baby maybe someday
May 15, 2004 The one with Christian Slater.

I'm not really like that, except when I am.

I have decided that tonight I will be watching Pump Up the Volume for my viewing pleasure. Pump Up the Volume was about censorship and the FCC before censorship and the FCC was cool, yeah baby yeah. I loved it whe I was 11 even though I hardly understood what was going on. I mean, Happy Harry Hard On? WTF?

It also started my hardcore fascination with one Mr. Christian Slater. If you think my Axl thing is bad, you should have seen me, 11 years old, obsessing over Christian Slater. Wow. He hasn't aged well, though. I can't really say that I see the appeal anymore.

Anyway. I hate that the whole world is having more fun than me. For example, my roomate. I just returned from seeing Super Size Me, by myself of course, to see her and her boyfriend leaving to have drinks at a trendy little Dallas hotspot. At midnight. I just can't comprehend leaving at midnight to have drinks! I mean, how cool is that? I am jealous. And she's 2 years younger than me. Not to mention the fact that in the past couple of weeks, her boyfriend has gone from King Asshole to Prince Charming. I can't relate.

I know I bitch about it a lot, but I don't really know how to change it. I need a new boyfriend, is what I need. I wish I could turn Matt into Dream Boy, but I fear we're way past that point by now. I need someone new who can renew my confidence and introduce me to new people and give me new experiences.

JAM ME JACK ME PUSH ME PULL ME TALK HARD.

Urm, anyway.

Matt used to be like that. But now our experiences are limited to 10 minutes of sexual gratification, a pat on the back every now and then, and hours upon hours of TIVO.

And the simple truth is.. in the past 6 years, it's not like I've had offers pouring in for other companionship. At least other people get hit on when they have boyfriends. There were a few people (like, two) every now and then that expressed a little bit of interest, but I ran them away because I wasn't ready. There was a situation in Austin that presented itself, but I totally freaked out. I am, as usual, sabotaging myself. And I don't come across as approachable at all and when new people talk to me, I get scared and give short answers. I need friends to help remedy this problem.

I want to lose weight before I actively look for another man, because I don't want to go on Match.com and have to fill out the questions that ask about weight and fill out that gigantic number or something. But I want to find a job so that I can focus on losing weight. But maybe I can't get a job until I lose weight. And I can't find a guy until I get a job and lose weight, but maybe I can't get a job and lose weight until I get a guy. It's a cylce, and top three issues in my life are there: Friends, Job, Weight. If I get those three things under control, I will be a happy woman.

It's weird that all my self-esteem is coming from how I feel about my job situation.

Also, Super Size Me rocked. If that movie doesn't make me go on a diet, I just don't know what will. And also, the couple next to me were those kinds of people that couldn't release themselves from each other's grasp the whole duration of the movie. If they could have shared the seat, they would have. He mostly had his arm around her the entire time, and he was like stroking it and grasping it and they were kissing a lot and it was just ANNOYING! I seriously felt like punching both of them in the stomach. And maybe it was partially because I want something like that, but I think it's mostly because it was so gross. I mean, let the woman breath! Lordy.

I've been trying to download a song from Pump Up the Volume for 2 weeks now, and finally I got it today. Why Can't I Fall In Love, by Ivan Neville. Total Greatness.

Meanwhile, eat your cereal with a fork and do your homework in the dark.

Also, so be it.

back & forth random
recently...

So be it! My last entry ever. - November 16, 2004
701 - October 17, 2004
Buh bye: An Austinliz thesis - October 03, 2004
war of the roses - October 01, 2004
fucking debate! - September 30, 2004