I am terrified. Right now I am reasonably happy. I have to find a job, sure. But for the most part, I haven't allowed myself to sink into that depression that I experienced only 4 short months ago.

I don't know, maybe every month in Austin is like a dog month, 1 month equals 7 months. Every month is a new dimension, a new learning experience. Every month is a chance to move on and grow, and I've done 7 months of growing and moving on, except I haven't moved on a whole lot and I still have a lot of growing to do. I brought this whole thing up to the depression support group, where I have been going since the very depths of my depression were occuring, and they all said that they have seen a lot of growth in me. The leader of the group even said she saw a lot of "spiritual" growth in me, even though I don't see that at all. If any thing, I'm further away from God than when I started.

What I'm really wondering is why I am not falling apart. I haven't cried since Friday night, ever since I was in Matt's arms and we had a long talk about everything I needed to do. If the only reason that I'm not falling apart is because I have Matt in my life right now, that scares me. I mean, everything is really cool between us right now. We had an awesome weekend. He called me earlier today to tell me that he was thinking about me and he missed me. That's all good. But I don't want to depend on that. It makes me feel a little unstable.

Things just feel different this time around. I used to stare at the clock and will the time to go by faster. I'd watch as the minute changed and thanked God that it was one minute closer to when I was able to go to bed. I'd do that. I'd do it a lot. I'd go out of my apartment and try to find something to do for hours just so I could say that I did something. Just so I could silently prove to Matt that just because I didn't have a job, that didn't mean I didn't have a social life.

Things are different. I feel good. I really have no idea what I'm going to do about the job thing. I can't go out there, day after day, looking for a retail job. Obviously I'm just not meant to have retail job or at least one of the hundreds of places I applied to would have called back. I have to put my balls out there. I have to take risks. But I feel like I can do that this time. I feel like I have confidence.

What is that, though? I just don't understand, and I feel stupid for even questioning it. Why am I questioning the fact that I don't feel worse about my situation? It's good that I'm not depressed. It's good that I'm not dreading the days and weeks and months ahead of me. It's good that I'm not watching the clock, feeling every second of the day. So why am I questioning it?

I am just terrified. From January to about the beginning of June, I was stuck in the most horrible depression I have ever felt in my lifetime. I don't want to live like that again, and I'm trying to avoid it at any cost. This time around I have Matt, I have friends, I have all the little techniques that I set up for myself the first time around to get through the jobless day. I will get through this. I just hope and pray that I will get through it without falling apart.

I still wonder about the whole getting fired on the day I was supposed to go back to Dallas thing. I do want to go back, so so so much. I would so love to go back like.. next week. I would love to move into a little apartment in North Dallas and go to Matt's a couple of nights a week to cook dinner and go to high school football games with him in the fall and do my own thing with my own friends and see my family every week. But that's not what I need right now. I need to grow. I need to become the person I know that I want to be, and I can't do that if I have all my usual safety nets to fall back on.

Anyway. I'm glad I got that out of me.

The point is, no more depression. For some reason, I'm not depressed. I'm somewhat confident. I think I can do this. I will do this. Because I have no other choice.

In other news, I think Matt is going to Vegas this weekend. I am trying not to be unbearably jealous as we have always gone to Vegas together, but he's going with his best friend and his best friend's family. And seeing that I am unemployed with no foreseeable income other than the check I receive on Friday, that's probably not the best plan for me. But I am so jealous. I hate being jealous of him. He works hard. He's incredibly lazy, but he also works extremely hard while he's being lazy. If that makes sense. My point is that he earns all the good stuff that comes his way, whereas I just kinda fart around and whine about it and sometimes I can get what I want, too.

Anyway. I am currently winning Scrabble by 9 points.

And now I will go to bed.

*****

Okay, someone please tell me what my computer's problem is. It won't paste anymore! I can copy, but I can't paste. Ctrl V doesn't work, even going up to edit won't work because paste isn't selected. What the hell is up with that? I want to do the whole What was Liz doing a year ago shiznit, but it won't paste! WHY? WHY WHY WHY! If you solve this problem for me I'll mail you a blow pop. A super Blow Pop, at that.

*****

Good night.