I just feel so.. bllaahhh today. It's even raining, but I feel like that's only adding to my blahness. I've just felt shitty all day.. I had a little panic attack in the morning, even, and it just sucked.

I'm just realizing how totally lonely I am. So many people in my class at work have people to go home to.. husbands to greet, children to take care of, boyfriends to love on.. I have a dirty apartment that I have to clean up tonight while watching a special Golden Girls thing on Lifetime. That's my day. And I'm doing it by myself.

And I know why I'm so alone.. it's because most of the time, I choose to be alone. And I choose to be alone because I'm just too weird to go out with other people. I have social retardation, and it shows in almost every conversation I ever have. I think I'm alone because I'm so afraid of showing this to people.. I'm just not "normal." I don't know what to say to people. I don't know how to be interesting. I don't know how to make people want to hang out with me. Because while I can find something to do every now and then with other people, it's me who initiates it. People don't call me.

I just make such an effort to be cool and calm and normal when I hang out with people, and it's pointless because I'll never be that way. The only people who I truly feel comfortable with are my family.. and.. wait for it.. Matt.

I wanted to think this isn't about him, but it is. He has his own life that doesn't involve me at all, and he has people to come home to. He can hang out with his girlfriend. He can go home to his roommate and talk about his day and then talk to his roommate's 7 year old daughter that absolutely adores him. He can do his routine, go about his normal patterns, go on his road trips, hang out with the same people he has hung out with for years. I can't do that, and I'm jealous.

And I'm so afraid that I'm losing him, and that he's going to forget about me.. and I'm totally powerless against it. I can't do anything about it. And while that does scare me, it's also a relief. Because if I can't do anything, then it's really out of my hands, right? I can write him emails every week but that's not going to a bit of good. I can call him, I can text him, I can send him birthday cards, but it's not going to affect anything. He apparently has his own judge of how much I've "progressed" and me just messaging him and saying "Look how much I've progressed!" isn't going to prove it.

I also have a feeling that the amount of progression I've made in his eyes is directly proportional to how he feels about his own life. If he feels crappy and lonely and sad, maybe he'll think that I've progressed enough and he's ready to look at "us" again. But if his life is great and busy and productive, like it is right now, then I guess I'm just screwed.

I don't get it. I don't know what to do anymore.. I feel like such a social reject. I feel so lonely and craptastic and I don't know how to change it. The saying "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting the same result," makes a lot of sense to me. I know what it means, but I do it anyway. I do the same thing over and over. Each day I wake up and I'm perfect. I'm not going to talk to Matt, I'm going to diet, I'm going to turn in my library books and my DVD's at Blockbuster. But I just don't. And each day feels like a loss, like I ruined it with my dumbassness.

I miss him. I miss my old life. I know my "new" life is exciting and filled with so many opportunities at every corner, but god damnit.. I just miss him so much! And it's fucking unfair.. he can go about his business, be happy as fucking can be, and I'm left here, crying like a fucking loser. Why does it happen this way? It's been so long.. 7 months.. and I still feel like this! When is this going to be over? When am I going to finally allow myself to truly move on? It's destroying me.. it's totally destroying me. I loved him. I loved what he stood for, I loved what he wanted to be, I loved what he was. ANd I don't want that from anyone else.

This sucks so bad.. I don't know how to fix it. In his head, there's nothing I can do to impress him or to change his mind, so what can I do?

What is WRONG with me?

I didn't really write this to get advice or pity.. I just needed to vent. I feel so lonely today and I don't know how to rise above it and fix it for good. I'm tired of this destroying me. I'm tired of it, I really am. This is my life.. pining over someone who meant so much to me, and now I mean nothing to him. I want to ask him.. do you really see a chance for us ever again? I wish he would just say no and just fucking let me go.. but I don't want it to be over.. I never want it to be over. And that's my own fault. I could say to myself, "It's been 7 months.. if he really wanted you back, he would have gotten you back by now." But I won't let myself do it. Part of me will always hang on for dear life to that one little grain of hope, and that little part of me is destroying me.

I'm not strong enough for this. I never was.