You might have been proud of me for the email, but don't be. Because when he got home last night he IMed me and said he hadn't read it, but he will later. And I told him to just delete it. I don't know, but I said, "Just delete the damn thing.. I think I've changed my mind."

He didn't delete it, he read it. And then he read the letter after that that said "Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I should not cut off communications completely, but just tell you when I'm feeling overwhelmed." He responded to that.. the letter I got this morning was really sad, and not at all what I consider desirable. He's miserable too, basically. He said he cries himself to sleep every night. He should be happy with what he has, but he's not.

I'm not strong enough for this. How can I be? It was 5 years of completely giving myself to someone else, and I still want to, and I want to give everything I have to him, but he doesn't want it.

I don't get it. I just don't understand. I'm so confused right now.. I'm so fucking angry and confused and sad and depressed and hurt and there's just nothing that's going to fix this. I have the genuine belief that I could make him happy, that I could make this relationship work. Yes, there were problems, but we can fix those problems. We can come up with a plan, a compromise, something. I just don't understand why we can't do that.

Someday I hope to see this entry and breath a sigh of relief because I was so pathetic, but for now.. this is the bottom line. This is how I am. And there's no escaping it.

I do have an interview at a mexican food restaurant today, though. I feel like I'm going to get this one, she sounded really positive on the phone yesterday. So keep your fingers crossed.. this just might be what I've been looking and hoping for.