I went to church tonight for the Gathering, a thingie on every other Wednesday when the church gets together for deeper worship and more praise songs and such. I've only been to a few of them, but I'm trying to make a point out of going to them more often.

Tonight, I again surrendered to the reason why I go to church in the first place. The way that I feel when I sing these songs and pray and stuff like that.. it's really powerful. If I didn't feel this way, I wouldn't give church the chance it deserves. But I feel a presence when I sing.

Tonight I totally started crying when we were singing, and it was just so.. strong. And like.. the past 6 months totally flashed before my eyes. Like, the last time I saw Matt when I still lived in Dallas.. it hurt so bad. I sat in my car and cried for 10 minutes before I went home because it was just so painful to see him, to be reminded that I can't have him. And all the breakdowns I've had, and all the emptiness I've felt, and all the sorrow that refuses to leave me alone, to go bother someone else.. I felt it all tonight.

And I know if I give myself to God, if I start praying to him all the time, if I lift up my worries to him and let him take care of it.. I'll be taken care of. I know I have to do that or else I won't be able to do this. Because you know why? I can't do this by myself. I'm not strong enough. And if I were to believe those around me, nobody is strong enough for that. Only through God can I really have the strength to get through this time in my life. I really believe that.

There have been a lot of times in my life when I didn't think I needed God, but I'm starting to change my mind. The way I feel when I really sit down and think about it, feel it, live it.. it's amazing to me. I feel the presence of God. I know how weird that sounds to people who don't believe, but I'm starting to. There's people at church that I know that are so comforted by the spirit and by the presence of God, their otherwise dark and sad lives are totally turned around and they're making the best of it. I've heard so many wonderful things about believing that I just really really want to.

I know it's lame to say that "at such and such time, I will believe." but that's what I'm going to do. When I get back from Dallas on Monday or Sunday night, it's time to take some drastic measures. I can do a lot with my life in 3 months, whether I think I can or not. I can turn it around. I can lose weight, I can succeed in a job, I can cultivate my love for God, and I can be happy. I know what I really need to do is that every time I think about Matt, I need to think of God in the role that Matt used to play. Matt filled my emptieness. He filled my heart, he gave me strength when I was weak, (ooh dear, I sound like a Celine Dion song) he was my soul. And now he can't do that anymore, and that's probably good. Now I can fill it with God.

It just sounds so good, you know? God is never going to leave me unless I let him. He's not going to go get another girlfriend 3 weeks after dumping me. He's always going to be there, and if I can just let myself count on that, then I feel like I can turn it around. I've been resisting this for so long, but I don't think I can anymore. I want his presence in my life. I want his gifts, I want his influence. I need this right, because nothing else is going to get me through it.

The past 6 months have just been so extremely difficult. I've said it before.. I've never felt this depressed in my life. Sure, I felt like shit when I was dating Josh and he was bringing guns to my house to threaten to kill himself so I'd do what he said, and when he was making me call my friends on 3 way and tell them that I didn't want to hang out with them anymore. That was hard, yes. But I had a choice then, and I don't anymore.

Well, I do. I can either sit here and let myself have breakdowns, I can feel sorry for myself and cry whenever I think about not going to football games, or I can turn it around. And right now, the only way I can see turning it around is through God. I'm new at this, so forgive me if I sound like I'm kidding myself. But I feel it inside of me, and I want it inside of me. No dirty jokes here, please.

Anyway. I just had to get that out of me.

And I changed the title of my page because seriously, I am way proud of my ass. It's totally getting smaller. It's the only part of me that I really notice getting smaller and firmer, so yay my ass! I want to tell everyone about it. MY ASS IS SMALLER! WOOOHOOO!

Okay then.

*****

By the way, I'm calling a moratorium on doing the "What was Liz doing a year ago" thing for now. I was evidently very happy last year.. things were going so well with me and Matt. And now.. they're not. So I don't want painful reminders anymore.

I love going back and reading My Michele entries, and I do it like.. everyday. But that's not healthy to dwell on the past like that. So I'm going to exercise some self control and try not to do it anymore. I know you're sad, but that's how life is, sugar plum.