First of all, here's some fun 4th of July facts:

6 years ago on the 4th, my family finally got pissed off with my relationship with Josh and made me break up with him. This entailed not answering the phone when he called, basically, which was every waking moment of the day. Then my mom sent me off to Austin with my brother for a week so I'd have to get away from him. For more on this story and what 4th of July means to me, see this entry. And it's sad, but I still think of fireworks in the same way - red for the blood I shed when I lost my virginity to him, white for the innocence he stole from me, blue for the bruises he gave me. I know that's the cheesiest thing in the world, but when you get out of an abusive relationship, you're thankful for the little things.

Also, this was the first 4th in a lot of years that I didn't have to study for a final exam in summer school. For some reason, my school always thought it was a great idea to have finals the day after the 4th. So I was very happy about that. And I still got paid for the day! Woohoo.

Also, it was the first time in 5 different 4th of Julys that I didn't watch fireworks with Matt. But that's okay. Cuz I got to spend part of the day with him instead. We watched Boston Public (Verne Troyer is so cute!) and had fajitas at El Fenix. He managed to stay off the computer the whole entire time I was there and sat on the bed with me the whole time. On Thursday night, we watched a show on the Discovery Channel about building a bridge from Alaska to Russia. It was really good stuff! Seriously! We're dorks.

I do just want to say that I was so happy to be at his house. I had originally planned back in May or June to see him while I was here this weekend, but just lunch or something, and begrudingly on his part. But things have changed. And spending the night at his house is just so huge, it's hard to really get across how huge it is. I had a really great time. I love him. So much. But we all know that.

So my family! My dad and my almost step mom and my almost stepbrother went to the rich people country club last night and had a good time in general. Donna is really quite nifty. She is only 12 years older than me, after all. But there's something about her that just sucks the information right out of me. I want to tell her everything about my entire life, and that's annoying, because she tends to have a big mouth. But there's just something about her, and I just can't help myself!

Oh, and yeah. I got drunk. Let's all say this together - 3 Margaritas = Drunk Elizabeth. It's an obvious equation. I didn't get Graduation Night drunk, but I was out there, let me tell yeah. It was good times.

The fireworks were absolutely awesome. The greatest I've ever seen, probably. And it was so cool because it was with my family and we had a really good time together.

Thursday night and all of yesterday were just really great. I am happy with all of it. And I'm trying to extend this good time by trying to charm my way into getting some shopping money from my dad. He said we'll talk about it.

And I might get to see Matt again this weekend, it's up to him. I do definitely get to see him in 2 weeks when we go to College Station. College Station = hotel loving = woohoo!

Oh yeah, and somehow Donna and my dad know about Matt being back in my life. I don't know how they know. But I knew she knew when she asked me if I had just gotten in yesterday and when I said yes, she had a look on her face that said she totally knew I was lying. I wanted to keep him a secret, but it looks like that's just not going to happen.

Damn.

*****

In other news:Man, you guys are mean!

To April: Thanks, dear. I didn't know that you knew my relationship so intimately to comment so completely thoroughly on it. He does talk about marriage and kids and the future.. a lot. I'm not exactly "giving him the cow" because like.. he's not getting it from anywhere else, he's not looking for a relationship from anyone else, and that's the facts, okkkaayyy? I know your intentions are pure, Ms. April, but I'd really rather not have your commentary. Thanks.

So let me explain this to you guys again. Maybe I just haven't done it well enough in the past.

We are not together together right now because we have issues. We broke up for a reason. True, that reason was mostly The Girl, but we also had some big time stuff to work through. We were so comfortable with each other that we never bothered to question what was going on. We never bothered to question why we never had anything to talk about at dinner, or why we never went out and hung out with our friends together.. all that kind of stuff.

Instead of launching ourselves full force into another relationship, we want to explore why these things happened and what we can do to fix it. Yes, I agree... if he really wanted this, he'd just do it. I understand that. But I also understand the need to be together and have all the components work. Because if we don't work on it now, we'll just always be broken. And I don't want that. So we'll probably take what's left of my stay in Austin (7 months) and see if we can get this thing back on track.

And I have no plans of giving up the nookie. I just don't. It's too good. Sorry!

And something else I'd like to add here.. I have never had to worry about him desiring me or thinking that I'm beautiful. Sometimes I'll wonder what I should wear to wherever I'm going to meet him, and then I think, "It doesn't matter, he's still going to think you're hot anyway." And it's true! He always compliments me, always makes me feel like I'm a sexy bitch, always makes me feel like I'm hotter than everyone else in the whole world, and I'm sorry, but I dig that. No other guy has made me feel like that, especially Josh.. he would point out all the areas on my body that were fat or hairy or whatever. That was not fun times.

Anyway. My point is that we have a lot of stuff to fix, and we're going to fix it together. I have to work on making him feel like I wouldn't do anything in the world for him. I also have to work on gaining lots of confidence so that that's actually true. I have to work on focusing on the future instead of the past, which is why I'm going to stay away from MyMichele for at least a month or two. We talked yesterday about how I'm really bad about that.. I spend so much time obsessing over the past that sometimes I just really don't plan for the future. And that's true. Very true.

He has to work on a lot of stuff, as well. Like wanting to have me interact with his friends. And a lot of other stuff that I won't go into because we all know and yeah.

You know what? I'm tired of defending our relationship. I've had to do it for almost 6 fucking years. I seriously almost lost some friends in the beginning because they didn't think he was right for me. I love him, I want him in my life, I think he's the bee's knees, and that's what I want. So I'm just not going to defend it anymore. I'm not. It's your problem if you don't accept what I want from my life.

So there.

Damn, this was a long entry. I guess time flies when you're trying to defend your sexual relationship with your cheating ex boyfriend.