Anyway, I just watched the last of Season 4 of Sex and the City. Guuhh, I am so torn! Mr. Big or Aidan, who is right for Carrie?! I got so mad when she let Aidan get away, but then again, when Mr. Big went to Napa and left that plane ticket for her, I totally cried. I don't know. I think Mr. Big is good. Yes, I do.

Okay, so during one of the episodes I watched, Candice Bergan was on, and it made me think of Murphy Brown. That show was my all time favorite, seriously. I think that show had a lot to do with me getting into journalism in the first place. I loved her. I even named my viola Eldin, after her eternal painter guy. I don't know what my viola had to do with that, but what can you do sometimes.

So here is a list of stuff that made me who I am today. It's a beautiful list.

1. The first book with chapters that I ever read - Dawn and the Impossible Three, by Ann M. Martin. #5 in the BabySitters Club, thank you very much. My mom and I were at the bookstore, I was 7 years old, and for some reason we picked that one out. Well, then it was all over. I became a reader, and I haven't stopped reading since.

2. Thus, my first favorite author is Ann M. Martin. She must be like a cajillionaire or something. I was mad at her when I joined the fan club and just got some stupid newsletter out of it, but really. Ann M. Martin rules, and we should all be a little more like her.

3. I also watched Catch Me if You Can today, which brings up my favorite actor. That would be Tom Hanks. I have loved him since I was 8 years old. He was, by all means, my first "crush." I loved him the only way an 8 year old knew how - with all my heart. And I haven't been able to get over that, 15 years later. Matt used to be bewildered by the fact that no matter what time of day it was, I could always find something on TV that had Tom Hanks in it. Thus, he broke my actor loving cherry. To follow him was Christian Slater, Tommy Lee Jones, Mel Gibson, River Phoenix, and countless others that we just don't have time to list.

4. The first un-poppish album I ever recieved was Use Your Illusion 1, by, of course, GN'R. That broke my heavy metal cherry, and thus, my Axl Rose cherry. After that, all bets were off. I must have been the only 13 year old in 7th grade that loved Ministry. I was a strange kid.

5. My first boyfriend was Eddie. He had a mullet, dropped out of school in 9th grade, ran away from home, dumped me in a skating rink for a trashy ho named Tricia, and broke my heart. Thus, he was the first boy to ever really break my heart, but not the last. And he was the first to drop out of school, but not the last, either. For some reason, the majority of my boyfriends have all dropped out of school. Even Matt dropped out his senior year, but got his GED like a few weeks later. What is it with me and the drop out boys? Who knows.

6. The movie that got me into being a total movie whore was.. Dave. With Kevin Kline. After I saw that movie, it broke my movie going cherry, and pretty much every week for the past 10 years, I've seen at least 1 movie. I heard the average American adult sees 7 movies a year. I see 7 movies a month.

7. This has nothing to do with anything, but I complain about how whorish I am for getting Matt off from 200 miles away, but then here I am almost fucking suggesting we do it tonight myself. I fantasized about him all day, and now it's almost 3 AM and I want him so bad I can barely stand it! What the hell is wrong with me?! I know he's fucking with my head, trying to put the thought in there that I can't give up because he doesn't want me to give up yet he's still with Mrs. Perfect Blond Frigid Bitch. But still, it almost gets me off to know that I can still make him get off, just with my words alone. As a writer, that makes me happy. As a jealous ex-girlfriend, it makes me even happier. But it also drives me infuckingsane, and I should just not talk to him, but I'm going to get him off anyway because I have no backbone and I suck. I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK!

Good job, Elizabeth. You're making your ex boyfriend think of you in a purely sexual way.

WAY TO FUCKING GO!

Okay, I'm finished now.

I am also finished getting him off. Tonight, I took his virginity. He was handcuffed. I am going to hell.

Oh my god, my DVD player just scared the fuck out of me.

As I was saying.

8. The first real story that I wrote was in 6th grade. I wrote a few about being stuck in an elevator with Christian Slater, and then I wrote my opus: The Electric Leather Generation. It was an awesome story, about these chicks in a band. It was really good stuff. And I gave it to my friend to read. And her mom threw it away because she thought it was "smut." I never quite got over that.

Writing that story really got me into writing as I know it today, and probably the Electric Leather Generation inspired this 10 years later. Good stuff, I tell you.

9. My porn experiences were started by two different videos. The Budding of Brie is one. And a Hustler video that I don't know the name of. They started it all. My parents had tons of tapes at the top of their closet, and I blame my pervishness on them. If it wasn't for those tapes, I would be pure and innocent today. And I wouldn't have just stolen my ex-boyfriend's virginity with handcuffs from 200 miles away.

I am too distracted to do this anymore. You get the idea.

10. Other assorted things from my day:

I can't believe I just did that. It was totally my idea, too. And he was just like, "oh, okay." Fuck.

Also, I got my eyebrows waxed today. They are growing so fucking fast! I just did it 2 weeks ago and it looked like I was growing a bush on my head or something. And this time, it was unusually painful. The chick even said, "Maybe you take some advil before you come to make the pain easier to take." Like it was surgery instead of waxing or something. Geez Louise.

And now I'm telling him that he didn't have to indulge me in my creative smutiness, and he has no idea what I'm talking about and is all like "huh?" but what I really want to tell him but I totally can't is that I know I can't do this, I can't pretend that getting him off is okay, because it's not. It brings back memories, it makes everything all too painful to deal with. This is the only way I can be intimate with him. This is the only way I can assure myself that I still have a part in his life. By being sexual, that's the only way I know that I can stay there, that I can interest him. And that's crap! Our relationship was more than sex, and because of that, just because I use phrases like " I ride it like a crazy cowgirl, and the new sensations drive you wild.. it's all frictiony, moist, tight... ", that doesn't mean he's going to suddenly want me back! It JUST MEANS HE'S GOING TO HAVE AN ORGASM! Why don't I understand that? Why do I do this to myself? If we were meant to be, it's not because I have the power of orgasm, it's just not! The most fucked up and retarded thing about this is that I INITIATED conversation with him in the first place tonight. You are right, I am a tard. A big fat brown tard.

Fuck.

Sorry, I have to rationalize this so I can see it and understand it, and I know most of you are looking at me all like "What the fuck?" and I understand and appreciate that, but you guys.. I'm just desperate sometimes. Desperate to have something with him, a connection. And it hurts so much not to have it, and sometimes I have to create it, and sometimes in creating it I destroy whatever reserve I had built for myself. This is a very destructive pattern that I really need to fix.

This is fun, isn't it?

Fuck.

But I did have a genuinely happy moment today, when I was driving with the window down, the rain starting to come down, and "Bring Me to Life" was on the radio. I stuck my hand out the window and let myself be happy for a minute or two. It was nice. I need more moments like that.

Also, in the most ironic fucked up part of my day, it rained exactly 2 minutes after I got a car wash today. Fun!