I know that will be attractive when I see Matt today. I'll be walking like an 80 year old who lost her walker. Sexy!

Today I was just going to hang out in Dallas, see a movie, go to a bookstore, just do my regular Saturday shiznit. But we're going to hang out. I don't know why. But I think I can be better about things this time because my period is almost over and yeah.. we have all day to do stuff, not just 3 hours. And I won't be trying to get in his pants because I am having my womanly situation, which kind of prevents such things from happening.

I feel like I'm being a burden on him, seeing him two weekends in a row. I'm supposed to be in Austin, living my own life, free of him. But that's just not the way it is right now. I have to stop beating myself up over that and figure out a way to do the things I need to do. Like finding a job. Again. And anyway, it was kinda his idea to hang out anyway. I sort of planted the seed, he let it grow. You know how it is. It's a chick thing.

Good times, that's what I say.

And I know it's wrong of me to say, but the fact that I'm hanging out with him on the day that his girlfriend is supposed to be making her big decision.. well, that gives me some sort of weird satisfaction. Even though he says the big decision was supposed to come a week ago, March 15th, when her roommate moved out. But whatever.

Yesterday at the Arboretum, while my mom and stepdad were looking at the flowers, I was people watching. It was a beautiful sunny spring day, about 65 degrees, and so many couples were just out there, walking around, holding hands. This one couple were taking pictures of their tiny little baby in the flowers.. it was so cute. And there were 2 brides there, in full wedding dress outfits, getting their pictures taken. I WANT that. I want it so bad.

I used to tell Matt that when I graduated, I wasn't ready to like.. move in with him or do that kind of thing. I wanted to live by myself for a year or two, live in a loft in Downtown Dallas, see what living in Austin is like maybe. And now that I'm doing that, I realize what an empty life that is. I want to live near my family, and I want to have my own family. I want to have someone I come home to everyday, a best friend, a lover, a family. I want that. I don't like living by myself anymore.. I've done it for a long time and there's just no satisfaction in it anymore.

Ideally I want to marry Matt, we all know that. But maybe I'm just kidding myself waiting around for him. Maybe it's not possible to fall in love and stay happily married to someone who fit your ideals when you were barely 18 years old.

I was thinking about this.. I'm fighting for him right now. I'm trying hard to get him to return to the role he used to play in my life, but in a different way. Like.. we wouldn't be doing the same things. A typical weekend for us for YEARS would be me going over there on Friday, we'd get it on, we'd go eat, maybe play miniature golf or go see a movie, then we'd go back to his house and watch some kind of sports, I'd get online and review diaries, he'd get online and chat with his people on IRC, and that's basically it. It's a good thing that we're going through this now.. to show each other that what we were doing before was not a good thing. And maybe we'll pick up the pieces, learn how to be together in the right way, and pick up where we left off.

If it sounds like I'm in denial, I don't think I am. I just don't. I don't want to defend myself.. let's just say that I believe. I believe in what I want for my future, and really, what the hell is so wrong with that?

I just want to come home to him. I want to open the door and see him every day, and that's just what I want. I can't help it. I'm just a dork.

This entry sucks.

*****

What was Liz doing a year ago?

"Another observation: Good lord! How come nobody told me Russell Crowe was so god forsaken gorgoues? I NEVER KNEW! I understand now. I think I'm going to have to rent Gladiator so I can see him in all his half nekkid glory. Can I get a what-what?"