Other than the greatest dinner of all time last night (Donna made her yorkshire pudding for me..mmm.. and gravy and mashed potatoes and beef tenderloin and asparagus.. holy god, I savored every single bite of that shiznit) and having 4 dogs at my disposal all weekend (Charlie slept with me both nights.. I can't tell you how happy it makes me to sleep with my little boy like that), it just sucked. Sucked ass.

My dad was being a butthead the entire time. Donna was not helping. Donna's 3 year old son would not shut the fuck up. My fake aunt, who is 82, made me a grilled cheese because that's like.. her most prized possession in life, making me a grilled cheese whenever she babysat me during childhood. It was okay. She put way too much butter on it, though. My car that I left at Donna's has hail damage. And I went to the mall and got even more depressed because really, have you ever taken a good look at the mall and how seriously screwed up it is? Going to the mall when depressed is never a good idea, I've decided. Also, I felt like I should have been applying to every store there, even if it is 3 1/2 hours from Austin. Reflexes, I suppose.

I'm at my mom's. My mom's is so nice.. so carefree and lovely and non-stressful. At least my mom and stepdad actually get along.. that's refreshing. The only fight I've ever seen them have is when we ordered pizza and it had mushrooms on it. My stepdad is evidently not a fan of mushrooms.

I'm really not looking forward to going home tomorrow, although I know I absolutely have to. I just have to avoid that "1:30 on Monday" depression tomorrow, because the last time was really bad. I'll talk more about the 1:30 depression tomorrow or something, because it's just really interesting to me, the way I feel at different times during the day.

Matt stopped texting me at 5 yesterday, leaving me to stare in awed confusion at my phone ever since. I try turning it off so I don't have to hear it not ring or tell me I have a message, but that lasts for only minutes at a time because I have no will power. I IMed him last night, he was online the entire time I was, from 8:30 to 12:00, to say I hope he was staying safe from the big storm, and his only reply was "I am." That's all. You'd think he might have wanted to have a conversation or something, but that was the whole thing. I figured maybe he was mad or something, and then I rigged up the fantasy that his girlfriend stood him up again and that's why he was grumpy and any second now he'd text or IM me out of nowhere and say "Come over right now, I have a surprise for you."

I swear, these fantasies are going to ruin me.

*sigh*

It's time to try something new here. I don't know what to try, but something has to change. This funk is really stupid, really pointless, and really has to end. I'm tired of it, and I'm pretty sure everyone around me is tired of it, too. If I was happy.. if I acted like I was happy, if I talked about being happy, wouldn't that be an asset? Wouldn't people like me more, want to hang out with me, because my happiness is infectious?

I want to be happy. I want to look back at this period of my life and think to myself, "Thank fucking God I don't feel that way anymore." I can't take much more of this.. I have to do something. I would say something drastic, but how much more drastic can I get than moving 200 miles away? That's pretty damn drastic.

I don't know. I'm tired of this. I want Matt so bad, and he's idle right now on a Sunday at 6:30. I wish I was idle. I wish I was out with friends, having a good time on a Sunday night. Or maybe he's out with his girlfriend, having dinner, giggling together about life in general. Whatever it is.. I'm jealous. I'm jealous that after ending a 5 year relationship, he can be so free and easy. He can be without me and still be happy. I WANT that. I have to have that. What's his secret, damnit?

That text message that he sent me.. "Yes, I do wish.. everyday I wish." It just fucked me over. Why would he say that? Why does he fuck with my brain like that? GUHHH!!!

In other news, I saw What a Girl Wants today pretty much only because of Colin Firth. He's purty.

*****

What was Liz doing a year ago?

Bragging about getting it on with Matt 3 times in 12 hours. Bitch.