Also being the dork I am, I listened to the commentary. Governor Arnold spent at least 15 minutes talking about his naked scene. He went on and on and on about it! He also talked a little about the Terminatrix's breasts. That was good times.

I would go into a diatribe about Nick Stahl here, but I won't. Aren't you glad?

Speaking of pop culture, I've become a bit enamored with MTV's Room Raiders. I like to guess which person they're going to pick once they've seen all three rooms. I'm good at that. It's good stuff.

Anyway.

I'm starting to find that when I'm totally focused on one aspect of my life, when I totally get obsessed with something and worry about it and let it consume me (which is pretty much all the time, let's just be honest), my entries start to suffer. And I think right now, at this point in my life, this is what is happening. My entries are starting to suck a bit of ass. They aren't interesting anymore. They aren't illiciting reader response like they used to.

What aspect of my life am I obsessing over as of late? That would of course be my weight. Again. It's seriously getting scary as to how focused I am on this problem of mine, yet I don't really work hard enough to fix it. I keep telling myself that I'm not depressed anymore, but if that was true, I don't think my weight would be such a big problem. My psychologist said that we look on the outside how we feel on the inside. If this truly were the case, I feel like a big fat loser on the inside.

I weighed myself today for the first time in a while, and I was pretty shocked to see those numbers. I'm almost back to the weight I came to Austin with. That means I've gained about 15 pounds in 3 or 4 months. This bothers me in many different ways. All those sessions with Kyle the Personal Trainer back in February? They mean nothing now. All that hard work I put into losing weight in the past, it means nothing because I can't do it. I can't stop fixating on food.

I still go to Taco Cabana instead of Subway, the much healthier alternative. I did that today, and to celebrate my gluttony, I proceeded to empty the contents of my stomach into the toilet via sticking a finger down my throat. I did that today, and I did it yesterday. I did it a few weeks ago. I did it a lot during the month of August.

My past issues with buliemia have been well documented. I've only done it a few times, and I don't consider it a problem. But I mean.. it is a problem. It's not good that I'm resorting to this unhealthy means of getting rid of my food instead of actually going the distance to eat good food, food that will actually benefit me in the long run.

I started the whole buliemia thing a year and a half ago when Matt and I both went on a diet. He ended up losing about 120 pounds and I only lost about 20. Since we love to compete against each other, I felt like this was just another competition. And when I was losing the competition in a bad way, I started taking desperate measures. But I did it 6 times, and then didn't do it again for a year. I probably did it about another 6 times during August, and a few more times since then. And yet I still don't consider it a problem yet because it's not something I NEED to do to be happy or whatever. And it doesn't even help my weight situation at all. It just makes me feel better about eating total crap.

I don't know how to stop a pattern that I've been in for the whole duration of my life. I've never been a healthy eater. When I've lost weight in the past, it was really due to working out. Seeing a psychologist didn't work. Something inside me needs to change. I have to decide to do this, because if I don't, it's going to continue for the rest of my life and I really, really don't want that. I want to learn how to like to eat healthy. I don't want Taco Cabana to run my life.

So yeah. That's my monthly fixation right now. I'm so consumed by this right now, and add to that the fact that I'm not working again until Saturday, that I probably couldn't possibly write anything interesting about anything else. So, yeah. Rock on.

I suck. I feel like I might want to take a hiatus for a while. I might. But I probably won't. We'll see. I'm just saying, don't be surprised if I don't write for a day or two. But you know me. This diary is kind of like my lifeline sometimes. Sad, but true.

Also, in Nano, I'm almost to 20,000 words. I wrote a lot today. But last year at this date, I was up to 27,000 words. I'm jealous of myself last year. But not really, because you know.. that whole pesky break-up thing and everything.

I'm out.

*****

a year ago...

"Okay, so I'm having relationship bitterness right now, as we all know. I'm having major issues with something, though, and that is the whole "I'm going to check my email every hour when I'm supposed to be sleeping just to see if he writes me an email" thing. It's not just that.. when I'm online, writing my story or whatever, and I see that he's online, I keep waiting for him to IM me and say something. To say ANYTHING! Like, "Hello, come get your stuff so you can be out of my life" would almost be sufficient. This is really pathetic."

2 years ago..

"Ooh, my roommate just left to take a shower, that means me and Big Purple Vibrator can spend some quality time. BB and I haven't had nookified activities for 2 weeks, for some unknown reason, so yeah. Um, bye. Giggle."