I would like to tell you about my love for Christopher Pike. When I was 12 years old, he was like God to me. I read every single one of his books, all the damn time. The first real fiction-y story I ever wrote was inspired by him. I'd say that he and Ann M. Martin are the two people that inspired me to be a writer, period. Ann M. Martin is totally my hero. I do love me some Baby Sitters Club.

Also, NEW Six Feet Under tonight! There's only one episode left after this one! And I can't watch it next Sunday because I'm going to be busy trying to be the perfect daughter at my dad's farm party!

But I don't really mind.. my mom is actually coming too, and to have both my parents in the same area is like a once a year kind of thing, so I'm going to enjoy it while I can. Being a child of divorce rocks!

Anyway. I went to church this morning, as is the American religious ritual. I actually paid attention instead of fluttering off to my own self absorbed world of pornography, Matt, and getting a job. The message that I got from it was "What do you expect?" The subject was Unrealistic Expectations, and yeah, it applied to me.

"What did you expect?" I have a few big problems in my life. Let me make a list.

1. I'm 45 pounds overweight.

2. I can't seem to get over my ex-boyfriend.

3. I have no job.

What did I expect?

1. The second I met Matt, it was all over with in terms of eating. He was about 150-200 pounds overweight, and he ate like it. So, I began to eat like that too. The first time we ate a meal together, it was the biggest most gigantic pizza in the whole world. Like, 18 pieces. And I ate half.. 9 pieces of pizza. I was a little 17 year old girl eating these huge quanties of food. What did I expect? Now I have stretch marks, my polycystic ovaries have gotten out of control, my stomach is huge, and I really love cheese. What did I expect? To stay skinny after eating donuts for breakfast every morning? To stay skinny after eating massive quantities of Mexican food with a person who was so giganticly overweight?

He's lost like 150 pounds by cutting his calories in half and basically denying himself of his favorite things. He said he was "paying for his sins" by not eating the things he wanted to anymore. It paid off. He looks good. Well, as far as I know.. I haven't even seen him for 2 months.

And now, my body does look better because I work out everyday, but what I've learned in the past 4 months is that working out doesn't help you lose weight. You have to stop eating crap to lose weight. Once I figure that out and actually apply it to my life, I will be a happy woman.

Oh well, at least I can wear shorts without cowering in fear. That's a plus.

2. What did I expect? He gave me so many chances, over and over and over again. He'd be an asshole about it, he'd be understanding about it, he'd be apathetic about it. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it wouldn't. Every time I would go back to being the lazy, selfish bitch that I also seemed to be.

We fought about money, and that was a genuine argument about my life. I can't manage my money for shit. If I could, I would still have money left over from my dad's graduation present. I never learned how to manage it, and it was a cause of constant arguement. He never understood how he, a guy who grew up in a trailer and could only go to college if he got loans and a scholarship, always had money when I, who grew up in a wealthyish part of North Dallas and had everything paid for, plus an allowance each month, always seemed to be running out. It was a good question, and it was a big cause of contention between us.

And there was all the other issues. I didn't make friends. I hardly tried to make friends. That made me a pretty boring person. Right now, I try to find something to do everyday that involves some kind of group-activity. During the week, I do a pretty decent job at that. I go to church a lot, I call friends ever so often.. I actually have things to talk about now. But at dinner, when we had already talked about our week and what we were doing next week, that was it. Nothing left to say. Nothing interesting in my life that I could share with him. That was a big problem.

And the weight thing.. that got in the way because I made it get in the way. I could have lost weight, I could have made an effort, and I never did. I could have cared about the way I looked and then he could have cared about the way I looked, and then maybe we would have gotten out more and done more stuff instead of sat home, him chatting on IRC, me reviewing diaries.

What did I expect?

I should have expected him dumping my ass, that's what I should have expected. So he got tired of sitting at home, hearing the same stories over and over, frustrated because we both could have changed the things that we both new were poisoning our relationship. At least he did something about it. At least he got off his ass, said "Hey, something is wrong here," and did something about it. Yes, it hurts. Yes, it sucks. And yes, I miss him. But I know why he did it. I understand why. I just wish things could have been different, but they weren't. We all have to pay for our mistakes. That's just what life is. But the best part about that is we get to make up for it. Not the way we originally hoped for, but in a much better, healthier way.

I know that sorta sounds like hokey bullshit, but that's just the truth. You come out of things and you go on to better things, and if things aren't better, you make them better. At least that's what I'm trying to tell myself.

3. What did I expect when I refused to get any kind of job in college? No internships, no study abroads, nothing. I remember sitting in my classes, thinking "I'm special. I'm going to get lucky with something when I graduate. Somebody is going to see how talented I am and hire me right away." Why did I think that? Why did I think that when my other peers were getting jobs and internships and crap, and I was doing nothing?

Everything in my life, I did to myself. I grew up with the right kind of support, both emotionally and financially. I could have done so much by now, but instead I'm just a boring person. My friend Pam went all around the world a few years ago. She ran out of money in Rome, and then had to illegally teach english in Taiwan just to earn money to get home. That's interesting! That's what people want to hear. I have nothing interesting, nothing that stands out about me. And the thing is.. I have no idea how to work on that. I thought coming to Austin would help me do it, but instead I'm just more freakishly confused.

I'm so tired of it. I'm tired of doing things just to fill up the space in my days. Is that what life is about? Finding something to do so you don't sit at home watching Independence day at 3:00 on Sunday afternoon? It never used to be like that.

But you know what? I did it to myself, and I have to deal with that. I have to overcome what I did to myself. I have to dig myself out of the hole that I buried myself in. I don't know how.. and that's a problem. But I have confidence that something will happen soon, because something just has to. Bah.

And I'm not even really saying all this out of depression, either. Its just a bunch of facts, clear and simple. It's true. And that's it.

Anyway. I haven't talked to Matt in 6 days, and I'm debating IMing him on Monday night to say Happy Birthday and that's all. But maybe I should just let the card speak for itself. I dunno. I probably will end up IMing him because I suck like that.

I'm going to take a walk now. I hate sunny days, but at least I can try to take advantage of them.