I don't use the word "lonely" too often, because really, I'm not. I have made some friends here, I have my brother, I talk to my mom like twice a day. And I like spending time alone. But today, the voices in my head are getting louder, the little quirks that I've become so uncomfortable with are getting more pronounced, and I feel lonely.

When I say the voices, I don't mean actual voices, but like my voice of reason. I have put in some long hours at the gym this week.. really working up a sweat and doing the stuff that I know I need to do. But my eating patterns do not reflect this as such. Today I had 3 of my regular meals, and two of them were just bad bad bad. I had popcorn and candy at the movie. I had Taco Cabana when I got home. And I feel so guilty about it. I feel like I don't have control over myself. And meanwhile my apartment and my car are all junked out, I don't have enough money to pay my bills because I spent most of my last check on lottery tickets (I got it in my head on Wednesday that I was going to win the lottery that night.. what was I going to do with all the millions of dollars I was destined to win? Needless to say, I didn't.), food that was desperately bad for me, porn, and magazines to read while I was working out. I did spend some at Kinko's in relation to the job search, but thats about the only productive thing I did spent it on.

I know this is probably actually the best thing for me. To get so tired of myself and the weird little things about me that I make a plan of action and actually stick to it. To type it out here and to actually have it out like this makes me feel a little crazy. A little dangerous. But don't call the looney bin yet, I don't think I've gotten to the mentally unstable part of my life yet. And I really think that next week is going to help a lot with the nice little vacation to Dallas. I also have my first meeting with my psychologist on Tuesday, so that should be good.

I'm just not feeling so good about my life right now. And I think that I have to admit to myself that this might be depression, just a different kind than I had the last time. Last time I was so bitter and contemptful about the whole Matt situation that I wasn't focusing on what else was going on, and now that I have to live with all this.. this stuff going on inside my head without the extra perplexity over the Matt stuff, everything else is coming to the surface. And it's just not a pretty picture.

To sum it up, here's the problems that I have, as I see them:

1. I'm extremely lazy. I'll know that I need to do something and I won't do it until way after I needed to do it, and by that time, it's almost retarded that I'm doing it now because I should have done it such a long time ago.

2. My eating habits are crazy, predictable, and not conducive at all to me losing weight. I probably have an eating disorder. By the way, the buliemia thing? I've done it twice more this week. I don't plan on continuing this habit, but we never do, do we?

3. I'm a total pig. My car is a mess, my apartment is a mess. I clean things up but they get dirty after 3 days and I don't clean again for another 2 weeks.

4. I'm still socially retarded. I don't know if this is ever going to change.

I desperately want to say the bullshit line of "I've never felt so isolated before," but what a load of crap that is. Want to talk about isolation? How about that very first week in Austin when my brother was out of town and I knew nobody. Matt had his girlfriend, my mom was gone, everyone was gone and it was just me in a town I didn't know anything about. How's that for isolation?

I just feel.. alone. Alone with these weird problems that are constantly in my mind. And it's so stupid.. if I know they are there, why can't I just do something about it? Why can't I just slam my foot down and say "Enough is enough! I am going to eat right, I'm going to clean my car, and I'm not going to be lazy! JUST DO IT!" I say that every morning when I wake up, but every day, I screw it up somehow.

In other news, I'm totally and completely in love with Kyle the Personal Trainer. But we all knew that.

Also, I wouldn't suggest playing Triple Yahtzee on games.com while you're writing a diary entry. This has taken me almost an hour to write. However, I did win the game, by a score of something like 1768. That included 3 yahtzees! I think it's the highest scoring game of all time or something.

Also, Pirates of the Carribean. I do love me some boys with long hair. Johnny Depp? Holy shit, how hot is he? I know that's not exactly a new revelation for the Planet Earth, but wow! Hot! And it was a really good movie. I really dug the special effects where the people would turn into skeletons under the light of the moon, that was really groovy.

To end this, I'm sorry if this entry was totally insane. I am truly looking forward to next week where I will have lots of good times with all those people that I truly love. I can't wait to see Matt.. he's really being so cute and loving lately. And my mom is back after 3 months of being in Utah, and I get to meet her new horsie, too. And and and.. yeah. I'm just looking forward to it. I feel like I need it. I feel like I totally don't deserve to just leave here for a week while I'm looking for a job, but hey, I need to see my peeps because I just do.

I have Habitat for Humanity in the morning so I should probably be going now.

Boys that I heart:

Johnny Depp, Kyle the personal trainer, Matt, Orlando Bloom but not in LOTR, Axl, my puppy Charlie, and your mom.