I am so craptastically lonely these days. And this is not the same kind of lonely I was in Austin. This isn't the "Oh my god I want Matt back SO BAD and I will not stop until that happens" kind of lonely.

This more like the "Matt and I have been drifting away for quite some time and it's quite possibly time to think about the fact we're never going to be the same as we once were again" kind of lonely. The "I wish I had someone who knows me in and out and who loves me as much as I love him and whom I could spend more than 45 minutes a week with and who would call me or contact me maybe at least once during his weekend roadtrip" kind of lonely.

Guh. It used to be so different. I'm not saying it was good different, because it really wasn't. When I first started this diary, when I was 21, I used to go to Matt's every weekend and spend all my time there. It was accepted. It was what we did, even if we had absolutely nothing to do. I thought that was normal. I thought abandoning all your friends that you have accumulated through the years and spending all your time with your boyfriend was normal. And it's not, and now I'm paying for it. I mean.. I used to say, with pride even, that I was almost living a double life. For 3 and a half days during the week, I'd be at school, doing that. For the next 3 and a half days, I'd be at Matt's, ignorning everything at school.

I used to think I was so much better than everyone because I had a boyfriend and we were together all the time. I didn't go to social events because I had a boyfriend and I didn't need to go. What was wrong with me? What did I think was going to happen? All those people that I thought were so much better than me.. they all are better than me now, with healthy relationships and good jobs, and here I am, wishing I had what they had. Karma, people. It always comes back in the end.

We have not been officially together for a year and a half now, but before, we were together all the time. We had our fights, but we'd get over them. We did everything together. It was us, me and him, and that was it. Nobody else. And while I can see that that wasn't normal, us shutting everyone else out, it was what I did. And now.. it's not like that. And I'm beginning to think that maybe it's just over. OVER. For good.

I still see him, but never on weekends. Just 45 minutes at a time, after work, before he has to go do something or before I have to go home and watch Friends because I don't have TIVO. And that's the only time I ever feel appreciated by him, and that's only because he's groping me and telling me how sexy I am and all that crap. We never make plans for the future. We never do anything else but sit around his room for an hour and MAYBE watch some TIVO.

Congratulations, me. I have somehow turned myself into Matt's completely sexualized object of fun. Good job.

I'm so tired of having to prove myself to him. I am who I am, and I want recognition for that. I'm tired of not being good enough. I WILL lose weight someday because I HAVE to. It's an issue, because he knows how bad I want to and so far I haven't been able to. He wants to see me in a career where I want to be, and where he knows I can do well. Fine, great. But does he have to push me away until I accomplish these goals?

He was once who I wanted to live the rest of my life with, but now I'm not so sure. Now that he's pushed me so far away, I realize I have other options. I can just.. find someone else. It's an interesting concept. One that I'm getting more and more curious about as the days go by. I could find someone else. Someone who wants to spend time with me, someone who compliments me even when I'm not just there to get it on with him. Someone who loves me, someone I can relate to and get along with and just.. be with. It would be nice to have something like that, because I don't, and I haven't for a really long time now.

I heard that Hoobastank song "The Reason" the other day and it almost made me cry because I WANT something like that. I want someone to change thier life around because of me. I'm trying to do that for Matt, but I don't think I should have to anymore. He knows me. He knows what I can offer him and what I will offer him in the future, and he's so apathetic and crappy about it that it just doesn't matter anymore.

I want Matt. I love Matt, I really and truly do. But everyday, more and more, I am letting myself believe that it isn't going to happen. That I'm not going to spend 4th of July with him watching fireworks in Gun Barrel City like he promised last year. I'm not going to go to College Station with him like I have for the past 3 years. I'm not going to go to the Spring football game with him, I'm not going to go to East Texas to see his mom on Mother's Day, and we're not going to Vegas for New Years Eve. And every day, it gets a little easier to accept. And every day, I wait for him to tell me that it's over. And every day, it gets a little easier to anticipate.

And last year, it was so much harder because I was doing everything I could to get him back. I thought I HAD to get him back. And when I did, and when everything was absolutely perfect for approximately 2 months, I was so happy that I got what I wanted. And then it all fell apart again, and a few weeks ago he actually said that while he does wish we could make it work eventually, he doesn't really see that happening. And he's not even really holding on anymore, and maybe I should just stop trying. Wouldn't that be the smart thing to do? Just.stop.trying. Maybe it would be a relief. Maybe it's the answer to my problems. I'm just sooo tired of being alone and doing things by myself... I don't want that anymore.

So, that was dramatic, wasn't it? It's been on my mind. I had to vent.

And lately, I'm really finding myself in a very Guns N Roses-ish place. I am really finding comfort in Axl's voice, maybe just because it's so familiar and stuff. Whatever it is, I'm trying to get me some Axl more often than usual. All is good in the world when Axl is singing with his crazy voice.

I even made my roomate watch a little of the concert DVD with me last night because she's never even heard of them, really. Which makes me sad, but her parents are from El Salvadore and she didn't really grow up in a very GN'R-like household, so I guess I can't blame her.

That's all for now, I guess. I'm hungry and hate the South Beach Diet. And also, I heard "I wanna sex you up" by Color Me Badd on the radio today and it made me giggle.

*****

a year ago...

"Anyway. In another completely different area of my life, it seems that Austin has been overcome by really fucking attractive males. They are like.. all over the place. This morning, I left the apartment to go work out and out on the volleyball court, located directly next to my little corner of the apartment, was filled with young and very attractive specimens. I almost felt like I had walked into a Mentos commercial or something."

2 years ago...

"I watched the Carson Daly talk show tonight with much pleasure. They were in Vegas. At the Hard Rock. At THE JOINT. They were right in front of the stage where Axl stood before me, wishing me a happy new year. Oh yeah, that was some good times."