Here's a letter I'm about to send to Matt. I'll probably regret it, but what can you do.

Hi there, sweetiepoo. There's a few things I would like to get off my chest. It should be fun times!

This morning I went to my fun new psychologist, and as I cried and cried and told him about the past week, he straight up told me, "I think you're suffering from a severe clinical depression."

And you know.. I've tried to deny it. I've tried to shake it off. I've tried to fix it myself. I've tried to make goals and stick to them and just do it. I've tried to just attribute it all to lazyness. But I'm tired of this. He wants me to see a psychiatrist to see what kind of medication I should start taking. I didn't want to believe him at first. I kept making excuses. I tried to talk myself into believing that I didn't need it.

But maybe I do. Maybe, if it'll make it easier for me, maybe it will just be worth it. And I'm so scared. I'm scared of what my family will think, and I'm really scared of what you'll think. I've been trying to be happy when we talk, so you can see that I'm improving, but I'm not. I might even be doing worse now that I've gone to the psychologist a few times and have seen how seriously fucked up I am. I've been trying to hide it from you because I'm so scared you'll just think I'm a big huge fuck up, and I don't want you to see that. I want you to see me as vibrant and happy and capable. What I'm most scared of it that if you see me the way I am now, truly see what's going on in my head, you won't want to pursue something bigger with me. You'll think that I'm not capable of being a wife or a mother and that really.. really scares me.

But anyway.. I talked to my mom about going to the psychiatrist, and since she's always been the one to say "You're fine! Nothing's wrong with you! Ladeedaadaa!", I thought it would be hard to convince her that this is something I might really need. But.. I guess a couple of years with Stan will do the trick, because she wants me to go and see what we can do with this. And I just wanted you to know.. things are just so weird inside my head right now, and I want to take care of it before it does get worse, before I do become a wife and a mother and all those fun kinds of things.

I do realize that this is probably freaking you out and if I didn't sit down and write it, things would be happy and good. And I do realize that you are happier than you've been in a long time, and I admire that about you. I wish I could say that, too. But I just wanted you to know. When I first came to Austin, everyone thought my depression was associated with being bitter at various things, but those various things are no longer issues and it's still here, and it's queer, and I don't know if it's going away any time soon.

I'm going home this weekend, mainly because I miss my mommy and I want to meet her horsie. I don't know if you're going to want to see me. It's not like I'm not capable of holding myself together.. I definitely am. But I know you have your thing going on and I don't want to interfere with that. And I know you have lots of people to go with you to the game on Friday and you probably don't want your psycho significant other to go along too. It's cool. I just don't know how you're going to react to this email. I'll feel bad if I freak you out, but this is the truth. I have my good days and my bad days, and this was definitely a bad one.

The only thing I can compare it to is when you were going through your sad times in January and February, and you kept saying that everything looks good on paper, but you just don't feel that way. I feel that way right now. And I think that maybe medication is the best way to go.

I'm so afraid that this is going to make you want to run far far away, far from the psycho girl. I wouldn't blame you if you did, but I just hope you don't. I'm going to get through this. I'm going to kick some ass.

Okay, I'll shut up now. I just wanted to get that out, and let you know what's going on. Have a good night and stuff. Muah!