baby maybe someday
2003-01-06 Curling up in a ball? Not an option

I have 7,000 things I need to be doing today, and what am I doing?

Subj: Neener.

Date: 1/6/2003 2:17:03 PM Central Standard Time

From: Me

To: Matt

There's something I would like to get off my chest. I know.. it's another one of those sappy letters that you're probably used to by now, but I feel like I have to say this..

Maybe it's that whole "My diet is unsuccesful because I didn't lose 50 pounds the first week" mentality, and maybe I'm just being too hard on myself.. hell, I've only lived here for 4 days and everything, but I just feel like.. I feel like I'm thinking about you too much.

I miss you so much. Today has been an on and off tear festival because I can't stop thinking about you and missing you and crap. I couldn't sleep last night because I was thinking about you, and about how I wanted you so fucking bad I couldn't stand it. Seriously.. I could not sleep because all I could think about was you coming over so we could do naughty things. I miss that.. I think about what it would feel like to kiss you again ALL THE TIME. Not just because I'm outrageously horny, because I am, but because I liked kissing you.. I liked touching you.. I liked making you feel something. And that can't be good for me.. I don't even know if I'm ever going to have a chance with you again. I'd like to think that after 7 months or 14 months or however long I'm here, I can go back and you'd be waiting for me with open arms, but why would you be? It's not like you're gonna stop your life down when I get back just for my sake.

And that's a dangerous way to think. I kept promising myself that Austin is not going to be about you. I kept promising myself that as soon as I get here, something magical is going to happen and I'm going to forget about how much I miss you. And that's just not happening. I probably miss you more, even. When you're idle, I stare obsessively at that little yellow notepad and think to myself, "Why is he idle? Where is he? Is he with her? What are they doing?" And I can't do that. I can't.. do that. I have to pull myself together and start working on my life that doesn't have you in it.

I want you so bad.. I want everything about you. I want your strength, I want your body, I want your words.. all of it means so much to me. I would do anything just to have you talk to me, and I don't even care if it's empty words, your approval just means so much to me. And that's what I'm trying to escape.

So I'm just thinking that maybe I shouldn't talk to you for a few days, just while I get my shit together, and spend some time by myself, thinking about how to get my life back together. Thinking about a job, thinking about making friends, thinking about losing weight. I love you so much, and I miss you so much, and while I love being friends with you and while I appreciate the things you've done for me, I feel like I can't handle talking to you about normal everyday things when all I want for you to do is come here and kiss me and forget all about your perfect little girlfriend. It worries me that she hasn't told her parents about you yet.. it makes me feel like she's waiting for the perfect time so that you can meet them and then you can run off and get married.

It hurts. It hurts so bad right now. I thought I was over the crying stage, but I'm obviously not. I thought I was going to be okay once I moved here.. that I didn't need to talk to you to feel special. But all I did was change the setting. I feel so weak, and stupid. I'm so insecure.. I feel like I'm never going to find anyone that I love half as much as you.

Please reply to this, even if it's to only say "Umm, I don't know what to say." I'm sorry I sent you another one of these friggin terrible letters, but I was just sitting in traffic today aching to talk to you, aching to share my life with you. I know I have to spend a few days without you, getting everything in order.

Blah. I'll shut up now. I love you.. and just know that even if you're having a rough day, there's always going to be someone out there who thinks the most of you, who thinks that you are the strongest person they've ever met, that you are using your potential everyday even when it hurts you. I respect you, and I always will, and I will stop blabbering now.

*****

What is wrong with me? I feel like curling up in a ball and sobbing, but there's things I need to do that won't allow that.

I miss him. I miss him so much.

back & forth random
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