I won't have internet access tomorrow so there won't be the full contemplative entry as promised until a later date. But it'll be good times, I assure you.

I just wanted to mention something here.. Donna (my dad's girlfriend/fiance/whatever) said, before I even really got a chance to talk to her about me and Matt's conversation as of late, that there was something different about me, that I looked different. I was all like, "Well, my mom made me wear makeup, is that it?" And she's just like, "No, it's something else!" And so I told her that I was just feeling better about life in general, and that I didn't want to cry every other minute of the day. It meant a lot to me that she said that because it really shows that I am feeling better, and that's always a good thing.

Really, the conversation we had yesterday was just so important. I'll just go ahead and show it to you here to give you an idea of why I feel so much better about everything. I'm just happy. I'm moving tomorrow and even if I don't have him there to hold me and tell me that everything's going to be okay, I know he'll always be there for me.

It's just like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. A weight that has been there for such a long time, even before we broke up. I've wanted my freedom for a long long time. I would mention going to Austin to him to see what he would say, and he was never in favor of it. But now I'm going, and it's just the best thing I can possibly do for myself. I fully believe that.

I don't know how it'll work out between us, but I do know that things will be okay. I know that if I need anything (aside from nooky of course) he'll be there. And it's nice to know.

Here's some of our conversation:

Me: Hey yo.

Matt: Howdy doody.

Me: I just wanted to say that I'm sorry I've been trying to interfere with you and your stuff and your relationship.

Matt: I think you've made that clear sweetie, I understand.

Me: You deserve to be happy, and you deserve to have a nice happy relationship without me bugging you all the time.

Me: I just feel stupid about that email I wrote yesterday.. it was so selfish.

Me: So yeah. Sorry. And happy New Year.. I know this year is going to be a good one for you.

Matt: thank you.. I'm just as insecure as you are though.. I don't know she's going to like me when she comes back.. I don't know what's going to happen..

Me: and I don't know what's going to happen when I go to Austin, but at least we're taking risks and trying to do things to improve our lives.

Me: And that's important.

Matt: Very important.

Matt: I was cleaning out my closet last night and today..

Matt: And doing some room reorganizing..

Me: Always good things to do.

Matt: And I'm making a Lizziebag cuz you did have a lot more stuff here.

Me: Lizziebag.

Matt: Well, I wanted to move the drawer thingie in the closet.

Matt: And I moved the couch out.

Matt: And I put our Texas flag up!

Matt: Member the big Texas Flag?

Me: Yay! Hehe.

Me: I think so..

Matt: You got it for me.

Matt: So I put that on the wall.

Me: I did?

Matt: You did!

Me: Tee hee.

Matt: The Lizziebag has some fuzzy slippers, a blue bra, some panties..

Me: I can maybe get my Lizziebag sometime tomorrow nightish or some such.

Matt: Some gold bracelet you left.

Matt: I'm going on a roadtrip for 3 days..

Matt: In about 2 hours.

Me: Where are you going?

Matt: Shreveport, LA.

Me: That's nifty.

Me: I wanna go! Hehe.

Matt: I want you to have your Lizziebag when you've gotten better though.. there's some sappy stuff in there.

Matt: And I don't want you to be dwelling on it.

Me: Like what?

Matt: I'm not gonna tell you.

Matt: Otherwise you'd dwell on it!

Matt: hehe.

Me: Well like what kinda stuff is it?

Me: bah.

Matt: Relationship memoribilia.

Me: I wanna go to Shreveport for New Years.. you're lucky and shit.

Me: Did it make you sad at all or is it just Lizzie sad?

Matt: It made me sad.

Matt: But happy.

Matt: Because it's good stuff.

Me: sad happy!

Matt: Sweet stuff.

Matt: It made me miss you.

Me: Awww.

Me: Taco Cabana made me miss you today.

Me: I didn't eat there but I saw it and it made me think of when we went there and stuff.

Matt: I bet you liked it lots though.

*****

Me: Anyway, I really do want you to be happy.. because you deserve to be. You are the BDM.

Me: Charismatic and enigmatic and such.

Matt: I want you to be happy too.

Matt: You're not making me not be happy by what you're doing.

Matt: Missing you is the only thing that really makes me not happy..

Me: Well I just felt like I was trying to get up in your business and take your focus off what's really important now.

Me: And that's not cool.

Matt: Even if you tried, you couldn't do that..

Matt: I'm pretty focused on whatever needs to be done.

Me: Well, good.

Me: I am happy for you. :-)

Matt: I needed to spend time with you and I am glad I did so.

Me: Me too. I had fun except when I didn't. But I did most of the time.

Me: I'm glad we can start the new year on good terms.

Matt: Good terms, good times!

Me: Tee hee!

Me: Muah.

Matt: Muah!

Matt: I'm going to go shower now.. heh.

Me: I probably should too.

Me: Have a good new years :-) I'll be thinking about you and stuff.

****

Good times, eh?

Anyway. I just feel good right now. I don't know what I'll be feeling tomorrow night at this time, all alone with no cable and no gas and no internet access, but thats okay. I can watch my My So Called Life DVDs and be happy.

It's gonna be fun.