Well, things with Matt got a little strange last night. He got his panties in a wad that I blocked him, and he thought I was doing it for attention apparently, when in fact I was doing it for the totally opposite reason - so he wouldn't pay attention to me. I don't really like that he knows when I'm here and when I'm not. I can block him again, and it would be all good, but he won't tell me his other account and really, I don't care. Whatever, you know? Just.. whatever.

When he asked me why I blocked him, I said it was because I have to do whatever it takes to get past this point in my life, and if blocking him helps, that's what I'm going to do. He was a little more sympathetic about it after that. I tried to talk to him more about stuff, but apparently he's slept like 10 hours in the last 5 or 6 days, so he's not too interested in filling his weary mind with such riff raff. I don't blame him really.

Then this morning I sent him some of my pictures. He said I looked hot. Well, duh. And then later I asked him what he thought of me staying here after the 3 months is over, and yeah. You know what? I did want him to say "Come back! I miss you too much!" What he did say was that it depends on what I want to do with school, since it would apparently be easier to go to grad school in Dallas. Thanks. I'll make sure to remember that, wise one.

So it's back to blocking him and NOT looking at his web page. I looked at it, and I went into some of his older pages, and I saw something that I shouldn't have let myself see. It was what he wants to name his kids, but he might have to name them something different if he has them with current girlfriend because she has to keep the names in the family. That turned my stomach, let me tell you. It also gave me the kick in the ass that I need.

I think I've pretty much decided to stay here until next year. It would be the good thing to do. The smart thing. The wise thing. And I've never really done "the smart thing" for myself. I could be all romanticized-like and go back just for Matt, but he hasn't asked me to. And why should I go back and be miserable until the fall is over when I could just stay here and avoid the whole thing?

I was thinking today at church.. I've already done a lot for myself while I've been here. I had the option of sitting with several different people at church tonight, I waved at lots of people, I KNOW people at church. I went to dinner with 2 girls tonight.. it was so cool. I'm so close to getting some kind of job, any job.. people keep calling me now that all the UT students are leaving for the summer. I have a few interviews lined up. But anyway.. given the right amount of time, which I have pretty much been given, I can really forcefully turn this thing around. I can make something for myself. I can build a background for myself that didn't involve anyone else's help. That excites me.. it really does.

Staying here changes a lot of things and I have to change my perspective on everything, but I know it's what I have to do. God has really been showing me that this is the right choice to make.

The hardest thing is knowing that what is supposed to happen will happen. If Matt and I were meant to be together, 200 miles isn't going to keep us apart. Either we'll get back together, or he will just fucking marry that girl, I know he will. He's about to turn 25 and I know he wants a family. I don't know how bad he wants it, but I know if she gets her shit together, he will marry her in like.. 2 seconds. That depresses me, but I also know that if we got married, all our problems would be magnified by 10,000 percent. And that's just bad.

I just have to let myself believe that this is the right choice. I have to let myself believe that if he really wanted me, he'd come for me. I have to let go of thinking we're ever going to get back together, because the truth is.. we probably aren't. 5 years of memories is great, but that's probably all I'm going to have left of him. I can't imagine wanting to be friends with him if he's engaged to her, married to her, has kids with her.. it would just be too hard. And that sucks so bad.. we shared so much together, we were best friends.

But you know what? I've lost best friends before. It sucks, but it fucking happens. And you just have to deal with it.

I think going to bed right now would be a lovely idea.

And if you want to see what a dork my brother is, look at his web page.