I totally am not doing well with this whole "Austin is NOT about Matt" thing. We talked last night, and I couldn't sleep because I kept thinking of him. Of him coming here, doing bad things to me in my big comfortable bed.

He flirts with me, and I know he thinks of it as harmless, but I don't. I take it seriously. I thought he was seriously going to drive 3 hours last night to see me, but that's just stupid. He's not going to do that. He hasn't seen his girlfriend in 3 weeks and I want to see him and other assorted things.

It sounds serious with this girl.. she won't tell her parents about him because they're all hardcore Christian and he's really not that religious. To me, that seems like she's either waiting for the right time to tell them so everything can be perfect and then they can like get engaged or something, or she just doesn't want to tell them because she doesn't know if she really likes him.

This is what I think about. This is what I obsess over. This is why I can't sleep. This is why I need friends right away because I'm tired of obsessing over things like this.

He cares about me. He wants me to succeed. And it would be so much easier if I hated him or something, but I can't. He's too.. nice. It sucks. It sucks so bad.

Anyway.

Scott may come to Austin today for something or other, so he can come see the Maxi Pad. That would be nice cuz none of my friends have come yet. So yay Scott.

I hope I can sleep better tonight.. it's not cool to obsess over him like this. I can't stop thinking about when the 7 or 14 or whatever months are over, are we gonna pick up where we left off? Is he going to be fucking married?

ARRGGHHH! I HATE THIS! I WANT AUSTIN TO BE ABOUT ME!

I've only been here since Thursday, that's not really a long time. I should go easier on myself. But it's so hard.. I miss him so much.

In other news, at least it's not annoyingly sunny today. That makes a girl happy.

*****

What was Liz doing a year ago?

"The great thing (and when I say "great", I mean "Not great.") about living in a dorm is that there's only one room. Now, I took it upon myself today to engage in the deviant activity of buying porn. I was looking forward to having a night to ermm.. myself. But I come back here and my roommate's stuff is here. So I could just say to myself, "Hmm, she's not here right now, maybe she won't be here in the next 30 minutes or so," and I can engage in desired activities. But then I do that and in she walks in with her parents or something. That is not really what I want to happen.

The point is, I can't engage in desired activities. And that is not good times! I want to watch some porn, damnit!"