I need some changes up in here, and I need them now. I need a job. I need friends. Perhaps I'm going to need a boyfriend. And I need some hobbies. I can't sit around here on another Tuesday evening and wonder why I'm so freaking lonely. I moved here because I wanted to change my life. I moved here because it's my freaking dream city and I've always wanted the opportunity to live here, and now I am, so I should probably wake up and make the best out of it.

Matt and I had a big blowout last night. I guess I just got sick of trying to make him feel better while I still felt like shit. And also, the birth control pills are kind of making me all lunatic-like. I need to learn how to control that. But anyway.. we just got down to the basic problems, and I told him that I was afraid we were never going to get back together, and he said that if I was going to "get him back" I needed my shit together, and right now there's nothing about me that screams "shit together."

First of all, I'm tired of him having the ball. He's all like "You can have me back when you get your shit together." Oh yeah? How about him having me back? How about being so kick ass that he has to grovel to get me back?

So, there needs to be some changes. I need a job, and right now, at this point, it really doesn't matter what kind of job I get. I wanted to stay away from retail because I felt like I was too good for it, I mean shheyot, I have a college degree! But so does everyone else on the planet and that doesn't make me special. I'm working on making friends, kinda.. small groups at church start tomorrow, but I know that might take some time. Maybe I really should join Matchmaker again just to get the ball rolling, put myself out there. I just equate that with being pathetic, though. I met Matt through Matchmaker.

I don't think we're going to be talking that much anymore.. I really ruined my composure last night, but that's probably a really good thing. That's probably the best thing. I was trying hard not to get mad at him and tell him how I really felt because it got me off to talk to him about his problems, to make me feel like I was making a difference in his life. But you know, anyone could do that. I'm not that special. He dumped me. He doesn't want to be with me anymore, and that hurts, and I have to get over it.

I'm 23 years old, and I really need to start taking better care of myself, my needs, my basic human rights, and everything else. I should know how to do this by now. I should know how to get a basic entry level job, but I really don't know. I'm going to mail out tons of resumes today and I guess I'm going to call more temp agencies, but that's all I feel like I can do. I feel helpless with this job search. But I can't feel helpless.

Guhh, I'm so disgusted with myself. But I can change that. As my mom is fond of saying, today is the first day of the rest of my life, and I have to take advantage of that.

So, today. Today I am going to do the following:

- Take a shower. Always a good idea.

- Print out copies of my resume and some cover letters, and also make copies of my stories so I can have something to show for myself.

- Go to Kinkos and fax stuff, and then go to the Post Office and mail stuff.

- I have a meeting with Kyle the personal trainer at 2, who will hopefully get my ass in gear.

- Call more temp agencies.

- Come home and get ready for the Coldplay concert.

- Go to the Coldplay concert and have crazy fun time.

- Go home, go to bed, try to think about having a good day tomorrow.

The point of this entry is this: I need to get my shit together, not only because I want to "get Matt back", but because I have to make myself happy. I can't imagine how happy I'll be when I have a job during the week and at night I get to go out with my friends and then I'll barely even have time to ever talk to Matt at all. That would make me happy. But it takes time! And I'm tired of things taking time, give me instant gratification!

And you know how writing things down is supposed to help you feel better about things? I've been writing things down ever since the second this break-up happened and now I'm starting to think that writing things down is over rated. So if I don't write in here as much in the next couple of weeks, I'm trying not to over analyze every single thing that happens because that only seems to lead to trouble.

Okay.. I'm done now. Really. I'm shutting up. See? For the reals.