move on so quickly to another girl. And he said, "Well, it was too good of an offer to pass up." And that hurt. It hurt a lot, but it's true. I suppose if the girl who broke your heart comes along and offers to make it better, and you're both single, and you feel like this girl is your intellectual equal and shit, than it really is too good to pass up.

But it still hurts. And it is hard, but this is all new for me. I've never had to get a job by myself before. I've never had to start all over and make completely new friends. I feel like I want to haul ass back to Dallas and settle into a life that I know so well back there, but I can't. I still have a solid 6 more months here, and shit, I might as well make the most out of it. I might as well make it my bitch while I still can.

For 23 years I've felt like I was above the law. Like the normal rules didn't apply to me. My parents gave me everything I asked for, I was a spoiled bitch. And then Matt came along and I thought I had it made. Why make friends, why even make an effort when I had somebody who would love me no matter what?

Well, now he's not here. He doesn't love me no matter what. He's not all tender and supportive and he's not going to hold my hand and tell me that he'll be here for me. He's not going to whisper in my ear that he loves me, he's not going to kiss my forehead and tell me that everything is going to be okay. And I'm used to that. For 5 years, we got through it together. And now we're not, and I have to do it on my own. But at least I took the chance to think that it's possible to move to my dream city, and at least I took the chance to believe that it's possible to be happy that way.

I did this for myself, not for him, not for my parents, not for my friends. And I have to start looking at it like that because if I don't, I might just keep waking up and crying every day. And I really don't want to do that.

Anyway. Thanks to all of you who have been supportive. Maybe I got my panties in a bunch yesterday but I feel like I deserved that. I try to be nice to everyone here for fear of making enemies, but fuck that. Let me make my own mistakes so I can go out in the world and be stronger.

Anyway, I have to tell you what I did last night. My brother and his boyfriend and I went to Spike and Mike's twisted Animation festival.

That shit was seriously disturbing. I felt like I needed to go to church and cleanse myself after watching all that. I mean, really.. people can be seriously deranged. I'm just glad they're taking it out in their animations and not the helpless victims of society. Dizamn.. people are fucked up.

After that, I drove around for an hour just listening to Loveline and not wanting to go home. If I went home, all I'd do is stare at the computer and wonder why Matt wasn't talking to me. But of course when I did go home I ended up talking to him anyway. Another sad and craptastic affair it was, and he probably won't be talking to me again any time soon, although when I said something to that effect he said, "I like talking to you and I will continue to do so." Grar. Whatever.

But when I was driving around I had to make a U-Turn, and when I was doing that I saw a deer. Like, a real and actual deer! It was so strange. I tried to make it my spirit deer, but if it was my spirit deer I wouldn't have gone home and talked to Matt.

But I do enjoy pointless driving along. It's a game I like to play, "Let's get lost and try to find our way back just using our wits." I did well last night. I might do it again tonight just for shits and giggles.

Anyway, I guess I should probably start calling temp agencies because my brother says they're the key to getting my unemployed ass working. Work is good. That is what I'm about. Working. Right. Yes. Good.

Rock on, sisters and brothers.