This is not a "I don't have a job and I don't know how to spend my days" kind of worrying. I have had a perfectly fine time spending my days. I'm finding I don't have enough time in the days, really.

This is not a "Matt doesn't like me, he has a girlfriend that he loves, he has moved on" kind of worry, the worry that I had for a good 6 months. Matt does like me. He probably even loves me, even though we haven't exchanged those three little words since last October. I could probably say it to him, but I'm letting him do it on his own time. And he called me yesterday to let me know that he was going on this road trip, but he was planning on calling me everyday, maybe even twice a day. I was all like, "Don't go crazy with your daytime minutes!" And he was like, "I'll go crazy with my daytime minutes if it involves calling you." I mean, awwww!

But thats not the kind of worrying I'm having. I'm having the "I'm not taking proper care of myself and I have no idea how to fulfill myself for the next 6 months" kind of worrying. It's going to be the Fall soon, and I never had to worry about being fulfilled during the fall. There are so many holidays and happy fun times and birthdays and anniversaries that the Fall just whizzed by. I'd go to high school football games with Matt, I'd hang out with my new Christian friends, we'd go on road trips after Christmas, it was so easy. But what do I have to look forward to this time? I'm hardly ever going to see Matt, I'm thinking. He's going into a football coma that he's quite excited about, and unless I want to go there and watch football all weekend, there aren't a lot of opportunities there.

I'm especially worried about the not taking care of myself thing. I never eat right. I have a repertoire of what I like to eat, and I eat those things frequently. Here's a list:

1. McDonalds Steak, Egg, and Cheese bagel. 700 calories of pure cholesterol fun.

2. Taco Cabana 1/4 chicken meal with tortillas, queso, chips, and Guacamole.

3. Papa John's small pizza with onions, Dr. Pepper, and to complete the meal, a Hershey bar.

4. Popcorn and peanut butter M&Ms at the movie theater. I'm probably going to eat that today, in fact.

5. Subway Turkey sub with mayo, red wine vinagrette, bell peppers, onions, tomatoes, lettuce, and salt and pepper.

Etc.

I'm just so mad at myself that I can't just find a fucking diet and stick to the son bitch. Last night, I did the same thing I did at almost the exact same time last summer. I ordered a pizza with every intention of eventually throwing it back up. I did that. I TOTALLY DID THAT AGAIN! What the hell is wrong with me? I know how absolutely retarded that is, but I do it anyway, with bad intentions. I know why I'm doing it.. I thought at the beginning of the summer.. hell, the beginning of the year, that I'd lose all this weight and be happy times. I haven't lost weight. I've gained it. And I'm doing to bulimia thing because I'm running out of time during the summer and I feel like I have to hurry this along.

And it's just all so fucked up. I feel so unbearably guilty when I do these things because I feel like God is watching me, judging me, not letting me in because he dissaproves of what I'm doing. I am keeping him away, yet he's there anyway. I feel like he's always there, always seeing what I'm doing, and never approving of it. I want God in my life, but not like this. I don't want to feel guilty about the things I do because some weird entity is looking down on me from his little cloud in the sky.

I don't get it. I don't have any clue whatsoever as to how to find a job. My bills are piling up, my car is a piece of junk that gets even junkier because I treat it like it's a piece of shit. I'm not taking care of myself, I'm spending money on the wrong things, I'm going to bed at 2 AM and waking up at 10 just like I did last time, and that's not conducive to anything.

I have to change something, and I feel like there's nothing I can change. I'm in this position where I'm absolutely jealous of every person in my life. I have always been crazy jealous of Matt.. ever since I first met him it always seemed like he was having much more fun than me. While that may be true, when he gets into his depression, he really gets into it. He has a genius IQ, and that big brain of his really gets moving until he can barely stand to be alive, much less awake. But he has things to fulfill him.

That's my problem. I don't have that. I love dogs, that's something that fulfills me. That's not enough. I love to write, but I don't. This journal is the only thing I'm writing these days. I don't have anything like what Matt has. And he's doing the two things he loves right now.. he's going on a 2 week road trip starting tonight, and when he comes back, high school football will be starting. That's like.. his wet dream. And I.don't.have.that. And I want it. I want it so much I just want to go out of my apartment and dance naked because I want it so much.

Something has to change. Something desperately, crazily, insanely has to change.

That is all.