|baby maybe someday|
So, last night I went to the circus.
I don't really consider myself to be a fan of the circus, really, and that's for only one reason: the last time I went to the circus, about 20 years ago, my dad was arrested. Now, I could tell you why he was arrested but it's not a very interesting story and it's more intriuging (I never know how the spell that word) when I tell you he was arrested but don't say why.
But I had no idea that this affected my feelings about the circus until my dad and various kids all went together last weekend. Then the whole getting arrested incident came back to me. While I do very much appreciate having a story to tell that begins, "Well, yeah, but my dad got arrested at the circus!", I guess that has just left bad circus thoughts in my head.
But, whatever. Last night I abandoned my getting arrested fears and headed off to the circus with my roommate, her boyfriend, and the caretaker of my dad's farm. A very odd assortment, this is true. We had tickets because when my dad went on Sunday, the place was evacuated before the circus was over due to something or other. See, my dad should just not go to the circus. It's hazardous to everyone. But anyway, he wrote this really mean letter and managed to get some free tickets out of the whole mess.
I did enjoy it.. they do some really amazing things over there at Ringling Brothers. But I couldn't help but feel bad for all the animals involved. Those elephants don't really look like they're having a lot of fun. And all those beautiful horses should be out running in fields, not doing amazing tricks for thousands of people. Plus, all those circus people! It's a fascinating world, I think.
As a sidenote, my boss just told me that the animals are treated really well, and they even rescue some of them from bad situations elsewhere. I know it's kinda dumb for me to think that the most well-known circus ever would treat its animals bad, but I dunno. These animals just do amazing things! We can't even get PD to sit, but they get these horses and elephants and zebras to do these crazy crazy things.
As another sidenote, the people I work with here gave me lots of shit for going to the circus with the farm caretaker guy because they all know him. So when we were all together last night I kept thinking about how they accused me of going on a "date" with him, and thus I dreamt about him all last night, too. I mean, there's nothing wrong with him.. he's a nice guy. He has the most Texas country accent of anyone I've ever known, but he's a good guy. But not like, a dateable guy! He's in his late 30's! And such.
I just thought I'd share that.
In other news, I'm feeling trapped in the bounds of what I consider to be me and Matt's "relationship." I started another relationship chat yesterday, because that's what happens. Every couple of months my rebellious streak starts to come out again and I have to question what the hell is going on here.
I feel trapped because he's been keeping me at arm's length, but at the same time, he's not planning on getting rid of me anytime soon. One thing I've learned from the past couple of days of tense conversation is that ultimately, he sees me in his future. He wants to marry me and have kids and crap, but he also wants to see if I'll be able to get myself together at some point. And while that makes sense on a certain level.. I wouldn't want to marry someone if they didn't really have a good future ahead of them.. I also know that he KNOWS I have potential and it's just a matter of time before the whole world sees it, too.
So, whatever. I'm pretty sure I'm not going to do anything about it except continue to try to improve myself. I'm still holding on to those two jobs I interviewed for on Friday, although neither of them have contacted me this week, which doesn't really seem like the best omen in the world. But I've kinda abandoned the full out balls to the wall job search this week until I know for sure about these jobs. *sigh*
I just want this part of my life to be over. I want a job, I want to succeed at something. At my current job, they STILL haven't gotten me another phone (something about having to get estimates on replacing the entire phone system, yada yada) so I'm basically just hanging out here and doing what I'd do at home. And I'm barely even getting paid for it, so I guess it works out for everyone.
Anyway. I've noticed that I say ANYWAY a lot, and I always have, and it's just a quirky little trait of my writing skills.
I've been spending a lot of time reading CSI fanfic (they actually have Gil/Warrick fan fick out there! I tried to read it but it was just too creepy) and playing "Six Degrees of CSI/Six Feet Under/ER" on TWoP lately. That's where you come up with a random movie/TV person and try to link them to a star of that particular show. It's quite addictive, and I find myself drifting over there quite a bit. Amanda and I used to play that ALL the time back before it was cool. She was much better at it than I was.
I SO love the image search thing on Google. It makes it so easy to find pictures of stuff. Like, here's one for you:
Howard Stern's daughters are 21 and 18 years old. That is amazing to me somehow. I remember when they were 8 and 11, when I started listening when I was 14. Crazy crazy times.
I was 10 minutes late to work today because I couldn't find anything to wear. I hate being overweight.. nothing fits right.
It is SOOO HOTTT lately! 102 yesterday. I am really glad that Fall is upon us. That is my favorite season, you know. The Ali-Kat and I will be turning 25 years old soon. This frightens me like you wouldn't believe.
I miss Austin today.
For our blast from the past today, we have another one of those Irony-filled ironicness things going on with all of it. So, look.
I love my long entries.
"But I made the choice to stay for another 6 months, and I made that choice because I know it's the best thing to do at this point in my life. I could go home right now, return to the life I had before I moved here. I could go to my dad's every Sunday night, I could have my mom come over and clean my apartment every couple of weeks, I could return to the life that Matt and I had so long ago that consisted of me coming to his house, doing absolutely nothing, and having this result in fights because I haven't matured enough to be able to handle that."
"And this isn't the first time I've done this, either. I've done it two other times in the last month and a half. While I know 3 times hardly qualifies me for the movies I watched in gym class in junior high with Tracy Gold and Karen Carpenter and Meredith Baxter Burney, but still. It's not a good habit. And it's just stupid.
Well, don't worry. I'm not ready to join the pro-ana ring just yet. I am truly disgusted with myself right now and I know I have to get my shit together. I have to get a grasp on what's really important. I have to learn that I don't need to get everything I want."
"BB is really intelligent. He skipped 2 grades in school, has a 4.0 GPA, has a genius IQ, and all that crap. The problem with really smart people is that they tend to overanalyze everything, and when they do that, they come up with their own fucked up logic. He has always had some kind of strange logic, ever since I met him. For some reason, he's a virgin, but he'll do "anything but." When we first got together, he explained to me that he doesn't want a girlfriend until he knows he wants to marry the person, and until then, he doesn't want comittment. I NEVER thought that was right. I've hated it from the very start. But that's the way he is, and if I want things to work, that's what I had to deal with."
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So be it! My last entry ever. - November 16, 2004
701 - October 17, 2004
Buh bye: An Austinliz thesis - October 03, 2004
war of the roses - October 01, 2004
fucking debate! - September 30, 2004