I'm trying not to think about the fact that I've accomplished nothing in the 3 weeks I've been here. That's not exactly true.. I do have an appointment with a temp agency in a few hours, and I have lost a few pounds, and I really seem to know my way around Austin pretty well at this point. I could have been a lot more productive up to this point, but that's okay. I have another 6 months, or 1 year perhaps, to find some way of making something of myself. Rock on.

Something I'd like to discuss today is dissapointment. I really get dissapointed easily, and that's been one of my traits forever. I started to notice it more with Josh. Josh and I started "going out" before we even met, and for like a month, I'd get so mad when I thought we could see each other but then it turns out one of us couldn't make it. I'd get SO MAD! Like crazy angry crying mad. And now I'm feeling that with Matt.

It was probably me who brought it up, but it was him who didn't exactly say yes or no to coming to Austin this weekend. Like I've said, his woman is not going to be able to see him this weekend so I thought it might cheer him up to travel a little, come see me, let me cook for him and just generally have good times. He said he'd think about it.

Later, when I kinda pushed him to make a decision on it, he got weird and was all like, "I don't want to come there and you be all weird and then I'll have to leave." I understand that. I can be weird about things sometimes. But I've somehow gotten it in my head that he's coming here and I'm all excited and I know he's probably not going to come and that just really dissapoints me. I want to see him. I want to hang out with him and let it not be weird. It is possible, isn't it? To not be weird?

I know he's close to making a decision because he'd come tomorrow, and I know that decision is probably going to be no, and I'm almost okay with that, but I know that it'll hurt when he says no.

I don't know why I had to go into that lengthy explanation, but that's the big thing on my mind today. That, and the porn that I just rented. Is renting porn white trash? If it is, I'm all about being white trash.

Also, I saw Claire Danes on Conan last night. I really truly love her. He asked her about MSCL right away, and that's funny, cuz it was like 8 years ago. But I love her! She's in Terminator 3 and that rocks! I want to be Claire Danes. Thank you.

Anyway.. I have to get ready for some temp agency love. Have good times, my sisters and brothers.

*****

What was Liz doing a year ago?

"Sometimes I'm really thankful for BB, I really am. I listen to Jeep Girl talk about this horror of a boyfriend she has, and I'm like.. Thank God. Thank God I have a boyfriend who doesn't care that I've gained 50 pounds in the 4 years that I've been with him. Thank God I don't have a boyfriend that as soon as I get him off, he turns over and watches MTV without even caring to see that I get attended to. Anyway. I just thought I'd share that."

Blah.

and...

"I wish BB lived closer to me. One of the girls in my group said she'd just go home and use her boyfriend's computer.. that just got me thinking. I wish I could just go to BB's after school and hang out and sleep and play and stuff.. that would be so nifty. Instead, I only get to see him 2 days a week. That makes me sad!"