So, I guess I'm in a bit of a depression, once again. The kind that had me curling up in a ball in Donna's bathroom on Monday night, crying so hard that I couldn't stop, crying so much that Donna had to send my cousin to change somewhere else because the pure volume of my crying was a little scary. It was brought on by my dad this time. The looks of pure disappointment he's been giving me lately just break my heart. The little comments and digs he makes at me lately make me frustrated and crazy. I'm not saying it's his fault that I'm feeling like this, he just brings all my little faults to the forefront and that's not where they need to be.

I don't feel useful to anyone right now. I do feel slightly meaningless at the moment. I have let the thought of suicide come in and out of my mind, but never seriously. I'm too much of a chicken, and I wouldn't do that to my mom. My mom is too good of a person to have to go through her daughter killing herself, and sometimes, that's the only thing that really seriously keeps me from considering it at all.

This isn't the kind of depression I had a year and a half ago when life as I knew it changed completely, where a relationship ended, I graduated from college and then moved to another city all in the space of 2 months. This isn't the depression I had in Austin where I was away from my family and was uncertain about me and Matt's future and I had to make a life for myself before I came back home. I think this might be worse.

I think it's worse because it's more permanent. I don't have "going home" to look forward to anymore. This is where I'm staying. And out of the hundreds of places I've applied to in the past year and a half, none of the places ever worked out for me. Out of the maybe 15 interviews I've had in the past year, none of them have worked out. I've been out of college since December of 2002, and I have yet to find anything that has anything to do with what I went to school for. This is depressing me beyond recognition.

My current job is making me crazy. I don't really dread coming to work, because all I do here is look for jobs anyway. But I am working for my dad. He has his thumb on me, and I can't just explode and tell him to go fuck himself because he has control over everything. He's getting me a new Jetta soon. He pays my ass to come to work each day. He pays my car insurance, my health insurance, my cell phone. I am dependent on him, and I'm going to be 25 years old in 4 months, and this depresses me like you wouldn't believe.

I've stopped going back and seeing what I wrote a year ago because I know what was happening a year ago. I was finally getting it together. I looked good. I had friends. I was seriously making big strides on the Matt debacle, and I believe that if he hadn't come back (it's almost been a year, by the way. The 13th. Not that you can tell, not that it even matters in the slightest anymore, but it's almost been a year.) I would have eventually, albeit slowly, GOTTEN OVER HIM.

I have no close friends in Dallas. I talk to Matt everyday, but it's the surface things we talk about. I saw him for the first time in 2 weeks yesterday, and I almost couldn't even participate in the nookie with him because I don't feel like I even deserve to anymore. I feel that gross and disgusting. Of course, he made me feel beautiful and sexy because that's what he does, but that still doesn't make me good enough to go out to dinner with him and his older parent-like friends when the nookie is over.

But it's not even really about him. I am okay with the fact that our relationship isn't what I thought it was going to be. The circumstances aren't ripe for us to be together right now, and really, they aren't right for me to be with anyone right now. I have no friends, no motivation to do anything, nothing AT ALL going on in my life. And who wants to be with someone like that?

We watched a video of our Vegas road trip in December 2000. That is a prime time in my life that pisses me off, because that is when I was in domestic bliss and not paying any attention to the real world of friends and grades and jobs and the things people need to care about. I was 21 years old and nothing else mattered but Matt. It was all him. And I saw it in that tape we watched.

But you know what? At least I thought I was happy. It was a pretty good time, and I miss it. I hate worrying about money and my dad and washing the dishes and getting over things. I want to go back to that which was living in a dorm, going to school for 4 hours a day, going on road trips whenever I wanted, seeing Matt all the time, and living in a world that wasn't real.

I still have lots of Lexapro left over from last year. I know it's not a good idea to start taking an anti-depressant out of nowhere, but maybe it will help. Maybe not. I remember the only things it helped with last time was that I was never hungry, I couldn't sleep very well, and my nails grew faster. Maybe I should just try it for a week or two.

It's just about growing up, and I haven't done that yet, and I don't know how.

I have to poop.