baby maybe someday
2003-04-08 Desperation is not a pretty perfume.

I felt like I should update during one of these times that I'm falling apart, where I can't stop crying, where I feel like there's absolutely no hope in the world for anything.

There is no one I can talk to right now.. I wish there was somebody, anybody... I can't call my mom because she's at work and she doesn't want to deal with my shit anymore anyway, I would imagine. I don't have any girlfriends to call.. Matt is asleep or at school or something.. I hate this feeling. I've had this feeling probably a dozen times since November, and it's the most miserable feeling in the world.

The interview at the restaurant went really bad. It only lasted 10 minutes and I can tell I really screwed it up. I didn't have the confidence it takes to answer the questions right. I didn't have the confidence to get the job, to impress her, or anything. I then applied at a few more places before coming home in disgust.

I mean.. what am I supposed to do? I can't find a job. I think it's because they smell the desperation on me and they don't want that in their workplace.

I'm so miserable.. I'm paying the price for all the fake happiness I had in college. I thought it was real.. I thought spending so much time with the man I loved would be worth it, and it probably was.. we have a lifelong bond and friendship that I don't have with anybody else. Here's some of what he had to say about my email -

"I agree with your friends. You really shouldn't probably talk to me in a perfect world. But, it's not them that has feelings. If you were talking to someone like you, you'd tell them not to talk to me too, but when you get emotions involved, it's hard. I really do cherish our conversations.

I hate that he's miserable. It hurts me.. it actually physically hurts me that he's so sad right now. I would give anything to make him feel better, even if it had nothing to do with me.

There's no hope. THe fact that I still feel this way after being here for 3 1/2 months depresses me unlike anything that has ever depressed me before. Why haven't I grown? Why haven't I changed? Why am I not better? Why can't I get past this?

What should I do when I get this way? When it's only 12:15 and there's so much time left during the day.. I have the depression support group later, but that's at 7. What do I do between now and then? I need to look for a job, but that just depresses me more. It's so sunny and I hate it.

This is the 1:30 depression that I was talking about. If I can make it to 1:30 without falling apart, then I'm okay. But it's 12:15, and I woke up crying, so this is just not good. There's so much left of the day.. so many people are being productive and driving Lexus' and thinking about going home to the person they love.. I'm thinking about the 3 months and 23 days that I have left, imprisoned in this brain of mine, imprisoned in this body that I can't stand, imprisoned in this city that I don't want to live in. It's like a jail sentence, except at least you make friends in jail.

What should I do when I get this way? I just have no hope. I want Matt so bad.. I want to be happy so bad.. I am so miserable. I used to be happy.. when I was with him, I was happy. I didn't balance out my life very well, I didn't pay much attention to school or work or my body, and that was wrong. But I was happy. I never, ever had breakdowns like this.

What is wrong with me? Is it the pills I'm taking? Is it my period? Am I just maniac depressive and I don't know it? I can't stand feeling this way anymore. It's taking a toll on me.. it's taking away my spirt. I used to be a happy person. I used to be happy and bubbly and bouncy and cool and people used to like to hang out with me. Now.. now it's just empty. Blank. Nothing.

I'm going to try to get myself together here. I'm going to lie down, and then I'm going to go apply to all the places I've been dreading applying to, like grocery stores and Target and shiznit like that. I have to do something.. I can't do this to myself anymore. And I wrote Matt yet another email pathetically asking him to come here tonight so we could make each other feel better.

It's really crappy to be this low. It's not fun. And I hate it.

back & forth random
recently...

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