I had issues with sleeping last night. Gee, I wonder why.

It drives me crazy that he said that. What's the deal with his girlfriend? Why is he telling me these things? Damnit.. just when I feel like I have a little momentum, I have to go and screw it all up by talking to him.

I want to talk a minute about getting back together with him. I know it's just a fantasy right now, but I just want to talk about it, get it out of my system.

I would seriously cry. I would be so freaktastically happy that he's back in my life the way I want him.. it would be like.. so nice. Right now I'm depressed because I won't get to go to football games with him in the fall, but what if I do get to go with him? What if I do get to go home with him and fall asleep with him and then wake him up the next day with a blowjob?

What if he does eventually propose to me? How will he do it? Would we really get married at the farm, or would that not be practical?

Oh lordy.. this is dangerous. Very dangerous.

But just think about it... him coming here, sleeping with me in my bed, hanging out in Austin with me... and then me coming there, hanging out at his house, sleeping in his bed, cooking for him, chatting with his roommate..

It would be so nice. And it would take SO MUCH work. My family has seen me at my very worst for the past 6 months, and I know it would be hard at first to get them to accept him again. But I want to work.. I want to make that happen.

You know what today is? It's my halfway point. 3 1/2 months here, 3 1/2 months left. And I'm tempted to say look at me, I haven't changed at all! I still have no job and I'm obsessing over Matt and his empty words that he obviously has no idea what an impact they'd make on me.

But I have changed, I know I have. I have lived through the most ecquisite (I know I butchered that word, my apologies) pain of my life. Like I've said before.. this pain is almost beautiful. The hopelessness, the crazy insane feelings of loss.. it's almost beautiful, and I appreciate having to feel it. I know I have more of it to sit through.. especially if Matt keeps up this whole thing he's bringing, and then he bails and once again finds what he wants in his girlfriend.

And I have people to hang out with now! The Depression Support Group has been so great for me.. and everyone at church is so nice and accomodating. Thank God for church.

But if we got back together.. we could take road trips again. We could flirt again, we could KISS again. We could be with each other and have feelings that aren't forbidden. We could work on our problems and OVERCOME them.

I would cry. I would seriously cry from happiness.

I need something else to think about. Don't sign my guestbook and tell me how delusional I am.. I'm perfectly aware of how dangerous I'm being right now. But a girl can dream, can't she?

*****

In other news.. I am really upset that I have to wait 3 months for Bad Boys 2 to come out. I LOVE Bad Boys! That is like.. one of my favorite movies. Will Smith cracks my shit up.

I just thought I'd share that.