baby maybe someday
October 03, 2004 Buh bye: An Austinliz thesis

Well, alrighty then. Here it goes!

For a while now, I've wanted to move on from that which is AustinLiz. Why? It's pretty simple.

My first incarnation at D-land was here. For a year and a half, I took you through tales of college, having a boyfriend, and being a total and complete slacker. Eventually, I outgrew MyMichele, as I was moving forward. When graduation was looking in front of me, when I got dumped out of my relationship, I knew that my life was about to change forever. So, I moved on.

AustinLiz is a brand, an identity. AustinLiz represents a girl who moved to Austin because she couldn't stand the pain of living 10 minutes from the boy who broke her heart. She moved to Austin because it was her dream city, and she knew if she didn't do it now, she might never get to do it, and that is something she didn't want to regret.

Is anyone else tired of me talking in the third person?

Anyway, my whole life in Austin was structured, even when I didn't have a job, which was most of the time. I was on a mission. I knew I had a certain amount of time in this city, and I was going to make the most out of it. I volunteered, I spent hours and hours in the gym, so much so that the gym actually became the center of my life, something that I began to look forward to it everyday. Sometimes it was the only thing I had to look forward to.

And then there was church, where I met the girls in my small group, and the incredible people in the depression support group. And there was my brother, who did everything in his power to make me feel like I belonged. There was my therapist, who brought feelings to the surface that I wasn't prepared to deal with. There was a lot of things and people that came together to assure that I wouldn't go completely crazy in Austin, and well.. I made it through, and now I'm back.

I'm not the person I was when I started this diary. I have the same issues, but they don't take me over and make me lose complete control anymore. I'm not the person I was in December of 2002, with the astounding broken heart and complete ignorance of what real life is.
I didn't want to be Austinliz because that's just not me anymore. When I moved to Austin, I was a victim. I blamed all my problems on others, and I didn't stand up for myself. A year in Austin changed me in subtle ways. I take responsibility for my decisions and my past. I made valuable friends in Austin. I set up a system for myself that was very important to me because I truly believe that if I didn't have that system, I would have withered under the pressure.

I'm moving here. And I know some of you are all, "Las Vegas? Huh? Are you moving there?"

Nope. The thing about Las Vegas is that it's sophisticated, charming, sexy, and exciting. Whenever I get within 5 minutes of the city limits, I have a huge grin plastered on my face because I just love the place so much. On the other hand, it's also depressing, sleazy, and hot.

What I'm trying to say is that unlike Austin, which was my actual physical location, Las Vegas represents a mindset. It's a place that makes me happy and yet depresses the shit out of me at the same time, which is pretty much where I am at this moment. I'm happy because I escaped the person I used to be, but I'm still a little depressed because I'm not the person I want to be quite yet.

Another thing.. I've been on Diaryland for almost 3 and a half years now. That's not really a bad thing, but I want LasVegasLiz to be my last home on D-Land. I want to update less and less, gradually. I want to eventually phase out the need to write about my thoughts in a public forum. Not that I'm not so fucking grateful for this forum, that's not what I'm saying at all.

But I'm sure some of you know what I'm talking about when I say this: Whenever something exciting or depressing or news worthy happens in my life, I'm just a little tired of immediately thinking these two thoughts:
a. I can't wait to tell Matt!
b. I can't wait to write about it in my diary on D-Land!

I need to ween myself off D-Land. Eventually. My goal is to be off the breast by 2006. That's my new motto! I really need to start writing in a paper diary more often. It's what I've been doing since I was 6, so it shouldn't really be that hard.

I have to move, just because when I look over some of the older entries, like this one and this one, I just don't.. understand that person anymore. The person who knew Matt loved his girlfriend yet still did everything I could to get him back. The person who would spend hours crying about how shitty my life is. I really can't look at those entries anymore.. they're heartbreaking. I have to make a new start. I toyed with the idea of bringing every single one of my old entries over here and therefore making a big mega-diary, but that didn't seem right. Plus, that's like 1,500 entries and I don't have the patience for that. Sorry, Axl.

So, come see me. Add me to your favorites if you want, although I'd understand if you didn't. I want to thank those of you who do in advance.. I know it's a pain in the ass to follow me around, but nobody ever accused me of not being a pain in the ass. And to those of you who have followed me from here to here and now to here, I sincerely thank you. That rocks.

Basically, in summary.. in the almost 2 years that I've had this diary, I:
* Had 5 different jobs, 3 of which I got fired from.
* Got called at 3 AM to be told that Matt's girlfriend cheated on him and he wanted me back
* Got nookie for the first time in 8 months a few hours later
* Saw about 1,000 movies
* Moved back to Dallas
* Found a roommate that I'm really compatible with
* Have had many puppies come in my life
* Got sweat on by Slash
* Became addicted to CSI
* Etc

So, it's been a good run. I learned a lot, but I need to move on. I'm sure you understand.

Here I am, your rocket queen.

back & forth random

So be it! My last entry ever. - November 16, 2004
701 - October 17, 2004
Buh bye: An Austinliz thesis - October 03, 2004
war of the roses - October 01, 2004
fucking debate! - September 30, 2004