So, the weekend basically started on Thursday at 2, which was nice. I got in my car and drove my gambling ass to Shreveport, which is about a 3 hour drive. I listened to a CD I burned on the way there with songs that make me want to sing along as loud as I can, so after about an hour of that, I had this weird singing headache. I don't think I'd make it too far on American Idol.

Like the gambling addict I am, I decided to do a little gambling before I checked into my hotel. I went to Boomtown, a lovely casino, and did a little Blackjack. I left 30 minutes later because I broke even, and there was plenty of gambling time left.

My plan was to watch Friends (The Prom Video episode! Yay!) and the Apprentice and then go gamble. Well, I made it through Friends (and almost half a pizza and some breadsticks I felt compelled to order from Papa John's) before I felt The Pull. The Pull that exists whenever me and a casino are within 30 minutes of each other. I can't ignore it; I can only obey. It's a good thing there isn't any casinos in Texas - I'd have to move or something.

Well, I didn't want to go to the casino right away so I didn't look like a total addict. Instead, I drove around Shreveport/Bossier City for 45 minutes looking for a Barnes and Noble or something resembling that. I didn't find one, but thankfully and somewhat mysteriously, the Apprentice was actually on the radio! It was really kinda strange, but I was glad I didn't have to miss it. My God, Omarosa is such a ho! And to think that I wanted her to win. Rawr!

So after I had listened to a good portion of the Apprentice and after I had gotten lost a few times, I ended up at the Isle of Capri, or, as I named it 30 minutes later when I was walking out, the Isle of Crappi. I don't know what it was about this place, but it just gave me the creeps. Maybe it was the high quotient of Drunk White Trash. I don't know.

So I went back to Boomtown, and left that one after about an hour to go to Harrah's. Harrah's is where I.lost.my.ass. It was not pretty. It made me feel like a total addict as I kept going to the ATM machine to get more money. This slot machine called the Enchanted Forest or something to that effect is what really got me. I sat at that damn machine for HOURS.

The even sadder part about that was when I woke up on Friday, I immediately, without haste, went back to Harrah's and went back to that stupid Enchanted Forest, where it proceeded to take even more money from me. The truth is, I couldn't sleep on Thursday night. When there's gambling to be done, sleep is almost impossible. Which is really, really sad, yes. But also true.

So, who gambles at 9:30 in the morning on Good Friday? Well, me, for one. And like, billions of other people. It was almost impossible to get a seat at the blackjack table, but I managed to squeeze in. And lose more money. And more. And a little more after that.

So, after I had pretty much lost as much as I could possibly allow myself to lose, I made the Walk of Shame back to my car and drove my sorry ass home.

The saddest part of this story was that I was actually pondering going back yesterday. On EASTER SUNDAY. I was at my dad's farm and that's only about an hour and a half from Shreveport, and I kept thinking, "If I just go back with like $100, I can win all my money back!" Because, you know, that's how gambling addicts think.

But thankfully my dad foiled my plan by requesting that when I drive home, I let my fake 83-year-old aunt follow me so she didn't get all crazy lost. I could have made some sort of lame excuse to get out of it, like I had to leave early to make it to church, but I'm not even that evil. Knowing me, God would probably want to punish me for gambling when I could have escorted my aunt home by making her plow into an oil tanker or something. So I let her follow me, and everyone was alive.

So, wasn't that a fun story?

Needless to say, I won't be doing much gambling in the future. I stopped buying lottery tickets after my big win, and trips to Shreveport and Vegas are usually few and far between. The only time I can foresee gambling any time soon is when my dad and I do our summer bonding trips to the racetrack to see the horsies race. But that's different. Because he pays.

Hey, go get a review. I'm bored.

In other news..

Usually on Easter we do the whole church thing, but this year my dad had to get my english relatives to the airport. Dude, those people ROCKED. I don't know what it is about the Brits, but I love them. My dad's fiancee Donna is a Brit, and I've always loved her. But these people (my third cousins, I think) were just totally rocktastic. They actually said stuff like "CRIKEY!" and "That's a good man." It was so cute. English people rock.

On Saturday NJ (the caretaker dude of the farm) took me and one of the English dudes out to shoot some guns. Yes, I know, that's so very Texas of us. NJ is the most country dude in the world, so it was fun to hear him and the English dude talk about stuff. They got along famously, though. I think NJ might have been their favorite part of the trip. But anyway, I shout a handgun and some other crazy guns and you know what? It was really quite awesome. I want a gun now. So.. look out!

Also, I guess I could have watched SNL on Saturday, but I didn't want to. Janet Jackson makes me crazy angry. She didn't know her boob was going to come flying out of her clothes? She should just shut the hell up and take responsibility for her actions instead of whispering "I don't want to talk about it anymore, I want to move on!" Yeah, sure, whatever. She alone made the country go insane with all their decency-ness and good people like Howard Stern get the blame. She disgusts me.

After I got home yesterday, it was raining and I was bored and wanted to go shopping. Well, surprise surprise, everything was closed. Wal-Mart was even closed! For such a pagan atheist country, we sure do close everything down for Easter!

But guess what was open? The porn store, of course. But I couldn't bring myself to buy porn on Easter Sunday. I just couldn't.. it just didn't seem right. Although, come to think about it, I did participate in a threesome with my best friend and her boyfriend on Christmas in 1995, so I guess there really isn't much of a difference.

Plus, I have enough porn.

I also went to Barnes and Noble and, since I still have money left from my windfall, I bought seasons 1,2, and 5 of the Friends DVDs. That is to go along with season 4 and 7 that I bought last week. I don't know why I feel I have to own every episode of Friends ever made, but it's a nice diversion and I enjoy the show, and hey, when I'm broke again it'll give me something to sell.

So, now it's Monday. It's the gloomy, rainy April kind of Monday where I'm just all "Blah, I think maybe this morning might be a good time to kill myself." Even one of my bosses, after I asked her if she had a good weekend, muttered "I guess. They're all the same." So that's encouraging.

I apologize for the length of this monstrosity, but like.. that's what I do. So hah.

Seacrest out.

****

What was Liz doing a year ago?

"I just feel like this is HUGE. Like I did on Thursday night when I went to that club. This is big time, people. I'm learning how to have a social life. Of course, it's all from church right now, but where else would I find people? I don't go to school, I don't go to work.. church is totally saving me right now. And I do appreciate that.

I almost feel like I'm in Groundhog Day. Bill Murray couldn't move on until he did all the stuff that he knew he had to do before, but he didn't. And I feel like I'm being productive, making friends, working hard to find a job. Even not talking to Matt for 4 days is pretty impressive, I think."

2 years ago..

"David Letterman is not on! Oh the humanity! I am forced to watch either Jay Leno (who is not funny at all, not one bit. Especially because of the bad joke he made about Club Curves.. "I heard the most popular line in there is "What would you do for a klondike bar." Is that funny? Making fun of fat people? Well, no. No it isn't.) or the Golden Girls. I think my choice is easy here."