baby maybe someday
April 20, 2004 The one where I scare front desk chicks!

WOO! 4/20! SPARK IT UP!

Not really.

****

In completely different news, you would think that I would have learned by now. It's completely retarded how I pick fights with Matt and then we launch into the exact argument we've been having ever since like.. day 2 of our relationship. I mean, it's like we even have scripts now! I should get one made and give it to him on his birthday so he knows what to say.

I need a new boy. It's true.. I just need to start over with someone else who doesn't know me and can learn me from the bottom up. *Giggle*

That just sounds really good to me.

****

I couldn't fall asleep last night because of the stupid argument and because I was fantasizing about calling Ryan and seducing him into coming to my apartment and engaging in pornographic scenarios.

I think what I'm going to do.. I really want to start the South Beach Diet. You're supposed to lose 8-13 pounds in the first 2 weeks, and it's not all Atkins-y and stuff, and I want to do it. So maybe if I do 2 straight weeks of complete South Beach goodness (no sugar, no bread, no dairy, etc.) then I will reward myself by calling him. The only number I have is one I have in my old phone that I haven't called in years. But I miss him. So yeah.

****

The most terrible thing in the world for my diet has been discovered, but it's ohsogood. Burger King chocolate chip cookies. *drool* They are so.good. Because they're all melty and chocolatey and wow. I am sad that I only discovered this in the midst of a new diet and not when I was throwing caution to the wind and eating like a pig. Damn you, Burger King! Damn you and your melty choclatey goodness!

****

I am going to Austin this weekend. We should all know that. I also have a first meeting with my personal trainer that Donna is paying for tonight, and then 2 hours later, my first small group meeting. So I'm sure I'll make a GREAT sweaty first impression with these new girls. Joy.

****

I wanted to tell you guys about going to my endocrinologist yesterday, because it's just chock full of good times.

I guess I woke up on the wrong side of the bed yesterday because I was just a mess. You'd think I'd be in a good mood because I got to wake up 2 hours later than normal because the appointment was at 10:00 and the office is right down the street from me. But I wasn't. Just ask the front desk chick.

I go up there to give her my insurance, and maybe I'm being spacy or something, I don't know. But she gets this concerned look on her face and she's all, "Are you feeling okay?"

I HATE when people ask me that. It goes back to my pre-eye surgery days when people would ask me if I was tired and/or if I was feeling okay. Chances are I'm not going to tell you if I'm NOT okay. Chances are it's just NONE of your DAMN BUSINESS! I know that's a little crazy and defensive, but that's just me.

So I answered her all bitch-like "Yes, I'm FINE!" And she got all concerned again and was like "Well, I'm sorry! I just care about people! I want them to feel good!" And then, of course, I felt like shit. So I was all, "Umm, well, you see, um, I'm sorry."

So I thought that was that. But then, instead of having me come back up to the desk to sign something like EVERYONE ELSE had to, she actually came over to me and had me sign it while I was sitting on my fat ass. She was like, "We didn't want you to have to walk all the way back up there."

Oh man, I felt like a psycho creep after that. They didn't want me to get off my ass and sign something up at the front? Were they scared that they were going to set me off or something? That was just not fun, really.

So then I know I'm going to lose it once my doctor comes in. I don't mind him, really, but I always know he's going to yell at me and even worse, I know I deserve it.

And I hate going there, because when I first went to the same doctor 10 years ago after my eye surgery, he looked at me and told me that I was growing into a very beautiful young woman. I looked into the mirror and for once in my life, agreed with him. I was. But then life happened and I wasn't anymore, and that's what I think about when I go there these days, and I know it's stupid, but there ya go.

I knew he was going to yell at me, and he did. He said I was a bad patient. I tried hammering out some excuses, but he wasn't having that shit. I even cried like a loser, but he wasn't having that, either. He was just, "Take your pills, lose weight, do what you need to do." And he's right. Of course he is.

So that was the fun doctor visit full of psychoness and tears.

Yay!

This was way longer than I meant it to be.

*****

a year ago..

"Oh god.. I just started crying right away when he said that. He ruined my composure. He ruined it. I had these fantasies.. and I keep having them.. and I always assume that they're over, that since he's always at home that they must have broken up. Why do I do this to myself? I torture myself. I bring this on myself, why? Why am I so afraid of letting go and starting a new life, a life that doesn't include him and his fucking god damn perfect fucking girlfriend?"



back & forth random
recently...

So be it! My last entry ever. - November 16, 2004
701 - October 17, 2004
Buh bye: An Austinliz thesis - October 03, 2004
war of the roses - October 01, 2004
fucking debate! - September 30, 2004