baby maybe someday
2003-01-10 Sex and fajitas.

Today I gave $5 to a homeless person because he had a sign that said "I'm not wearing any underwear." I thought that was pretty interesting, so I gave him some cash. We chatted until the light turned green, and I went on my way. He was actually pretty cool and it made me wonder how he got to be standing on a corner in the first place. But then I bought a whole bunch of crap and forgot about it.

I bought a $30 pillow, which sounds retarded, but I've been having lots of trouble sleeping lately and if buying a $30 pillow will help me, bring it on beyotch. Booya.

I just returned from seeing Just Married, which was pretty dorky and kinda funny, and it depressed me even more. I always thought about marrying Matt. I always thought that our devotion and passion for each other would carry us through life, and it didn't. And now I'm sitting here alone at 8 PM on a Friday night because I have absolutely nothing to do.

I am comfortable spending time by myself, I really am. I go to movies by myself, I go to bookstores, I go shopping, sometimes I go to restaurants. It doesn't bother me. Ever since I broke up with Josh in 1997, I've been free. It was so nice to just go out and do stuff without having people with me, but I'm tired of that. I've found myself.. by myself, but now I'm ready to find myself in a crowd. To have relationships with lots of different people so I can learn more about me and what I like.

I'm a simple girl. One of me and Matt's biggest problems was the fact we could never come up with anything interesting to do. I was content with staying home and watching movies and he always wanted something more than that. I want something more than that too, but I have no idea how to get that right now. And it's depressing.

It's interesting, though, how I haven't talked to him in 4 days. It's interesting to see how long I can have this self control. The longest we've been without talking to each other was a week, and that whole week I was scheming ways to start talking to him. I'm not doing that right now. I'm interested in seeing how long it'll go on. I made a promise to myself to not talk to him until I get a job so I'll have something to talk to him about besides how much I miss him, but is he ever going to talk to me? Is he going to miss me so much that he has to talk to me right away at some point?

It does give me some comfort to see him on my buddy list without the little yellow notepad, cuz that means he's as pathetic as I am and apparently his girlfriend is busy tonight. I know, pathetic, but you know. It's the little things that count.

I'm such a crackwhore.

I rented the whole first season of Sex in the City, so I guess I'm gonna go watch that and make fajitas. Yummy is what I say.

back & forth random
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